once again, we have lost another to the hateful Cystic Fibrosis disease. as i sit here right now brainstorming on where to go with the newest blog, i came across something she wrote. it has really hit me to know just how selfish some people can be, but yet how selfless others are to ones needs.
up until about December of last year, i can honestly say i was a sick and dark person. i wouldn't say sick in a bad way, but in a way that i was very very selfless. i didn't care who i hurt along the way, i didn't care who i used to get what i needed, just as long as i got to the spot in life i wanted to be in. trust me it was a very dark path. i was lucky enough to meet some amazing people along the way, but i never really understood it for what it was meant to be. rather i grabbed them, soaked up all i could, and tossed each one of them aside as soon as i got what i wanted out of them.
i won't lie when i say it was a very dark and lonely path, but at the time you are on it, you don't see it. everyone is around you because you have everything they want. you don't realize that everyone is using you like you were using them. to you, life is one big party, and party i did. and its crazy how one little incident can send someone down that dark path....a story i promised i would never tell, but something that must be told....
about four years ago i was with a guy. a guy no one knew about because he wasn't out, and at the time had no intention of coming out. it was a hard relationship to be in, having to keep everything about us secret, but behind closed doors he was amazing. at that time, i thought i knew what love was. he knew exactly what i meant when i said the little things mean the most in life. after a double shift at work he would be at my apartment with a tub of hot water waiting for me so i can just sit and relax. he would have the apartment cleaned for me so i wouldn't have to worry about it on my days off. he would have a single rose delivered to me at work, just because he was thinking about me. it was all the little things he could do without letting it out that he was gay. in reality it was him who taught me that the little things in life mean the most.
the hardest part for me was when we were out with his friends. he would be this big macho straight guy with all his buddies, but every now and then he would glance over at me in that special way out of the corner of his eye and send off a little wink. it was our way when we were out he would say i love you. its things like that which made all the hell we went through worth it. knowing we had our own little middle school way to hide what we were.
i went on with the relationship as long as he could. he told me that he really had no intention of coming out and that he was sorry, but he couldn't. his family was completely against the gay life and he was afraid if he ever came out they would leave him, and it was not a chance he was going to take. i completely understood. i have always preached that is something that someone needs to decide and do on their own. no one should ever force someone when or how to come out to anyone. that is a choice we make on our own in our own time. i won't lie when i say life with him was hard, but when you care for someone you honor their wishes, so i fought on. i kept everything about us a secret, to everyone. it wasn't until i met Brandon that anyone ever found out about him.
one night it just got to be to much. he was at home and i got a text from him. its one of those texts you never forget.....
"i love you Tim. i hope you know just how much you mean to me. you have been a strong and amazing man and i am sorry for everything i have put you threw. you have done so much for me and kept us quiet just like i asked, and yet i don't feel like i have done anything for you. please don't ever change. you deserve only the best and a guy who will treat you just as great as you treat them. please promise me that no matter what happens, we will always stay a secret. it would devastate my mom if she ever found out."
reading that i figured he was just drunk and emotional for some reason so i of course laughed it off and said i loved him as well and that our secret is safe with me. i asked if he wanted company and he said no he just needed some time alone. so i told him i would see him in the morning. the next morning i kept texting and calling. it wasn't like him to sleep in to late because he always liked to hit the gym early. he loved to be there and just go when few people were there. when i got no response by 9 am i got worried so i went over to his apartment. upon opening the door i found him laying there in the middle of the living room floor with a bottle of pills laying next to him. he had OD'ed. my heart fell. i of course rushed over to him and with no response called 911. sitting there next to him, i lost it. it was one of the hardest things i have ever dealt with. the worst part was i had to deal with it alone. i had made a promise to never let our story out because it was what was best for him.
the next four years was a blur. i would spend thousands of dollars on partying. i lived alone at the time so no one really knew what was going on. i would play it off when people would ask but it was bad. it was a dark place for me. people knew i was partying and drinking and people figured it was all a good time, but deep down i was bottling up a horrible loss i didn't know how to deal with. so i drank, and i drank a lot. i had a job making great money so why not use it to bury all the pain?
then Brandon came along. at this point in my life i was really at my lowest. people didn't really see it because i masked it with the movie i was making and a ton of happiness. i had just moved to omaha and was using a friend of mine to "get back on my feet." just one more person i used and tossed under the bus. i was at the bars constantly. i was drinking and just loosing it all the time. i blamed it on one reason or the next never really letting out what was wrong. i was drinking hard. i had been smoking pot for almost two years at that point, but Brandon had become my savior.
we had started talking and we talked a lot, all the time actually. we grew close and i began to feel i could trust him. something i hadn't felt in a long time. one way early morning, something i was used to doing since i was with Wade, we were texting. i was laying on my bed and the conversation was pretty basic really, i just told him about my guy. i told him everything. i sent text after text after text about him for about an hour and a half and Brandon just listened....well read. he would ask questions here and there, but mainly just let me go. i don't know why i told him, even to this day, but i did.
as we grew closer the story kept coming up because Brandon had questions about him. i didn't mind, i am an open book as long as you ask the questions, and he told me that once i start moving in with him and Bil, those times of my life were over. he didn't want me drinking or smoking due to the situation i was in. i was ok with that. March 9, 2013 was the day i took the off ramp off the dark freeway i was headed down.
today i have been clean of everything. today i am on a path i haven't been on since before i met my friend. today i can honestly say i feel better than ever before. its crazy how something so small as a conversation can make such an amazing impact on our lives.
as we go threw our day and as as we run into everyone, we don't understand just how big of an impact we have on the people's lives around us. we don't understand how something small as a few words can turn someone's life inside out. sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. it's up to us to realize what we do for someone. it's up to us to realize that we can have a positive impact on someone's life if we really want to.
reading Alexandria's post that was on my Facebook from a friend today made me realize how little we do for someone can do so much for them. lending a quiet ear to give them a chance to vent, something as simple as a hug when they are down, or a text saying i love you, can do so much for someone. we all try to do so much by go so overboard that we forget that those are the things we want the least. we forget that those are the things that will tear us away from those who need us the most. going overboard is greatful at first, but in the end those who we think we are helping, just look at us as someone who doesn't really care. to sit next to them, to be there when they call at 3 in the morning, or to run over for a hug when we can shows so much more.
the impact we have on one's life is up to us. how we go about it is something we need to take into consideration. taking your best friend for a blizzard on their birthday is better than buying them a new outfit. taking your daughter to the park and pushing her on the swing can mean more to her in her teen years than taking her to an amusement park. don't get me wrong, those close to us remember all of that, but when you sit back and think, what were the biggest impacts of your life? sure the films, and the rides, and the shopping was great, but what about the conversations during long car rides, what about the trips to the beach, what about mother and daughter doing each other's nails while you talk about boys? sit back and think, if you were to pick the top 3 best moments of your life with those close to you...how much money did you spend to create those major impacts in your life? remember, its the time you spend together that impact you more than the times at the store.
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