just when the light began to shine down on us and the happiness was beginning to set in, our world fell apart. jesus we can't catch a break for nothing these days. brandon and i were literally an armful away from being able to say that we finally have a place. we finally have our OWN place. we finally can start our lives together. then one dumb bitch has to call and rip that all away from us.
we had borrowed a friends truck, really the only guy who has supported us and our relationship from day one, and headed to Omaha to get the last load of my stuff and bring it back. while we were there, Brandon decided to get his weight checked and pick up some meds. despite my fears, his weight was actually quite good. i was re-leaved to say the least. we headed over to Justin who was working at the cafe at the time because i forgot the house key on the key ring.
after hastily loading up the truck with what was left my belongings, we headed back to Lincoln. on the way i had a major scare because i forgot to pay my fines due to all the hassle of the move and everything. i know i know its no excuse, but it happened. i seriously freaked out. not sure what to do or anything. i really feared they were going to revoke my payment plan and issue a warrant. that's just what he and i needed at this time.
we got it taken care of after much arguing and almost fighting with my mom. i couldn't help it though, everything i have worked so hard for up to now was about to be taken from me. what would you expect? all i needed was to prove to them i had the money i said i had. she got it taken care of, and let me say, despite how much of a fight she and i have, she is probably one of the best people in my life. one of the strongest supporters i have in anything i decide to do. no matter how stupid it may be. i am and will always be in her debt.
she gets things covered for me so that i don't have to worry about it anymore. it was the biggest relief i could have asked for. finally it looked like the sky was going to allow us to have ONE moment of happiness. so Brandon and i finally get to the apartment. we are unloading, and let me tell you this boy is the biggest rock i could have ever asked for. being borderline diabetic, i was running on fumes at this point and he could see it. as if he doesn't have enough to deal with, he is diabetic on top of his CF. all he kept saying to me was hang in there we are almost done. and we were. we got the bed moved in and we got down to seriously our last arm load when i got the call from that bitch Manon in Sioux City. she is the probation officer that has started all my problems to begin with. it was about an hour to an hour and a half before i was supposed to report to work for my second day of training. this is when she drops the bomb that i did not clear it with the probation office to move to Lincoln!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? this i knew to be false because as far as i knew i was on probation in Wahoo when Bil kicked Brandon and i out of the house. we stayed at Justin's for a few days until we could go talk to who i THOUGHT was my probation officer there, Jill. Brandon and i both went in and talked to her to make sure the move to Lincoln was ok. She said she would probably continue the investigation they had to do to make sure i was doing everything i was supposed to do and if for some reason something didn't check out Iowa had some other things we could do to make it work. she told us to go ahead because we needed somewhere to live. since my job was in Lincoln, we decided this was the best. since it was cleared with the probation officer we didn't see any problem with the house arrest and Jill didn't show any problem with it as well.
needless to say my heart dropped. i was crushed. after everything we went through, after all the money we spent, after all the heartache and pain and stress and hassle, the fight was worthless. in the end we were going to be torn apart. i didn't know how to deal with it. i didn't know how to handle this anymore. we had fought so hard while at Bil's to stay together and keep sanity in our lives to have something stupid like one simple phone call tear it apart.
as always he was the strong one for us. he kept everything together and i just lost it. he walked out to take Stuart his truck back and i just fell to the floor and lost it. i finally got myself together and got the bed put together and just laid there. he came home and like the amazing guy he is he just laid there and held me.
we finally pulled ourselves together and i started packing. it killed me like you wouldn't believe. it made me feel like i was going down a familiar path all over again. like the time i found Trent laying on the living room floor. then it hit me me. i refused to loose him after everything we went through without a fight.
i rushed down to the car to get a phone number to a couple lawyers i knew. one sent me an email later that night to a few friends he called to ask for help and the other didn't answer. i got a hold of an expensive one in Lincoln who sent me to one in Council Bluffs. he didn't give me a for sure answer on what he can do, but he wanted to charge me $2,000 to get it fixed. he couldn't give me 100%, but felt like he can get it all worked out. problem is, Brandon and i don't have it. so once again it felt like i lost the fight.
it was then, after a long nap, that i decided it was best for me to just leave. walk out the door and never look back. i didn't know what else to do. i couldn't put him through this over and over. the stress was getting to be to much on him and he was starting to show it. it was killing me and i didn't know what to do.
Stuart came over, always the man of reason, and he laid it all out for us. i love that man and wish i could show him the appreciation i feel for everything he has done for the two of us. he has always been our strongest supporter. he sat here and talked to both of us and even the two of us separately. i told him the situation and the fact that i couldn't handle waiting for Brandon while i was so far away, to then come back to him and find out he was taken. i would just loose it. but i had to decide, is it a chance worth taking? he always told me he would wait for me. that he was mine and that he would do whatever he had to to prove it. i didn't know if i could believe him or not. this is what everyone wanted. this is what everyone was waiting for. the time when he and i would fall apart, yet once again, the man with the illness is the strongest one. my pillar of strength.
Brandon hadn't been eating properly the last few days, despite how much i hounded him, so Stuart had me go get food for dinner. i made him chicken cord on bleu with mashed potatoes corn and a biscuit. it was the only thing i could think of that wouldn't take forever. he sat there and ate almost an entire plate. jesus i love this man. after dinner we just laid in bed. i held him all night long. when my shoulder started to get sore he held me. its one of the things i love about us, we just know what the other needs. we can read each other's body language without saying a word.
this morning i woke up. i just laid there all morning holding him as much as i could. i don't know how soon i am going to be able to do it again and i wanted that moment to last forever. finally i woke up, knowing laundry needed done, the kitchen needs cleaned (still does, but i'll get it soon), and i wanted to be ready to continue our morning routine when he woke.
my man woke up and of course i got his pen ready, his coffee made, his shot together, his meter next to him, his protein bar, and yogurt. it's what i do every morning. the laundry is in the wash now. getting things done i realized that what he decides to do with our relationship is not MY decision but OURS. we have always had amazing communication and we have always talked all day long. i realized that once again, though i feel it was in his best interest that i leave, who am i to decide what WE do in our relationship? who am i to decide if he HE wants to stay and wait for me or not? we have agreed that we want one and only one person, so i need to believe that if he truly loves me like he says, he can wait 10 months for me. once the jail or house arrest is done, i will be only on probation which is over in February. so if he WANTS to wait for me, then i should honor his wishes and let him. i will not control him or our relationship because this is 50/50. this is OUR relationship, not mine. every good relationship is an equal partnership and i will treat it as such.
today is the start of our new life, a hard life, and we are prepared for what is to come. once this is FINALLY done and over with, he will be mine and a true beginning will start. can we keep our sanity and relationship in tact until then?
I can't believe someone would write this at the expense of another individual.
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