never have i felt more out of place than i do right now. the day was kind of a ho-hum kind of day. it was Sunday, as Brandon said, it's a day to relax. which for the most part it's what we did. we didn't really do much but just bum around the house. though it wasn't different than any other day we have spent since this damn bracelet was put on my ankle, it seemed more blah than anything else. the ending was something i didn't expect.
Brandon has done all he can to prepare me for moments like this. as i tried to do for him when it came to the time for us to leave Bil, you just can't prepare someone enough for what lies ahead. you can describe and talk and explain everything as much as you want, but it's not until something actually happens do you really see the severity of a situation. you can prepare as much as you want, but until the moment arises you can't fully grasp or explain the situation to someone who has never been in your shoes. tonight really made me see just how helpless i am when it comes to Brandon and his CF.
for months Brandon talked to me about his CF. he explained to me how hard it was going to be on days like today. telling me there would be times he would spend in the hospital. times where i can't really do to much except sit back and wait. i kind of laughed it off because i always felt there was something i could do to make things easier. i am his boyfriend, i need to be able to ease whatever pain he is in. i know enough people, especially around here, i should be able to get advice from someone to ease whatever ailment he would have. then again, i have never known or dated someone with an incurable disease either.
that's the worst part about CF. unless you know someone who has it, you really can't plan for anything. there are times where there is nothing you can do except sit back and watch. that is the hardest part for me. when there is something wrong with my man, i can't just sit back. i was always brought up that a man takes care of his family. Well when Brandon and i got serious, he became a part of my family. seeing him in a position where there is nothing i can do is hard for me to except. even now as i sit here writing this, it bothers me that i could not take care of him. it's like a part of me has been ripped away.
i understand with his illness there will be many times i will be in this situation. moments where all i can do is sit back and watch. hold his hand as someone else does the job i need to be doing. sadly enough those are the moments that are the hardest for me. i am used to making sure he takes all his meds, gets all his shots, eats on a regular basis. i am used to waking up to make his coffee, set out his breakfast, and make sure everything is ready for him for the day. don't get me wrong, Brandon is more than capable of doing this himself, but i prefer to do it. there will come a day when he can't do it, and i need to be ready for it.
we both no that in the end, Brandon will most likely go before me. we have talked many times over about what will happen when that time comes. we have talked about where he will spend his time, who will take care of him, all down to the last moment. i want to be completely prepared to know where shots go, how much to give, when the meds need to be given. that is why i do what i do each and every day. it's not to make him feel like he can't take care of himself, but because i need to be in a routine for the moment that he can no longer do it himself. i need it to be a part of my every day life. i don't look at it as a burden by any means. i look at it as a way of protecting my man. a way of knowing he is taken care of.
i want to be the one to take care of him in the end. i think that is what makes moments like this so hard. because this is something i can't be prepared for and this is something i cant fix. though i know i am more than capable of taking care of him, i have to ask myself, am i as helpless as i feel? i guess only time will tell, but that is not something i am wanting to risk when i want him as comfortable as possible in the end. i want my boy to go out with a smile, and i want to be the one to put that smile on his face, no matter what i have to go through to put it there. sometimes i ask myself, am i capable of being the one to take care of him to the bitter end.
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