We Do It As A Couple

as a gay man we all hear the crazy coming out stories, both good and bad.  the stories about how friends and family already knew, but they were just waiting for the person to finally do it.  or the friends that welcomed them with open arms, practically throwing them a party because they are so happy that they are so comfortable with themselves they can finally tell someone.  then there are those negative stories you hear about.  friends cornering his old buddy at the end of the school day in the alley behind the building beating the hell out of him.  or someone coming out to their family and the dad beating the hell out of his son as the mother stands backs and watches in fear, still loving her son, but to afraid to do anything or say anything and just watches as her son is kicked out of the house.  then there is the stories of the ones who come from the most loving home, but the moment they come out, their family turns their heads away and disowns them.  as a gay man i have heard all of these stories, but never did i ever feel i would have one of my own.

i came from an amazing family.  they instilled on me and my sister from a young age, the importance of working hard and earning what you get.  nothing is ever just given to you and its up to you the impact you have on the world.  you only get one shot, so don't blow it.  i came out a couple years after high school.  i don't have the most positive story, and it's not one i am going to share today, but over time my family grew to except me.  that was my biggest worry, that i was going to be one of those negative statistics you hear about.  lucky enough over a span of about six months, i didn't have to worry about that...or so i thought.

Brandon and i are perfect for each other, and the sad part is we know it.  we aren't cocky about it by any means, but when you know you know.  i have had people tell me we look like great together, we are cute together.  the girls i work with find it cute that we aren't afraid to kiss each other in public, not that we make out or anything, but a quick goodbye kiss when he drops me off at work isn't bad.  many have told me it's refreshing to see two guys who care for each other as much as we do be ok with showing our affection in public, holding hands and stuff like that.  we don't do any over the top PDA, but i'm a firm believer that if it's ok for straight people to do it then it's ok for me.  i'm no different than anyone else, but that is not what this blog is about.

Brandon and i are comfortable with each other.  we ask each other often why we are the way we are to each other.  we ask each other often why we feel like we have known each other forever, why we act as if we have been friends forever.  i now believe when you find the one you just know it.  everything meshes great, you look great, and no matter what happens during the day or time of day, in the end you still have each other and the two of you know it.  that is what Brandon and i have.  again, not to sound cocky, but we have the perfect relationship.

despite how perfect it may be, to say we have it easy is a complete understatement.  since the day we met and started talking or relationship has been nothing but up hill.  it has put such a strain on our relationship even i wonder how we are still together.  it's because of our love and communication that we are able to stand strong at the end of the day, hand in hand, knowing that we have each other and that is what matters.

when we moved to Iowa, i figured the majority of our stress would be gone.  i figured other than my house arrest and my probation it would basically be smooth sailing from here.  don't get me wrong i knew we would have our relationship issues that everyone has, but nothing like what we have encountered to this point.

i have always been great full to my family for what they have done.  they have picked me up and dusted me off more times then i could ever imagine.  to hear anything negative kind of bothers me after all these years.  coming to Iowa my family and friends knew it wasn't going to be just me.  was it a last minute move, yes by all means it was.  Brandon and i were loading the last armful of stuff into our place in Lincoln when i got the call that i had to move back.  we were frantic on what to do.  it was a complete roller coaster up until the final day.  but again the boy never left my side and i still am completely blown away he left his own place to come here with me.

moving here with him i thought things would be great.  i would spend my house arrest with him, i would get to grow our relationship together, what could possibly go wrong.  again, another pot hole in the road of our relationship comes from my family.  don't get me wrong it's nothing bad.  nothing that we couldn't handle, but more of something i didn't see coming.  like the sudden move our of our ex's place.  it blind sided us and we had to learn quick to adapt.

it has been like walking on egg shells half the time we have been here and it has only been just over two weeks now.  we have six weeks from tomorrow to go.  sad part is, last night was almost the last straw.

we have dealt with stupid stuff beyond belief up to this point.  Brandon doesn't "tech" live here, he tells the kids that he leaves late at night and comes back early in the morning to look as though he isn't staying here, Brandon can't wear a robe around the apartment.  things we have to be careful about so that he wouldn't have to lie to his kids.  stuff that a normal person under normal situations would be like "get over it."  but Brandon keeps a smile on his face because i am here and he wants to make things work for the next month and a half.  how he does it is beyond me.  don't get me wrong, i love my family, i just find it difficult to deal with at times, but it is his apartment so it is his rules.

we are currently living with a religious family member of mine.  he goes to church every now and then.  not completely devoted to his faith, but enough that he can say he is religious....i think.  i don't know how all that works.  we all have our beliefs and i understand that and i don't and won't judge anyone by it.  his kids were here for the weekend and Brandon was in a robe and shorts, we were informed that he shouldn't be dressed like this in front of a 12 and 14 year old (ages approx.) because to them he doesn't live here.  their dad doesn't want them to know he is my boyfriend, though the kids already called him out on it.  his stuff is here, his food is here, his bike is here.  it's not like they can't look around and see he is here.  it wasn't anything bad for them to see, it was just him comfortable around the house.  i nearly lost it.  i had almost had enough at this point.  to know everything we have seen and been told to this point is outrageously STUPID.  how loud we can talk, what we can say, what we can do, it's literally as i said, on egg shells half the time it seems.

Brandon of course, as i said, held his head high and walked away.  didn't change by no means, but just walked away like the bigger man he is.  to except me, is to except the person i choose to be with.  to except me is to except the man i'm with as family.  to disrespect the man i'm with is to disrespect me.  the struggles we face as a gay couple, i never thought we would face like this.  i never thought it would come from my own family when we live in a small midwestern town.  i don't think it's the gay thing that bothers my family member so much, as the fact that it is going on in the house.  he thought he was ok with the fact that i'm gay and i have my boyfriend with me, but when slapped with it in his face, i think his religion and beliefs are really tested.  it's not something i planned to happen, yet he did know what was coming when he agreed to this.

to except family is to except the choices they make.  to except who they bring into their life good or bad.  it's up to you how you react to the situation.  i have always said family is important to me.  family is who is there for you in the end.  never in a million years would i turn my back on family, but then again never in a million years would i put my family in a situation they are uncomfortable with, especially in a situation where they have no choice but to except what you say and do.  Brandon and i are in that situation.  for the next six weeks i am stuck.  other than going to work i have no place to go and nothing i can do about it.  i am stuck here in the apartment.  don't get me wrong i am ok with that, but i am not ok with the fact that my boyfriend is being treated the way he is.

as a gay couple we will have struggles with society all the time.  it's something we know and it's something we except.  we refuse to bow down to the communities and be who society thinks we should be.  we didn't choose to go threw this hell, as many of you may think (then again name someone who would choose this).  as a gay couple we take on the stress of every day life because we love each other.  we stand strong together taking on the world knowing that with each other we can get threw it all.  we have gotten threw what we have so far, we can withstand it all.

as a couple, gay or straight, life is never easy.  you will always have those that look down on you for any reason.  as a couple you have to realize you will need to depend on each other to see you through the hard times.  it's how you react to them when they are presented to you that mean the most.  its how you react to the moment that will depend on how strong your relationship is.  to be able to stand strong against it all, you need to believe in what you two have.  you need to believe that no matter what, in the end, you still have each other and that you want to have each other.  even the slightest down will put a weak spot in what you have.  there is no doubt in my mind how i feel about Brandon, and from what he has shown me, there seems to be none in his.

we take on each challenge head strong, though his seems to be stronger than mine at this time.  we realize that life will never be easy for us, but we also realize that in the end, it's these moments that will make me strong for him when he is at his weakest.  as a couple you need to be prepared to take on the unexpected.  you need to be able to say i am to weak to handle this, please hold me up.  as a couple you need to be able to depend on each other, because at the end of the day, that's all your relationship has.  as a couple you have the ability to take the world by the neck and show it that no matter what it want's to throw at you, no matter the stress, and arguments, and fights, you are able to say you are mine and you have shown me one more time that is true.

as a couple we battle every day life, we battle family issues, we battle relationship issues.  on top of all of that, as a couple we battle the struggles of living a life as a gay couple in a society that still partially shuns us for who we are.  and if that is not enough, as a couple we battle the stress of his cystic fibrosis and diabetes and everything that comes with those.  at the end of the day, at the end of it all, the most important thing is we do it as a couple, because we know going at it alone would be far harder than it is doing it together.

We Never Know Our Impact

once again, we have lost another to the hateful Cystic Fibrosis disease.  as i sit here right now brainstorming on where to go with the newest blog, i came across something she wrote.  it has really hit me to know just how selfish some people can be, but yet how selfless others are to ones needs.

up until about December of last year, i can honestly say i was a sick and dark person.  i wouldn't say sick in a bad way, but in a way that i was very very selfless.  i didn't care who i hurt along the way, i didn't care who i used to get what i needed, just as long as i got to the spot in life i wanted to be in.  trust me it was a very dark path.  i was lucky enough to meet some amazing people along the way, but i never really understood it for what it was meant to be.  rather i grabbed them, soaked up all i could, and tossed each one of them aside as soon as i got what i wanted out of them.

i won't lie when i say it was a very dark and lonely path, but at the time you are on it, you don't see it.  everyone is around you because you have everything they want.  you don't realize that everyone is using you like you were using them.  to you, life is one big party, and party i did.  and its crazy how one little incident can send someone down that dark path....a story i promised i would never tell, but something that must be told....

about four years ago i was with a guy.  a guy no one knew about because he wasn't out, and at the time had no intention of coming out.  it was a hard relationship to be in, having to keep everything about us secret, but behind closed doors he was amazing.  at that time, i thought i knew what love was.  he knew exactly what i meant when i said the little things mean the most in life.  after a double shift at work he would be at my apartment with a tub of hot water waiting for me so i can just sit and relax.  he would have the apartment cleaned for me so i wouldn't have to worry about it on my days off.  he would have a single rose delivered to me at work, just because he was thinking about me.  it was all the little things he could do without letting it out that he was gay.  in reality it was him who taught me that the little things in life mean the most.

the hardest part for me was when we were out with his friends.  he would be this big macho straight guy with all his buddies, but every now and then he would glance over at me in that special way out of the corner of his eye and send off a little wink.  it was our way when we were out he would say i love you.  its things like that which made all the hell we went through worth it.  knowing we had our own little middle school way to hide what we were.

i went on with the relationship as long as he could.  he told me that he really had no intention of coming out and that he was sorry, but he couldn't.  his family was completely against the gay life and he was afraid if he ever came out they would leave him, and it was not a chance he was going to take.  i completely understood.  i have always preached that is something that someone needs to decide and do on their own.  no one should ever force someone when or how to come out to anyone.  that is a choice we make on our own in our own time.  i won't lie when i say life with him was hard, but when you care for someone you honor their wishes, so i fought on.  i kept everything about us a secret, to everyone.  it wasn't until i met Brandon that anyone ever found out about him.

one night it just got to be to much.  he was at home and i got a text from him.  its one of those texts you never forget.....

"i love you Tim.  i hope you know just how much you mean to me.  you have been a strong and amazing man and i am sorry for everything i have put you threw.  you have done so much for me and kept us quiet just like i asked, and yet i don't feel like i have done anything for you.  please don't ever change.  you deserve only the best and a guy who will treat you just as great as you treat them.  please promise me that no matter what happens, we will always stay a secret.  it would devastate my mom if she ever found out."

reading that i figured he was just drunk and emotional for some reason so i of course laughed it off and said i loved him as well and that our secret is safe with me.  i asked if he wanted company and he said no he just needed some time alone.  so i told him i would see him in the morning.  the next morning i kept texting and calling.  it wasn't like him to sleep in to late because he always liked to hit the gym early.  he loved to be there and just go when few people were there.  when i got no response by 9 am i got worried so i went over to his apartment.  upon opening the door i found him laying there in the middle of the living room floor with a bottle of pills laying next to him.  he had OD'ed.  my heart fell.  i of course rushed over to him and with no response called 911.  sitting there next to him, i lost it.  it was one of the hardest things i have ever dealt with.  the worst part was i had to deal with it alone.  i had made a promise to never let our story out because it was what was best for him.

the next four years was a blur.  i would spend thousands of dollars on partying.  i lived alone at the time so no one really knew what was going on.  i would play it off when people would ask but it was bad.  it was a dark place for me.  people knew i was partying and drinking and people figured it was all a good time, but deep down i was bottling up a horrible loss i didn't know how to deal with.  so i drank, and i drank a lot.  i had a job making great money so why not use it to bury all the pain?

then Brandon came along.  at this point in my life i was really at my lowest.  people didn't really see it because i masked it with the movie i was making and a ton of happiness.  i had just moved to omaha and was using a friend of mine to "get back on my feet."  just one more person i used and tossed under the bus.  i was at the bars constantly.  i was drinking and just loosing it all the time.  i blamed it on one reason or the next never really letting out what was wrong.  i was drinking hard.  i had been smoking pot for almost two years at that point, but Brandon had become my savior.

we had started talking and we talked a lot, all the time actually.  we grew close and i began to feel i could trust him.  something i hadn't felt in a long time.  one way early morning, something i was used to doing since i was with Wade, we were texting.  i was laying on my bed and the conversation was pretty basic really, i just told him about my guy.  i told him everything.  i sent text after text after text about him for about an hour and a half and Brandon just listened....well read.  he would ask questions here and there, but mainly just let me go.  i don't know why i told him, even to this day, but i did.

as we grew closer the story kept coming up because Brandon had questions about him.  i didn't mind, i am an open book as long as you ask the questions, and he told me that once i start moving in with him and Bil, those times of my life were over.  he didn't want me drinking or smoking due to the situation i was in.  i was ok with that.  March 9, 2013 was the day i took the off ramp off the dark freeway i was headed down.

today i have been clean of everything.  today i am on a path i haven't been on since before i met my friend.  today i can honestly say i feel better than ever before.  its crazy how something so small as a conversation can make such an amazing impact on our lives.

as we go threw our day and as as we run into everyone, we don't understand just how big of an impact we have on the people's lives around us.  we don't understand how something small as a few words can turn someone's life inside out.  sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.  it's up to us to realize what we do for someone.  it's up to us to realize that we can have a positive impact on someone's life if we really want to.

reading Alexandria's post that was on my Facebook from a friend today made me realize how little we do for someone can do so much for them.  lending a quiet ear to give them a chance to vent, something as simple as a hug when they are down, or a text saying i love you, can do so much for someone.  we all try to do so much by go so overboard that we forget that those are the things we want the least.  we forget that those are the things that will tear us away from those who need us the most.  going overboard is greatful at first, but in the end those who we think we are helping, just look at us as someone who doesn't really care.  to sit next to them, to be there when they call at 3 in the morning, or to run over for a hug when we can shows so much more.

the impact we have on one's life is up to us.  how we go about it is something we need to take into consideration.  taking your best friend for a blizzard on their birthday is better than buying them a new outfit.  taking your daughter to the park and pushing her on the swing can mean more to her in her teen years than taking her to an amusement park.  don't get me wrong, those close to us remember all of that, but when you sit back and think, what were the biggest impacts of your life?  sure the films, and the rides, and the shopping was great, but what about the conversations during long car rides, what about the trips to the beach, what about mother and daughter doing each other's nails while you talk about boys?  sit back and think, if you were to pick the top 3 best moments of your life with those close to you...how much money did you spend to create those major impacts in your life?  remember, its the time you spend together that impact you more than the times at the store.

Moving Forward

Recently we attempted to move the blog to its own website.  Thought the move was new and still very young, we have taken it down to focus more on where the traffic was really headed and easier to watch.  I was happy with the start of the site, though the movement from one to the other was slow.  It was hard to see the number not where they were here.

On the site we were averaging about 34 views a day where here our average was 75 a day since we started.  Due to the attempted move, those numbers have dropped.  It was hard to see everything here on a more global scale, views from places such as the U.K, Finland, Australia, Russia and so many others.  On the site we didn't get to see those stats.  I would def like to say thanks to those who have viewed us all over the globe.

Before anyone says anything negative, I would like to take this time to say we know the site wasn't given ample time to become what it could have, but to many there were personal issues that were addressed to us, which I want to make many of those issues clear here today so that the blog can move forward to do what it was intended.  We feel that our time would be best used if it was focused here for now with a new possible site in the future.  This is not our goodbye to the site, but a see you in the future kind of thing.

Today I intend to explain what this blog was intended for and some of the concerns that have been brought to my attention about.  Before going any further I would like to point out that this current blog IS NOT intended to be a personal attack on anyone, and all information in this blog was ran past Brandon before it was publicized.  Again this is not intended to be a personal attack on anyone, just a little more inside into the blog to clear up a few points, or concerns, that were brought to my attention.

One of the biggest concerns is the name of the blog, Endless Struggle.  This was not the original name of the blog.  The original name was Breathe Easy, But due to some issues that arose after the first blog was posted, Brandon and I had intended to go our own way and I had come up with this one.  Yes I will agree that the name Breathe Easy was a better name, but that was before the blog grew to be what it is today.  Endless Struggle is not, nor was it ever intended, to be a negative name.  And honestly to those who view it as such, I feel sorry for you.  To not be able to look past the name and see more than its negative connotation, in my opinion shows ignorance.  Life is not, nor will it ever be, easy...for anyone.  Life is and always will be on on going, endless struggle.

The blog was originally intended for people with cystic fibrosis and those close to them.  We wanted to show everyone that though life was hard and got you down, there is always a light at the end and that those who love you will always stick by you.  We then started to blog on this account and realized that we can do so much more and help so many more if we expanded our reach and hit more broad topics that not only focused on those with CF, but also those who are in similar situations, as many people can relate to everything we go through.  So the name, Endless Struggle, became a blog about LIFE's endless struggle.  And in my opinion, that is exactly what it has been about, dealing with life's struggles and how Brandon and I over come them in hopes our readers can find a way to relate our hard learned lessons to their lives.

In past blogs I have brought up Bil.  From what I am told new comers to our lives have been confused, though he has only been a brief passing in writing, as to who he is.  Not to be negative, and in past writings I never thought I was except in my personal opinions which I tried to state, but he is an ex boyfriend of mine and Brandon's.  Many issues that Brandon and I have had to over come were caused during our brief time with him.  He is a recent past of both of ours that has caused many problems for us.  Many of our life lessons are still being taught to us as we move on with our lives together at this time.  I would go further into detail about who he is, but that is a story that doesn't need to be told here at this time, not until Brandon and I see fit to tell it in the proper context as to not make anyone look bad, but yet keep the truth intact the way it should be.

I do want to say that this blog is not intended to be just my words.  I believe, and I don't speak for him, Brandon does intend to begin writing.  I am not sure if it will be here or not, but know that the words that are written are not his but mine.  I try and run all posts by him, as I was just informed that I have missed a few.  I try and get his ok before anything goes public, or to far in that editing is hard to do.  His opinion does matter and I try to get it as much as possible.  As with anyone, I only know what he tells me and as far as I know he has been ok with everything that has been said.  He is my boyfriend and I do respect his opinion on things.

 I would like to take the time to state, any issues with what is written or talked about should be brought to me since I am the one writing them.  As I have told brandon, he only knows what I write.  He doesn't know why I write what I do or the feelings behind what I say.  He can only give the insight to what I tell him.  That is why there is comments below the blogs, for your thought, questions or concerns.

Nothingnhere has ever been intended to be a direct attack on anyone today, just a way to clear up a couple concerns.  This blog was not intended to be a look at me, feel sorry for me kind of thing.  It was not intended to hurt anyone, but to help people find hope when they have none.  Many of you feel I have used Brandon's illness as a way to gain "celebrity" via the blog seeing as how fasting has grown in such a short time.  Everyone needs to know that we went into this together and I feel we are a part of this together.  We are a couple and all decisions are made together.  He does intend to blog, but when he feels the time is right.  That is not my decision to make, but his and his alone.

Despite what many think, I know the blog has done good and has helped many people as I get the comments from them quite often.  Through it many people have found hope to find a relationship like ours.  Many have found hope in finding someone who cares for them as I do for Brandon.  From this blog it has opened many people's eyes as to how their families have wanted to help them as they have pushed them away not wanting to be a burden.

I personally feel that the blog has done good and because of it I intended to move forward with it.  I intended to continue to help those looking for it as long as people continue to search for it.  The Facebook page continues to grow, and our followers continue to grow.  People continue to use it to see that life is not as bad as they feel and because of it they help others.  To make a change is hard, to help someone through the hard times is harder.  It only takes one to make a change and do something good.  It only takes one to show that life is not as hard as it seems and to show someone that theyare not alone and that someone does want to lend a helping hand.

Time Together

so many times i sit here and preach about the little things in life that people remember most.  or the time spent together and how important it is to any relationship be it family, a loved one, or even just a close friend.  i am a simple man with simple needs.  something that was hard for Brandon to grasp when we first met.  he was so used to the "upper class" life style that Bil thought he could give him, that he forgot just what it was like to live a simple, non materialistic kind of life.

when i first met Brandon i was in the process of making a movie.  something i really wish would have been able to get off the ground, but every time that almost happened something came up.  needless to say, after 4 years of trying i gave it up.  it was hard this last time around, ill be honest.  we had a killer script that was in the process of being revised for a final time.  it was a script about a love triangle with a major emphasis on bullying and its effects on a young child's mind as he grows up.

Brandon was a very "materialistic" kind of guy at that time.  not to say anything about him, but he was.  he came off on a very bad way.  this was all because of the 3.5 year long relationship he had with Bil.  he was used to basically getting whatever he wanted when he wanted.  he got stuff given to him all the time from Bil. then i come in the picture.  a man who doesn't like people spending money on me.  a man who would rather save the money than spend it.  it was very hard to show Brandon that i wasn't the kind of man his "husband," or whatever he was, was.  i was a very down to Earth, plain kind of guy.  i really do like the small simple things in life.  my most fond memories come from times i spent with nothing.  i had nothing and i needed nothing to be happy.  i never needed a fancy dinner when i could go take a blanket with a basket of sandwiches and sit under the stars in the middle of no where.

over time Brandon began to see my way of thinking.  many days we would spend laying on the couch while Bil was at work and would just talk.  (don't think of that in a negative way, there was a reason we did this and that is for a whole nother blog.  it was nothing hidden from Bil, it was a situation we were in which would later be what brought Brandon and i together).  as we would lay there during the day, or sit on the couch watching the news sipping our coffee, he slowly began to realize that you didn't need to spend money to be happy.  he realized you didn't need to go to high class places and drive hours away to have a good time.  he began to realize that the time spent together is worth so much more than the time spent together spending money.

over time Brandon began to want more of this and a lot less of the materialistic.  in his defense he tried and tried and tried to get Bil in on it and Bil would always shut him down.  Bil always saw it as a waste of time, not time spent together.  this is one of the things that slowly brought Brandon and i together.

last night was another one of those moments.  Brandon and i had an early morning and just wanted to relax before making dinner.  being on house arrest right now due to a stupid DUI i spend a lot of time just messing with stuff.  we laid down and cuddled.  one of the reasons i love doing this is because it is a major bonding experience for a couple.  i feel many relationships would be saved if given the chance to spend time like this together.  to lay down, or even sit next to each other and hold each other while the TV is off and the music is off, allows a couple to reconnect.  allows a couple to go back to what brought them together in the first place.

Brandon and i do this about 5-6 times a week.  we will lay on the bed and just talk.  not about problems, or concerns, or stress, but just talk about anything.  anything and everything.  we really do have a sick relationship when i think of some of the stuff we talk about, but that is what makes our relationship so fresh.  communication is such an important part of any relationship, that moments like this keeps that window open. it keeps the flow alive.  with communication comes the pillar of honesty and trust.  with all three of those strong any relationship can withstand any situation.

though laying in bed doesn't work with every relationship.  sitting with coffee, sitting at the couch, or one of my favorite places that i did with my mom would be on the porch, early in the morning with a cup of coffee as the sun rises.  there is nothing more calming or soothing then a nice conversation with your own mother or father listening to nature all around you having a heart to heart.

something people don't do these days is take the time out of their busy day to reconnect.  to rebuild that level of communication in a relationship.  the world has so many calming soothing moments that we let pass us by because we feel like we have to get everything done now.  these moments are the best moments for us to reconnect not only with ourselves, but those closest to us.  it is the one thing i love about Brandon and i's relationship, we are NEVER to busy to reconnect on a daily basis.  we spend our mornings over coffee usually talking at the table or watching the news while talking.

morning is the best time to talk.  the best moments to connect.  thoughts are fresh in your mind, the outside would stays there.  there is nothing to distract you from hearing what your loved ones have to say.  maybe this is the reason so many people connect in a coffee shop.  when you walk in doors, its as if the outside world never existed.  despite how many people are in there, it always seems to be the most calming places on earth.

Never Alone

since starting the blog, our followers have slowly started to grow in numbers.  something we never really expected.  we hoped and prayed that somewhere down the line the blog would have helped make a difference in someone's lives.  help to raise the spirits of those that are down or in need of a "pick me up."

i started to really push the blog via Facebook and texting my friends and family.  i requested that they help spread the word by sharing the link to the page to everyone they know.  all anyone had to do was forward the text i sent them to their friends and family.  all they had to do was copy and past or click share to spread the word on their status and time line.  things i noticed many people do more and more each day.  thanks to those who have shared the blog link, we have started to get more and more messages.

these messages have brought tears to my eyes.  to see that our blog has touched so many people in so many different ways humbles me while blowing me away at the same time.

it's thanks to these messages i thought i would use today to remind people that they are never alone.  everyone, from those with an illness to those who take care of the ill, always has someone to lean on.  from family to those who read the blog.  this is the reason the Facebook page was set up.  never feel like any of the battles are your own to fight.  no one can fight a battle a lone and win.  no one has to stand at the front line with fear that there is no one who has your back.

the loyal followers of the blog, along with the many friends of yours on our Facebook page stand tall and proud holding your hand every step of the way.  we all stand tall with each other to the bitter end.  no one goes into the dark night alone.  as we all stand together, we shine a light brighter than we could ever imagine.

for those of you with the illnesses i want you to remember, never push your loved ones away.  never shut the doors on them.  they give you the help you need because they love and care.  they waste their time to keep you around.  you push them away, in hopes to not burden their lives.  in hopes to save them the stress.  remember that they do this because they love you.  they do this because they want to keep you around.  if it bothers you to have their help, remember how much harder and stressful its going to be if you're gone.  remember how they are going to take it each and every day you leave.

when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, no one is ever alone.  no one has to fight alone.  when you are at your weakest, when you are at your lowest, when you feel you can no longer hold on, remember you always have a friend.  you always have someone willing to grab your hand, no matter how small it is.  remember that the Endless Struggle Family is here to wrap your arms around their shoulders and each and every one of us will always be there to fight the fight for you.  when you can no longer fight, turn to your family and hand over the reigns as we will clear the path for you, to make the battle just a little bit easier.  as long as the Endless Struggle Family stands strong, you will forever stand strong.

To Short

today everyone seems to live such a fast paced life.  you hear many times over, especially in a society like today's, we over look the most simplest things in life.  saying hello to a stranger as they walk by.  a simple thank you to some one who lends a helping hand.  or, as cliche as it may seem, helping that elderly woman cross the street.  our lives are so busy that we forget just how fast life will pass us by.  we also forget just how quickly it can be ripped from us.

yesterday the world lost a very talented angel.  many didn't know her personally, but many considered her a close nit member of their family, even if just over the internet.  she had a way with words that many of us could only dream about.  she put on a strong fight against her battle with CF.  it's times like this that we need to remember that she is not lost nor forgotten.  she still stands strong with each of us, as we read the words she wrote.  her words were an inspiration to us, hitting many of us in a way that touched each of our hearts on a level we couldn't imagine.  painting a picture with words in a way most of us could only dream.

reading her final words spoke to me.  it reminded me just how quick things can be taken away from us.  sitting back, i think about all the chances that have passed me by.  all the possible friendships i let slip away, all the important people that i had in my life.  

sitting here, thinking about this blog all day long, looking for the right words to say...i realize i don't, as i am sure most of you don't either, take the time to tell those most dear to us, just how important they are to our lives.  

it's times like this that i am so thankful that i don't let a day go by that i don't talk to my mother.  even if it's a simple thank you for all she has done.  or a quick call back home to check in and make sure everything is OK.  i realize that i hardly talk to my father, who at one time was battling cancer in his knees.  our lives are so busy, my family and mine, that i didn't find out about the cancer until it was already treated and gone.  no one bothered to pick up the phone and tell me something serious like that had befallen a family member.  yet even today i don't take the time to make a quick call just to say i love you.

i lost my grandmother not long ago, hardly ever talking to her, i found it hard to take the trip to Texas where she was staying with my aunt because we never kept in touch.  i never called to say hello.  i always held it against her that  she held my cousins so much higher on a pedestal while i was nothing but a bottom rung.  i sit here today and realize our distance apart was not just her fault but my own for not taking the time.  i realize just how selfish it is of me to hold so much against her when i was just as lazy as she was.  

so many family members have drifted away from me for the same reason.  today i ask myself if it is even worth the call to try and bring it all back.  my family has drifted apart so much, yet it takes just that one person to bring them all back.  

i don't sit here telling this story as a woe-is-me story or look for sympathy, but to remind everyone how important a simple phone call is, or the amount of change it could make in one relationship.  despite how busy we all are, we all have a cell phone.  we all seem to text all day long, and we all update our Facebook each day from our phone, so my question to you is...why haven't you made that simple call to tell those who are important to you that you care?  to tell them that you love them.

*don't forget to add Endless Struggle's Facebook to your list of friends.  

https://www.facebook.com/endless.struggle.79

**coming soon - information on the new Endless Struggle Cystic Fibrosis Fundraiser (contact us for more information)

***coming soon - the new Endless Struggle website where we will be updating all our information and have a more fan interactive site.  we are very excited about all of this :)

Never Alone

it's crazy how just when you think something is set and you finally get a break, life throws you a curve ball to remind you to never calm down.  to always stay vigilant.

as people wake this morning, the tragedy of the marathon still lingers.  across the country, and even the world, people were hit by the bombings of Boston.  no matter who you are, no matter where you're at, we all forget how quickly our lives can be turned up side down.

no one ever plans for issues like this to come around.  many of us don't have the luxury of a bank account set aside for times like this.  growing up we all hear that we need to save save save.  plan ahead.  plan for your future.  plan for retirement.  problem is, few, if any of us, are told to plan for the unexpected.

sure we are told to plan for emergencies.  when our car needs fixed, a quick trip to the doctors office, or money aside in case we need to take time off.  what about the times when our loved ones need us the most?  what about those times when our fellow man or our neighbors need a little helping hand.

each morning i wake up before Brandon and i make myself a cup of coffee.  i check my facebook, a couple stupid games i am playing, i open up my blog for the moment inspiration hits, and then i click on a couple news websites and yahoo to see what's going on in the outside world.  i'm not a fan of watching the news completely.  i like to watch Robin Meade on HLN (she adds a bit of humor to the news and i kind of like that).  other than that i don't really do the TV much except for background noise.  usually its the same thing, something big and stupid about Hollywood or sports stuff.  rarely do i ever see a news article out of the couple hundred i see that really catch my eye and makes me want to stop and read it.  today was different.

rarely today do we see people who offer the proverbial olive branch to those around them.  stuff like that never really makes the news these days.  it's always something negative, something about a war, some country wanting to blast the hell out of another.  today Yahoo made me stop and want to read.

"unreal generosity in Boston" is all the caption under the picture read.  it showed a picture of a runner with what appears to be someone that helped with the marathon.  as i just said, stuff like this rarely, if ever, makes the news.  i had to see it.  it was a story about how Boston residents are opening their homes to people who were seriously effected by the bombing that had happened.  of course there are stories about the man on the roof, who the officials think did it, even about apartments of people in question.  this one stood out.  this one caught my eye, because it shows me that there is still good out there.

our world is full of negativity.  people to afraid to help others.  people to afraid of their own safety to put the safety and care of others first.  i guess this is what this blog is about.  being stuck in little middle of no where Iowa i can't do much.  i guess you can say this is my olive branch to those who need help.  to those who need to be encouraged.  i set up the Facebook page for the blog, link listed below, for the same reason.  it's a more personal way to help those who need it.  not only myself, but others who want to help others.  a positive way to say you are not alone.

people need to remember that in our world today, we need others more than ever.  our world is a dark, cold, scary place and we all need to be able to depend on someone.  give others a shoulder to lean on.  since i been with Brandon i have come to realize that we need to be able to say, "yes, i need your help."  we need to be able to depend on others to get us threw the rough times.  we need to be able to stand strong for those who can't stand for themselves.  i guess you can say that is what this and the Facebook page is for.  to give people a place they can go, not only for the CF'ers, but for anyone to see that there is hope, that they are never alone.  that there is ALWAYS someone, somewhere, who will open their arms for them and say, "let me take the burden for you, if only for a moment."  because today, people are to busy to take the time to not only ask for help, but to give it in return.

life, just like a relationship, should never be one sided.  it should always be 50/50.  if you are not willing to give the help, don't be greedy and take it.  life should never be a take take take like it is today.  it should always be a give and take.  only take as much as you're willing to give.  there is always someone out there who has it just a little bit worse then you, and maybe they are waiting for you to offer out that helping hand, if only for a second to remind them, they are never alone.  maybe you can be that one person to show them, life is worth pushing forward.  that there is something to live for, something to fight for.

Helpless

never have i felt more out of place than i do right now.  the day was kind of a ho-hum kind of day.  it was Sunday, as Brandon said, it's a day to relax.  which for the most part it's what we did.  we didn't really do much but just bum around the house.  though it wasn't different than any other day we have spent since this damn bracelet was put on my ankle, it seemed more blah than anything else.  the ending was something i didn't expect.

Brandon has done all he can to prepare me for moments like this.  as i tried to do for him when it came to the time for us to leave Bil, you just can't prepare someone enough for what lies ahead.  you can describe and talk and explain everything as much as you want, but it's not until something actually happens do you really see the severity of a situation.  you can prepare as much as you want, but until the moment arises you can't fully grasp or explain the situation to someone who has never been in your shoes.  tonight really made me see just how helpless i am when it comes to Brandon and his CF.

for months Brandon talked to me about his CF.  he explained to me how hard it was going to be on days like today.  telling me there would be times he would spend in the hospital.  times where i can't really do to much except sit back and wait.  i kind of laughed it off because i always felt there was something i could do to make things easier.  i am his boyfriend, i need to be able to ease whatever pain he is in.  i know enough people, especially around here, i should be able to get advice from someone to ease whatever ailment he would have.  then again, i have never known or dated someone with an incurable disease either.

that's the worst part about CF.  unless you know someone who has it, you really can't plan for anything.  there are times where there is nothing you can do except sit back and watch.  that is the hardest part for me. when there is something wrong with my man, i can't just sit back.  i was always brought up that a man takes care of his family.  Well when Brandon and i got serious, he became a part of my family. seeing him in a position where there is nothing i can do is hard for me to except.  even now as i sit here writing this, it bothers me that i could not take care of him.  it's like a part of me has been ripped away.

i understand with his illness there will be many times i will be in this situation.  moments where all i can do is sit back and watch.  hold his hand as someone else does the job i need to be doing.  sadly enough those are the moments that are the hardest for me.  i am used to making sure he takes all his meds, gets all his shots, eats on a regular basis.  i am used to waking up to make his coffee, set out his breakfast, and make sure everything is ready for him for the day.  don't get me wrong, Brandon is more than capable of doing this himself, but i prefer to do it.  there will come a day when he can't do it, and i need to be ready for it.

we both no that in the end, Brandon will most likely go before me.  we have talked many times over about what will happen when that time comes.  we have talked about where he will spend his time, who will take care of him, all down to the last moment.  i want to be completely prepared to know where shots go, how much to give, when the meds need to be given.  that is why i do what i do each and every day.  it's not to make him feel like he can't take care of himself, but because i need to be in a routine for the moment that he can no longer do it himself.  i need it to be a part of my every day life.  i don't look at it as a burden by any means.  i look at it as a way of protecting my man.  a way of knowing he is taken care of.

i want to be the one to take care of him in the end.  i think that is what makes moments like this so hard.  because this is something i can't be prepared for and this is something i cant fix.  though i know i am more than capable of taking care of him, i have to ask myself, am i as helpless as i feel?  i guess only time will tell, but that is not something i am wanting to risk when i want him as comfortable as possible in the end.  i want my boy to go out with a smile, and i want to be the one to put that smile on his face, no matter what i have to go through to put it there.  sometimes i ask myself, am i capable of being the one to take care of him to the bitter end.

Magic of Happiness

you hear all the time of people talking about the power of happiness.  what it does for the psyche along with what it does for one's health.  each day i wake up i see what people mean more and more.  you really don't see what something as simple as a smile can do for someone until your in the position i am in.

i have seen what almost every emotion can do for one's body.  until you are living with or dating someone who is "ill," you really take for granted how important something as simple as happiness is for some one.

i remember a time i was waiting tables at Texas Roadhouse, and an older woman was looking at herself in a mirror as she waited for her husband.  she looked upset as she was rubbing around her eyes.  i walked up, being the nosey person that i am, asked her what was wrong.  she told me she felt so old because of all the "crows feet" around her eyes.

hearing this kind of bothered me.  i never viewed crows feet as a negative thing on anyone.  in fact i find it one of the more better features on an older person.  i asked her why she viewed them such a negative thing.  she told me it was because it showed her age and she felt it made her look older than she was.  this is something that i have heard a lot of women complain about.  i sat down next to her, looked in the mirror at her reflection, i am really a people person make it my goal at my job to make people smile as much as possible.  i looked at her as she frowned at her reflection and lightly touched around her eyes.  she looked at me with a questioning look and i just smiled.

she asked me what i thought was so funny.  i looked back at the reflection in the mirror and told her not to ever look at a single one of her "crows feet" as something negative, but as something positive.  a slight smile came across her face as she asked me what i meant.  that's when i pointed out something people over look.  i pointed to her eyes and said you see what just happened?  she looked back.  that's when i asked, "you had a great life didn't you?  you smiled a lot and you were very happy."  she looked back at me with a smile on her face.

at this time tables around me were watching us.  with that smile on her face she said yes she did and asked how i could tell.  i told her that each one of those crows feet around her eyes were caused from all the years of smiling she had done.  that crows feet should never be looked at as something negative, but as something positive.  it's a sign to the outside world just how happy and joyful your life was.

she looked at me, tears swelling in her eyes, and gave me a hug.  i could since the smiles on the faces of the people around me as i hugged her back.  she pulled back and thanked me.  she told me it was the greatest birthday gift she could be given that day.  i got up holding her hand and told her, there is no reason to thank me.  just remember that the smallest things show some of the brightest parts of some one's soul.  i then walked away and continued my job.

this morning i was laying with Brandon after i made him some eggs and hash browns and toast for breakfast.  as i have said many times before, i take care of my man.  he was holding me close as we were laughing about something stupid.  anyone who would hear our conversations or our time together would swear we were little middle schoolers in our first relationship.  we really do talk about the dumbest and grossest things you could think of.

he asked me if i could remember a time where i smiled or laughed as much as i do with him.  i asked him what he meant.  he said since you met me, when was the last time you have laughed this much? i told him, and i said with complete honesty, i don't remember.  i don't think there has ever been a time i have smiled as much as i do with him.

it wasn't until i met this amazing man that i realized just how important happiness is for someone.  not only for your spirit, but also for your health.  i have seen him upset, depressed, angry, happy and stressed.  each emotion i have seen take its toll on his health.  you can see it in his face.  i never really noticed it on anyone else, maybe it shows more on him because of his CF.  each emotion takes something from the body or gives something back.

the stress just drains the color out of his face.  but the happiness, there is something about happiness that you can just see in someone.  it brightens the room.  not just Brandon, but anyone has this power to brighten the day of anyone around them.  when i work, many people would tell me when i wasn't happy it would mess up their day.  until i met Brandon i never understood how one person's mood can ruin everyone around them. today i can see what they mean.

the positivity can bring the mood of everyone around them to new levels. sit there for just a moment and think about how you react when you are in a bad mood and someone or a group of people who are in a good mood come around you.  you can't help but be happy.

we all take for granted just how strong something as simple as happiness can be.  in the case of someone with CF, or any illness for that matter, it can add months if not years to their life.  i know it's not something great to think about, but when you are dealing with something like a life threatening disease, staying as happy and positive as possible is important.

i know when i get older, thanks to Brandon, i am gonna have some wrinkled eyes.  i can say without a shadow of a doubt i have never been happier than i am now.  my life is brighter now thanks to him that it would take one hell of a rain cloud to darken my skies.  to find someone who can do this to you, and see that you return the favor to them, is rare these days.

i wake up each morning with Brandon laying next to me, and i wake up each morning with a smile on my face.  when he walks in a room, i don't need to turn a light on, because he brings a smile on my face as i bring one to his.  our lives aren't easy, and for a long time they won't be, but being together and bringing this level of happiness to each other's lives is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.  we live a simple life, because life doesn't have to be about material objects, but about the time you spend together.  those will be the memories that last a life time.  these simple times we spend together, hold each other at night, cooking dinner together, my arms wrapped around him as we stand on the porch as the rain gently falls down around us, those are the memories that will bring a smile on my face the day he leaves.  those are the memories that will create the deepest crows fee around my eyes.  those will be the memories, and the happiest days i will remember each time i look in the mirror.

never underestimate the power of happiness, because it will see you threw the darkest of days.

The Simple Things

i have sat here for the last 30 mins trying to figure out where i wanted to go with today's blog.  Brandon and i have finally gotten settled into our room, our new lives and are ready to move forward together.  i couldn't think of a place to go with this, so i just sat and thought.  how great things are and how everyone these days take so much for granted.  sadly we forget how quick and easily it can all be ripped away from us.  

very few people today take the time to just sit back and enjoy what they have.  everyone moves forward trying to get the next best thing or stay on top of the hottest trends.  last night Brandon said something to me that i have preached to him since we met, it's not about what you have or what you can do, but about the little things in life.

we all try so hard in our lives or in our relationships, but we forget that the things people cherish the most are the little things.  those are the things people remember.  the things you go out of your way just to show you are thinking about them.

today i go on my 60 days of house arrest for a stupid DUI i got.  i'm not happy about it, but since meeting Brandon i have given up that life style and replaced it with the greatest gift i could ever have, him in my life.  he struggled all day yesterday to figure out stuff he and i could do together on my "last free day."  all i could think about was the money being spent and how it could be spent on my house arrest rather than going to a movie or out to eat.  instead we made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chips and watched a movie.  i got to meet his cousin and we all just talked.  

after she left he just crawled into bed with me and said, "it's the little things huh?"  at first i was confused.  what did he mean?  i just looked at him and said, "yes.  they mean the most.  but what do you mean?"  he explained how with Bil it was always go go go never spending time together.  with me its not so much where u go or what u spend, but the time and the meaning behind that time that means the most.  he told me it's something he loves, but lost a long the way.  i told him that was all i wanted was to spend time with him rather than with the public.  holding him would mean more to me than a nice dinner or a movie.  all things we could do together at home.  

the memories you can create with someone last a life time.  no matter how small they are.  i would rather our memories, despite how few they may be, be spent together do stuff we love, rather than out with the public.  because on the day his CF does take him away, those will be the memories that will mean the most.  not the times we spent out in public, but the times we created something great together in our home.

Getting Settled

the move has finally happened.  the stresses seem to rarely end.  we are now in the search of doctors and getting things transferred.  the problem we face is his doctor is about 2.5 hours away and we want to get a doctor closer in case of an emergency.  

one of the biggest struggles with disabilities is that there are so many regulations and guidelines.  so many red tapes, and sadly i know many people who have to deal with them or stick to a place they aren't happy with.  since being with Brandon i have learned that life is to short to be unhappy, and since the move and all the red tape we have to deal with sometimes i wonder if the happiness slowly slips away.  that is where i need to stand strong for him for once.  

between is SSI, his food stamps, searching for a doctor for his CF, searching for after care doctors, searching for diabetes doctors, all within a close range area has been very hard and very difficult.  i look at him and i can see the frustration and i can see the irritation.  it is so hard for me to keep a smile on my face when i see my boy so worried and so stressed.  i wish i could help him relax, but the sad part is, i don't know anything about anything when it comes to this.  

for someone like me, all i have to do is see who is taking new patients and i pay the first client fees and i am in.  never in a million years thought i would be searching for something so specific.  we can't take just anyone either.  they have to be good.  Brandon was seeing one of the best of the best when we left.  his doctor was trained by his surgery doctor.  because of that it is someone i trust and someone he trusts.  on top of it, it's a doctor that knows about his body and the procedure that happened.  this is my boy, my rock, my man...i can't allow just any doctor to take care of him.  if it was my choice i would rather him stay with the one he has.  i understand why he can't though.  if something serious happens he needs to be close by.

i hate it though, seeing him so tired these days.  i wish there was something i can do.  im fresh and new to all of this, so his exhaustion worries me.  i got most of the important stuff figured out.  the meds, the schedules, the times, none of that is an issue.  it's dealing with how his body deals with stress that wears on me.  i can't tell him though.  if i do he worries.  i can't let that happen.  for now i just gotta sit back and help him get the help he needs before the end of next month when his meds run out.  keep a smile on my face, because in the end that is what matters the most.  getting him into the doctors he needs.  he is more than taken care of.  he has more support than he could have hoped for.  it's just the time factor of his doctors helping us find his doctors.  i hate how slow things move at times, but i understand he isn't the only patient they have.  

The Beginning of the Worst Week Ever

this is it.  my last Sunday here for awhile.  u no, as much we have talked about it here and there, i never really saw this day finally coming.  as the two of us are though we refuse to go down without a fight.  u no that is probably one of the best things i love about this boy.  he is always a fighter.  he never gives up.  we have talked about him coming down with me tomorrow to talk to the PO.  explain to her that i almost need to be here.  it's for medical reasons which is really what brought on the move to Lincoln to begin with.

i told him last night my biggest fear is that he will get sick while i'm gone and there will be nothing i can do about it.  then i told him that when that happens, unless it's serious, i wanted him in le mars where i can take care of him.  i apologized cause i thought it sounded selfish.  thankfully he didn't, he thought it sounded like i was worried and concerned.  which i am.  i am his boyfriend.  why wouldn't i be, he is my boyfriend.

that once again sparked the conversation about our daily routine.  i once again reassured him that what i do is not because i want something from him or anything in that nature, it's just that i like to take care of my man.  and in this situation i would RATHER take care of my man because then i know for sure everything is getting done like it is supposed to.  call me a worry wart, call me obsessed, call me whatever u want, but in this case it is better for me.  this way i no his shots are done, his pills r done, he is taking things regularly.  he promised me he would do that for me if he could.  basically meaning if it wasn't serious he would come down and stay with me so i can take care of him.

he reassures me, since he knows i will leave him, that he will never cheat on me because he never had a man take care of him like me.  i really do almost everything around the house, and i am ok with that.  there will be days where he will need to.  our relationship is completely different then most because of the CF.  i know most don't look at things the way i do, but i have to because if i don't there is a chance something could go wrong and i would loose him.  i don't know what i would do if that happened.

we went on a walk last night down into the UNL campus and just had a great talk, really opening up more to each other.  it was probably one of the best nights we've had since we met.  he has learned that i take on the responsibility of not only is boyfriend, but also his protector, and in a way a nurse.  i have said it before and i will say it everyday, i have to take care of him.  since day one his health has always been number one to me and i know he sees that.  i just wish other people would see that as well. we have such an amazing life ahead of us with this one last hurdle to jump before the finish line.

i refuse to loose him now after all we have been through.  sadly enough there are some that won't let us be.  some that feel they are so much better for him than me, which may be true, but until they do what i do every morning and every night, i won't see that as true.  when a guy is willing to wake up before him to make sure his coffee is done, pills are out, breakfast is ready (one high in protein, calories, and fat), and shots are pour'd out, i won't believe they are better for him.  his whole life he has take care of himself.  his whole life his CF has always had to be in the front of his mind.  i am his boyfriend and i have decided to take on that role in his life for as long as i can.  it's time Brandon gets a break and gets to enjoy life a little bit.  if that means sitting at the dinner table as i clean up from dinner while he plays a little game and i load the dishwasher, so be it.  as long as the boy took his pills and shot i don't care what he does.

with me as his boyfriend, Brandon can finally experience life without the stress and hassle of his CF.  he finally gets to live a little bit without the hassles of remembering if he did everything or took every shot or every pill because that is my responsibility.  only 10 more months of this, but the best part is, once the car situation is take care of, he will be with me the majority of the time.  and i can still take care of him.  i'm not so worried about him the next few weeks because i know he will constantly be talking to me over text and i know his mom Rose will be around until probably the end of the month or longer.  she will watch over my boy.  that will only leave 9 more to go.  if the PO will work with me so i can work i'll be back here for the last 7 of my probation and all will be good.  our lives will begin and his CF will be the last thing on his mind because his boyfriend will be here giving him all he needs.  even last night when i knew we had a sugar attack after our walk, i made sure he had enough insulin to make it til morning.  because that is what a caring and loving boyfriend does as he cuddles his man asleep.

for those of you in my situation, caring for someone with CF or any illness for that matter.  remember love can and always will see you threw any battle, as long as its real and true.  communication, honesty, and trust is what you need most to hold up a normal relationship, but the ability to take on the responsibility they need to know they can trust their life in your hands is not only the strongest pillar of them all, but also the greatest gift you can ever give them.  hold that pillar tall and never look back.  at times it's not easy, but love will always see you threw the battles, and never once remind them of what you do for them because they see it.  oh lord do they see it, and every time those pills are in front of them.  every time you make dinner you give them a kiss with a smile on your face because they may not say it, but they realize just how great you are and they will cherish that every minute of every day.  even through the toughest of fights, it's those moments that see you two through.

Our Final Weekend Begins

everyone's future is always uncertain.  mine most definitely.  at the same time though u need to believe in something bigger that keeps pulling the strings.  do i believe in a God?  i'm really not sure at this point.  i have my doubts that is for sure.  i mean who wouldn't?  look what he had i have gone through so far.

Brandon always told me everything happens for a reason.  my curiosity would ask, what is the reason for everything we have been through?  what lesson can be learned from the pain and heartache of the month we were together with Bil?  what lesson was learned from the 3-way relationship we were in?  what lesson was learned from all the mind manipulation?  most importantly, as we lay in bed and i hold him as he falls asleep, i ask, what is there to be learned from all the suffering he has gone through?

i won't lie, i ask what there is to be learned from him going through all of this.  if there is such a God as everyone says, what lessons can anyone learn from everything he has gone through?  life is to short?  be strong?  both you can learn in many other, more positive ways.

the struggles we have faced in the still early stages of our relationship have been over the top.  many of them i know most of you will never have to face, CF completely out of the picture.  the fact that he has went through them with me and for me still to this day blow me away.  the level of stress we have been through, the fights and arguments, but in the end its our high level of communication and trust that the other will see us through is what i feel has kept us together and in the end kept his CF at bay.

i won't lie, there are many times i have tried to slam the door shut on our relationship feeling it was what was best for him.  then i would look back on the issue or wake up the next morning and realize that i was acting no better than his ex.  Controlling what he does, telling him whats best for him.  Brandon has lived his whole life with CF and he knows what he can and can't do.  so i would always ask myself, "who am i to tell him what he can or can't do?  who am i to tell him what's best for his life?"  that's when we would once again sit down and talk the issue out.

i believe that no relationship can stand strong without trust, honesty, and communication.  i feel we have a level of communication most relationships only dream of having.  because of this level of communication i feel he has been completely honest with me.  there is no reason not to, because if you can't be honest then the communication will crumble.  with those pillars standing true and strong, the trust builds up stronger and stronger each day.  with trust being so strong, it will hold the relationship proudly above the rest.

the difference between our relationship and everyone else is the constant battle with CF along with his diabetes.  the medications and shots all being timed out perfectly to give him the ability to live a life like ours. there is nothing more depressing than cupping your hand and dumping enough pills into your palm to cover it up.  handing them over kills me each and every morning knowing that that handful of pills is the only reason he is here with me now.

no i am not looking for sympathy and no i am not looking for anyone to fill sorry for us or give us attention.  that is not what this is for.  this blog was designed to give people a ray of hope that just because you have an illness of any kind, you can still live a normal life.  there is hope out there.  there is love to be found.  never give up on your search.  there is someone out there that is willing to carry the burden of your struggles each and every day so that for once in your life you can wake up and know that when you walk out that bedroom door there is someone out there that sees past all the pills and sees past all the shots and sees past everything you worry about, because they do love you and they do care about you.  most importantly they sit there waiting because they WANT to take care of you.

when i decided to date Brandon i new all about his struggles.  it is nothing he has kept hidden from me.  and as i have stated before everything i do each and every day for him is because i love him and i care for him.  the boy has no worries in the world because i will stand tall and hold him above the rest.  i will collect his pills, i will pull together his shots, i will make sure he takes everything he needs, because the moment i don't could be the moment i loose him.  we have to many adventures ahead of us, to many places we want to visit.  to many friends i still have to meet and to many pictures to take.  but most importantly we have to big of a life together to build.  i take on his struggles and i take on his stress so that he doesn't have to.  in the end, no matter what illness you have, always remember there is someone out there for everyone.  there is someone out there who wants to take the burden on so you don't have to fight it alone.

today i have set up a Facebook account for this blog.  the link is pasted down below.  i want everyone to be a friend of Endless Struggle on Facebook.  it's a place where you can go to vent, look for advice if you are like me, taking on someone's struggles or you have an illness and feel like there is no hope for you.  it's a place online designed to give you positive reinforcement.  see through posts, photos, videos, and so much more from not only Brandon and I, but also those in our situations that there is hope and there is love out there for everyone.  u just have to be open to the possibilities that life throws your way.

 https://www.facebook.com/endless.struggle.79?ref=tn_tnmn

This Is Happiness

wow.  that's all there is to say about yesterday, is wow.  after all the stress and hassle and drama we have been through, we FINALLY had a great day together.  i don't think there was a moment that we didn't have a smile on our face.  we had no CF issues, we had no court issues, we had nothing.  it was probably one of the best days of our relationship to date.  

the only down side is when we were shopping for supplies for the apartment.  that is when the court issues really set in for me.  at that moment, the apartment for a short time didn't feel like ours anymore.  i know it sounds stupid, but when i will be gone for 10 months, it just feels like a bad joke.  but it's like Brandon says, we will be seeing each other so much it's not like i'm gone anyway.

i'll be out of town for work is how he describes it.  when really that is all it will seem.  we talked yesterday about visits.  i do plan on taking a couple days a week off so that i can come visit.  i'll say its for court stuff or something so that i can have an excuse to come back.  a part of me wishes i had a little more time to finish training at Granite City here so that i can have a real excuse to come back twice a week.  i could work an afternoon shift those two days i'm here to leave him some cash.  life isn't that convenient is it?  lol

it was a short moment in our amazing day where i just didn't feel like i had a place to call home.  it's like Brandon said, i'll be gone for work.  we do plan on visiting each other as much as possible.   this time apart will really test my trust issues with boys though.  (that's right, with every blog comes something negative).

every boyfriend i have ever had has cheated on me in one way or another.  i have not kept my worries or stress about this with the move from Brandon.  that is really the only down side to yesterday we had.  every time we talk about me going back it always comes back to that.  the sad part is, i really do truly honestly trust him.  when you love someone, like he says he does me, you can't cheat right?  i have to trust him.  just like he has to trust that i won't go out and drink and party while i'm gone.  i know i wont because i promised him i wouldn't touch the stuff unless we did it together.  

how do you put trust in someone who is 2 hours away, when all you've been shown is dishonesty from others?  i know i have nothing to worry about, the boy is and always, wants to be around me when he can.  if that's the case, how is it i can't put 100% into him?

i know we will constantly be talking on the phone when we can, and when we can't do that we will be texting and sending photos.  my sister will do a photo shoot with us sometime when he is down for a few days which i am REALLY excited about.  (which reminds me i need to get my Endless Struggle facebook page up.  that's where all our photos and videos will be posted).  he and i need some good photos together.

this is one of the biggest battles we will have in our relationship as i will mostly be worried about his medications.  i am so used to waking up each morning having my coffee.  when he gets up i just have a routine.  i find out if he wants a latte or coffee in the morning.  as that is being made i grab his insulin pen, his morning shot, yogurt, protein bar, meter, and pills.  it's what i have been doing since we were at Bil's.  there i'd have it all sitting on the foot stool waiting for him.  then we would sit together with the news on for background noise and play our facebook game together and just talk.  

i do have to say that is one of my favorite part of our relationship, is our ability to communicate and talk anything out.  because of our communication he has been able to talk about is concern with me towards his CF.  i know i haven't really addressed the issue of his CF in the last two posts.  until last night there never was a reason to.  don't get me wrong, nothing bad happened.  no exhaustion or anything except that fact he is trying to get off his pain pills.  

i can tell one of Brandon's biggest concerns for me when it comes to his CF is the toll it takes on a relationship.  the responsibility it comes with if something bad happens.  his biggest worry is that when the negative hits, what will i do.  where will i go.  will i stay with him or run away.  i guess easing his mind about the down side to his illness is about has hard for him to take in as it is for me to realize the boy won't cheat.  i don't know, i guess it's hard for him to comprehend that there is someone out there that not only wants to take care of him, but also wants to take on the burden on his illness without a complain.  

since day one he has never kept the CF from me.  he has never hidden his battles. never hidden the everyday concerns and pill popping.  since day one i have realized to be with him meant to take on that responsibility.  and i have, without one negative remark or one negative thought.  as i had stated in the first blog, it has become a part of my everyday life.  i don't look at it as a hinder or an inconvenience.  i realize if things aren't done the way they are supposed to be and when they are supposed to be, i could loose him.  and fuck that shit.  so i stay on top of it.  i have to take care of my boy, it's what any good boyfriend would do.  i'll tell you now i will still be reminding him of everything even when i'm gone for 10 months.  

he asked me last night what i would do if it got so bad he needed to be on life support.  i simply looked at him without missing a beat and told him we would just bring him home.  no  need to pay for a nurse when i am more than capable of taking care of him.  i can wash him off, i can make sure he has his pills and shots.  i know how to do that all.  even after 3 months i no how to take care of my man.  he asked about when i was at work, and i simply looked at him and said that's the best part about us, we save money.  we will just dip into that so i don't have to work to take care of him.  

a saddened look came across his face as he told me he feels like he has taken everything from me.  i was confused about what he meant.  i don't go out, i don't hang with friends, i spend all my free time with him.  i personally don't see a problem with it, but he feels he and his illness took all that away from him.  i wish i could so him that i chose to go away from that.  i chose to live a life with him where none of that matters.  it was my decision to live and spend my days with him.  i don't see it as a negative.  i gave all that up for an amazing guy who has shown me strength no one else has.  

yes to live the life with someone with CF can be hard and secluded at times.  they can't be around a lot of germs and stuff.  i would rather live a life with him going on walks, cuddling on the couch, laying in bed, and talking then out spending money or getting wasted.  when you do things properly, yes many of your friends disappear, but the true friends stay near.  and in the end i get to wake up each and everyday with my man in my arms laying next to me in our bed.  and to me that means so much more than a night on the town.

Is There A God?

just when the light began to shine down on us and the happiness was beginning to set in, our world fell apart. jesus we can't catch a break for nothing these days.  brandon and i were literally an armful away from being able to say that we finally have a place.  we finally have our OWN place.  we finally can start our lives together.  then one dumb bitch has to call and rip that all away from us.

we had borrowed a friends truck, really the only guy who has supported us and our relationship from day one, and headed to Omaha to get the last load of my stuff and bring it back.  while we were there, Brandon decided to get his weight checked and pick up some meds.  despite my fears, his weight was actually quite good.  i was re-leaved to say the least.  we headed over to Justin who was working at the cafe at the time because i forgot the house key on the key ring.

after hastily loading up the truck with what was left my belongings, we headed back to Lincoln.  on the way i had a major scare because i forgot to pay my fines due to all the hassle of the move and everything.  i know i know its no excuse, but it happened.  i seriously freaked out.  not sure what to do or anything.  i really feared they were going to revoke my payment plan and issue a warrant.  that's just what he and i needed at this time.

we got it taken care of after much arguing and almost fighting with my mom.  i couldn't help it though, everything i have worked so hard for up to now was about to be taken from me.  what would you expect?  all i needed was to prove to them i had the money i said i had.  she got it taken care of, and let me say, despite how much of a fight she and i have, she is probably one of the best people in my life.  one of the strongest supporters i have in anything i decide to do.  no matter how stupid it may be.  i am and will always be in her debt.

she gets things covered for me so that i don't have to worry about it anymore.  it was the biggest relief i could have asked for.   finally it looked like the sky was going to allow us to have ONE moment of happiness.  so Brandon and i finally get to the apartment.  we are unloading, and let me tell you this boy is the biggest rock i could have ever asked for.  being borderline diabetic, i was running on fumes at this point and he could see it.  as if he doesn't have enough to deal with, he is diabetic on top of his CF.  all he kept saying to me was hang in there we are almost done.  and we were.  we got the bed moved in and we got down to seriously our last arm load when i got the call from that bitch Manon in Sioux City.  she is the probation officer that has started all my problems to begin with.  it was about an hour to an hour and a half before i was supposed to report to work for my second day of training.  this is when she drops the bomb that i did not clear it with the probation office to move to Lincoln!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  this i knew to be false because as far as i knew i was on probation in Wahoo when Bil kicked Brandon and i out of the house.  we stayed at Justin's for a few days until we could go talk to who i THOUGHT was my probation officer there, Jill.  Brandon and i both went in and talked to her to make sure the move to Lincoln was ok.  She said she would probably continue the investigation they had to do to make sure i was doing everything i was supposed to do and if for some reason something didn't check out Iowa had some other things we could do to make it work.  she told us to go ahead because we needed somewhere to live.  since my job was in Lincoln, we decided this was the best.  since it was cleared with the probation officer we didn't see any problem with the house arrest and Jill didn't show any problem with it as well.

needless to say my heart dropped.  i was crushed.  after everything we went through, after all the money we spent, after all the heartache and pain and stress and hassle, the fight was worthless.  in the end we were going to be torn apart.  i didn't know how to deal with it.  i didn't know how to handle this anymore.  we had fought so hard while at Bil's to stay together and keep sanity in our lives to have something stupid like one simple phone call tear it apart.

as always he was the strong one for us.  he kept everything together and i just lost it.  he walked out to take Stuart his truck back and i just fell to the floor and lost it.  i finally got myself together and got the bed put together and just laid there.  he came home and like the amazing guy he is he just laid there and held me.

we finally pulled ourselves together and i started packing.  it killed me like you wouldn't believe.  it made me feel like i was going down a familiar path all over again.  like the time i found Trent laying on the living room floor.  then it hit me me.  i refused to loose him after everything we went through without a fight.

i rushed down to the car to get a phone number to a couple lawyers i knew.  one sent me an email later that night to a few friends he called to ask for help and the other didn't answer.  i got a hold of an expensive one in Lincoln who sent me to one in Council Bluffs.  he didn't give me a for sure answer on what he can do, but he wanted to charge me $2,000 to get it fixed.  he couldn't give me 100%, but felt like he can get it all worked out.  problem is, Brandon and i don't have it.  so once again it felt like i lost the fight.

it was then, after a long nap, that i decided it was best for me to just leave.  walk out the door and never look back.  i didn't know what else to do.  i couldn't put him through this over and over.  the stress was getting to be to much on him and he was starting to show it.  it was killing me and i didn't know what to do.

Stuart came over, always the man of reason, and he laid it all out for us.  i love that man and wish i could show him the appreciation i feel for everything he has done for the two of us.  he has always been our strongest supporter.  he sat here and talked to both of us and even the two of us separately.  i told him the situation and the fact that i couldn't handle waiting for Brandon while i was so far away, to then come back to him and find out he was taken.  i would just loose it.  but i had to decide, is it a chance worth taking?  he always told me he would wait for me.  that he was mine and that he would do whatever he had to to prove it.  i didn't know if i could believe him or not.  this is what everyone wanted.  this is what everyone was waiting for.  the time when he and i would fall apart, yet once again, the man with the illness is the strongest one.  my pillar of strength.

Brandon hadn't been eating properly the last few days, despite how much i hounded him, so Stuart had me go get food for dinner.  i made him chicken cord on bleu with mashed potatoes corn and a biscuit.  it was the only thing i could think of that wouldn't take forever.  he sat there and ate almost an entire plate.  jesus i love this man.  after dinner we just laid in bed.  i held him all night long.  when my shoulder started to get sore he held me.  its one of the things i love about us, we just know what the other needs.  we can read each other's body language without saying a word.

this morning i woke up.  i just laid there all morning holding him as much as i could.  i don't know how soon i am going to be able to do it again and i wanted that moment to last forever.  finally i woke up, knowing laundry needed done, the kitchen needs cleaned (still does, but i'll get it soon), and i wanted to be ready to continue our morning routine when he woke.

my man woke up and of course i got his pen ready, his coffee made, his shot together, his meter next to him, his protein bar, and yogurt.  it's what i do every morning.  the laundry is in the wash now.  getting things done i realized that what he decides to do with our relationship is not MY decision but OURS.  we have always had amazing communication and we have always talked all day long.  i realized that once again, though i feel it was in his best interest that i leave, who am i to decide what WE do in our relationship?  who am i to decide if he HE wants to stay and wait for me or not?  we have agreed that we want one and only one person, so i need to believe that if he truly loves me like he says, he can wait 10 months for me.  once the jail or house arrest is done, i will be only on probation which is over in February.  so if he WANTS to wait for me, then i should honor his wishes and let him.  i will not control him or our relationship because this is 50/50.  this is OUR relationship, not mine.  every good relationship is an equal partnership and i will treat it as such.

today is the start of our new life, a hard life, and we are prepared for what is to come.  once this is FINALLY done and over with, he will be mine and a true beginning will start.  can we keep our sanity and relationship in tact until then?

A New Start

living with someone sick is nothing new to me.  i have basically lived with it my whole life.  not myself mind you, but my mother.  she has been sick since i can remember, and has to be one of the strongest people i know.  daily pills, doctor visits, hospital stays, it's all just common every day life for me.  once i got out of school i never thought id be tossed back into it.

the last six months has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  from getting a DUI which has caused me to be in the situation i am in, to being putting into a romantic entanglement i never thought id ever be a part of, to finally being with the man i am with today.  funny thing is, i wouldn't change it for the world.

funny looking back on it really.  who would have ever thought something as bad as a DUI would me bring into the arms of one of the greatest, and strongest, men i could have ever met.  don't get me wrong, i'm by no means condoning drinking and driving.  it's actually a life i have left behind, but without it i wouldn't be where i am.

back in November i was supposed to have my plea agreement entered into the courts for a stupid DUI i got while out with a guy i was seeing.  i wasn't drunk, but i was buzzed a little bit.  i didn't even blow a .1, so don't think i was out there wasted face driving around town.  i was stupid and wasn't paying attention to what lane i had stopped at the red light.  there was a cop next to me and he got me.  problem was, i didn't have a license at the time.  again another stupid mistake on my part.  i own up to it and am dealing with it.

at the time of my DUI i was currently in the process of starting up my movie, once again.  it was a project 4 years in the making.  as of now, thanks to the DUI, it has been canceled.  i dont no where that is going to end up, but most likely on the cutting room floor.

due to the lack of jobs at the time near Sioux City where i was living, i ended up moving to Omaha with my friend Justin.  i started work at his dad's restaurant Justin Thyme Cafe.  it was slow, a restaurant job i was not used to, or able to handle truthfully.  him, his boyfriends, and his dad have been great to me and i really hate how everything has ended.

a couple months into the move i met the guy i am with now.  at the time it was just a fly by night friendship.  i never really saw anything come of it.  he had a boyfriend so what else could have happened right?  the relationship between him and i developed as we ended up talking constantly, all day long.  we ended up meeting and just sat and talked.  we got to really no each other.

over time i learned about his battle with Cystic Fibrosis.  until him i never really heard of it or knew anyone with it.  i slowly learned of all the medications, all the time spent, and all the doctors visits.  to me it seemed like my mom's issues all over again.  crazy enough, i wasn't to worried about that.

as time went on things really started to develop.  as i said, it wasn't intended, but when you are constantly talking to someone and learning everything there is about them, the inevitable happens.  he found out about my house arrest due to the DUI and him and his boyfriend moved me into their house so that i wouldn't have to deal with the stresses of Omaha  drinking, and the negative influences of the area.  i wasn't sure if it was what i really wanted to, but Brandon wanted me to stop the drinking, partying, and pot smoking.  after much hesitation, i decided to start moving in.

i didn't do much right away.  i wanted it to be slow, make sure it was what i wanted.  i had 60 days of house arrest ahead of me and i wanted to make sure i was making the right move.  everything was rough the month i was there, something i will get into down the road as it seems fit to tell it.  in the end, Brandon and i couldn't take it anymore.  so one rough night we packed all of our stuff up and headed out.

it was rough on Brandon at first, it still is really.  just as i am sure it has been rough on Bil, his boyfriend of 4 years who he left.  the stress has been high, which is where the problem of his CF is concerned.  over the month i was there i learned all about his CF.  the medications he has to take, when to take them, the shots, the insulin, the sleep and the drinks.  i knew once we left it would be up to me to take on the responsibility to make sure all this is done.

i don't want to over whelm anyone with the struggles and stress of making sure a CF boyfriend does what he needs to do, but he is my partner and i have chosen to take on that responsibility.  something he wasn't sure i was ready for.  i have shown him over and over countless times that i am there for him and always will be as he has slowly realized.  i am not saying no one else has over his life, but i have chosen to take on this task and i feel very comfortable with it.  the life style of having a boyfriend with this illness has become a part of my everyday life.  it doesn't hinder what i do, nor does it cause any problems in my everyday life.  as time goes on you will read about the struggles and the ups and downs of being with someone like this.  the arguments of a normal relationship have to be taken into account as the stress is not good for him.  over the next few weeks i will go into more detail about the medications and our everyday life.  nothing personal but an inside look at what we both have to deal with.

we have a great relationship and you would never know by looking at us that he has CF.  that is the best part about us.  we come off as a normal everyday couple, which we are, we just have to watch the stress and make sure his medications are taken on time.  how we store everything and how we go about life is very important.  the travels we will go on, the people we bring in and out of our lives, and the troubles of every day life that people take for granted all have to be taken into account before a decision is made.  the best part about us is we discuss everything fully before we make a choice as to what we do or where we go.  communication is key in any relationship and even more important in this one.  i am so excited to be able to share my story and a part of his as well as we move forward with our lives together.  this is gonna be one hell of a journey, and hopefully something everyone can take away from.  this isn't something easy to deal with, but together we make it seem seamless.  i know many people out there are in a similar situation as ours, but many may be having trouble dealing with it.  hopefully after reading what i post, i can put a little ease to their mind knowing that you can still have an amazing relationship and life, as long as you work on the endless struggles together.
-T