the only down side is when we were shopping for supplies for the apartment. that is when the court issues really set in for me. at that moment, the apartment for a short time didn't feel like ours anymore. i know it sounds stupid, but when i will be gone for 10 months, it just feels like a bad joke. but it's like Brandon says, we will be seeing each other so much it's not like i'm gone anyway.
i'll be out of town for work is how he describes it. when really that is all it will seem. we talked yesterday about visits. i do plan on taking a couple days a week off so that i can come visit. i'll say its for court stuff or something so that i can have an excuse to come back. a part of me wishes i had a little more time to finish training at Granite City here so that i can have a real excuse to come back twice a week. i could work an afternoon shift those two days i'm here to leave him some cash. life isn't that convenient is it? lol
it was a short moment in our amazing day where i just didn't feel like i had a place to call home. it's like Brandon said, i'll be gone for work. we do plan on visiting each other as much as possible. this time apart will really test my trust issues with boys though. (that's right, with every blog comes something negative).
every boyfriend i have ever had has cheated on me in one way or another. i have not kept my worries or stress about this with the move from Brandon. that is really the only down side to yesterday we had. every time we talk about me going back it always comes back to that. the sad part is, i really do truly honestly trust him. when you love someone, like he says he does me, you can't cheat right? i have to trust him. just like he has to trust that i won't go out and drink and party while i'm gone. i know i wont because i promised him i wouldn't touch the stuff unless we did it together.
how do you put trust in someone who is 2 hours away, when all you've been shown is dishonesty from others? i know i have nothing to worry about, the boy is and always, wants to be around me when he can. if that's the case, how is it i can't put 100% into him?
i know we will constantly be talking on the phone when we can, and when we can't do that we will be texting and sending photos. my sister will do a photo shoot with us sometime when he is down for a few days which i am REALLY excited about. (which reminds me i need to get my Endless Struggle facebook page up. that's where all our photos and videos will be posted). he and i need some good photos together.
this is one of the biggest battles we will have in our relationship as i will mostly be worried about his medications. i am so used to waking up each morning having my coffee. when he gets up i just have a routine. i find out if he wants a latte or coffee in the morning. as that is being made i grab his insulin pen, his morning shot, yogurt, protein bar, meter, and pills. it's what i have been doing since we were at Bil's. there i'd have it all sitting on the foot stool waiting for him. then we would sit together with the news on for background noise and play our facebook game together and just talk.
i do have to say that is one of my favorite part of our relationship, is our ability to communicate and talk anything out. because of our communication he has been able to talk about is concern with me towards his CF. i know i haven't really addressed the issue of his CF in the last two posts. until last night there never was a reason to. don't get me wrong, nothing bad happened. no exhaustion or anything except that fact he is trying to get off his pain pills.
i can tell one of Brandon's biggest concerns for me when it comes to his CF is the toll it takes on a relationship. the responsibility it comes with if something bad happens. his biggest worry is that when the negative hits, what will i do. where will i go. will i stay with him or run away. i guess easing his mind about the down side to his illness is about has hard for him to take in as it is for me to realize the boy won't cheat. i don't know, i guess it's hard for him to comprehend that there is someone out there that not only wants to take care of him, but also wants to take on the burden on his illness without a complain.
since day one he has never kept the CF from me. he has never hidden his battles. never hidden the everyday concerns and pill popping. since day one i have realized to be with him meant to take on that responsibility. and i have, without one negative remark or one negative thought. as i had stated in the first blog, it has become a part of my everyday life. i don't look at it as a hinder or an inconvenience. i realize if things aren't done the way they are supposed to be and when they are supposed to be, i could loose him. and fuck that shit. so i stay on top of it. i have to take care of my boy, it's what any good boyfriend would do. i'll tell you now i will still be reminding him of everything even when i'm gone for 10 months.
he asked me last night what i would do if it got so bad he needed to be on life support. i simply looked at him without missing a beat and told him we would just bring him home. no need to pay for a nurse when i am more than capable of taking care of him. i can wash him off, i can make sure he has his pills and shots. i know how to do that all. even after 3 months i no how to take care of my man. he asked about when i was at work, and i simply looked at him and said that's the best part about us, we save money. we will just dip into that so i don't have to work to take care of him.
a saddened look came across his face as he told me he feels like he has taken everything from me. i was confused about what he meant. i don't go out, i don't hang with friends, i spend all my free time with him. i personally don't see a problem with it, but he feels he and his illness took all that away from him. i wish i could so him that i chose to go away from that. i chose to live a life with him where none of that matters. it was my decision to live and spend my days with him. i don't see it as a negative. i gave all that up for an amazing guy who has shown me strength no one else has.
yes to live the life with someone with CF can be hard and secluded at times. they can't be around a lot of germs and stuff. i would rather live a life with him going on walks, cuddling on the couch, laying in bed, and talking then out spending money or getting wasted. when you do things properly, yes many of your friends disappear, but the true friends stay near. and in the end i get to wake up each and everyday with my man in my arms laying next to me in our bed. and to me that means so much more than a night on the town.
The sad fact is that your living with a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater. Oh, I should just leave Brittany alone.....
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