Faith

There have been many times lately I have asked myself, "why do you even get out of bed in the morning?"  To say the last few months have been a rollercoaster is beyond an understatement at this point.  My trust in others has been shaken, my relationship has been more than tested, those who I thought were close to me have turned a blind eye on caring what is going on, and many who I never thought would step up to bat have taken the mound and hit a home run (yes I do know some sports lingo).  Sadly enough, at this point, what I felt I had strong and deep within me has slowly been chipped away to nearly nothing.

Everyone at some point must come to terms with their morality.  How you do it and how you get there is your own path and your own story.  We all must come to terms our own way.  Some sooner than others.  My time has long since happened, and for many years I held my faith strong and true.  Despite what people may see, it was something I held on to just never talked about, that is my relationship to have and not something that must be shared, though others feel differently.  I have always believed I am here to do something, I just don't know what.  After a serious car accident I was in I ask myself many times why I am here.  Recently that faith has been taken away, one spiritual brick at a time, to the point I am not sure what is left.  

About a month and a half or so ago, I posted a blog titles something like "Is there a God ". At that point Brandon and I had just moved into our apartment in Lincoln and as we literally carried out last arm full of stuff up to the third floor, I got the call that my probation transfer to Nebraska was not excepted and that I ha a week to get home.. The Hell we had been through to that point was already unreal and to add this to it was a slap in the face.  Hadn't we already been through enough to this point?  We were forced to not only decide what to do with Brandon, but also where to go with our relationship.  As always Brandon stood tall and strong and refused to let me walk away, which I thought was best for him.  

As time goes forward it has been one road block away from happiness after another.  Yesterday we get one more as we find out there are many things that could be standing in our way from moving out to a farm we want to go to.  I know many are thinking to just go to another place, well as always life isn't that simple.  The farm is great, quiet and piece full, but it wasn't meant just for us.  We have friends and family in need of help, so the good people we are, we want to open the doors to help where we can.  Something any good faith believing person should do.  We put others before us.

Any other couple would have just pushed it aside and moved on, not us.  These people were there when we needed them so we want to be there for them.  All we asked was just a short amount of time to get ourselves together, which all were ok with.  Of course, as is with our relationship, a block is put before us.  There has been one issue over another with us going there.  One rule after another.  I ask myself, "how much can one relationship take before the stress and road locks become to much?"

Today I sit here as the sun rises, the birds chirp, and people go boundlessly in their day.  Today I wake up wondering what problems come before us to put another stop in moving forward together.  Today I wonder, is this the day it all crashes down?  To say I have faith in anything anymore is a joke.  My faith has been broken I Ed the last few months.  We have hardly had time to each other, yet we still put. Others first, something I always thought was the right thing to do.  Each time we try something comes a long to put a stop to it.  Are we not supposed to help?  Are we supposed to be selfish and make them fix it themselves?  That's not who I am not is it who he is.  

Today we stand strong with each other as always, refusing to allow life to tear us apart.  Today he stands tall with faith someone or something will see us through.  Today I stand next to Brandon a broken faithless man.  A man whose foundation that was built over many years of confusion and wonder, yet with a promise it will all work out, broken and crumbled.  Today I feel half a man.  As I watch the world turn around me, I wonder, how does someone's faith in life and what's right and wrong be returned when it has all been taken away?

Ambition

Most of us are not gifted with the ability to have or do what we want in our lives.  Many of us must work hard and save for the little enjoyments life offers.  A nice vacation, a new car, or something as simple as a nice fancy dinner at a very elegant restaurant.

Personally I am one of these people.  I work my tail off each and every day to give myself the life I have.  Until the last few months I never had to worry about anything.  I had a great job making an amazing amount of money in a short amount of time, and I blew it all away.  It's moments like this depression sets in and you realize just how much of life I took for granted.

People today truly depress me.  As I sit here on house arrest, one of the causes of my ability to blow through money, I get to see people as they truly are.  How people take the gifts and abilities given to them for granted.

Take my sister for one, she has so much potential to be anywhere she wants to be in life, one of the smartest people I know, yet she squanders it away worrying about other people's families.  She has an amazing eye for photography, yet does nothing with it (mine and Brandon's pics were just a quick shoot she threw together).

Each day I feel like I live life like my sister.  I live it knowing there is so much more out there for me, yet I am not living up to my potential.  For the last few years I have been so hell bent on a life in entertainment.  Not to be rich or famous because that was never my intention, but to live a life doing what I enjoy.  I love to entertain, to make people forget about their worries and life for even just a moment, and see there is a little ray of sunshine in their cloudy day.  Not all of us are gifted with the ability to have a bright sunshiny day each day.

Today I sat at home, alone, on my day off and just thought about life and the direction Brandon and I as headed.  The boy has an amazing gift he is willing to use when the opportunity arises, yet I am a server at a nobody style restaurant making minimum wage at best.  It's very depressing to say the least.  That's when that feeling hits me, that moment when something comes over you and you realize your better than this.  Your meant for something greater, something amazing.  That's when I'm forced to ask what my dare to be great moment is.  What is it that I am meant to do with my life?

Everyone is meant for something great.  Everyone is meant to be extraordinary.  Everyone is meant to change the world in some fashion, it's if we have the guts to put envy thing aside and go for it.  To put aside all fears and doubts and remember, everything works out in the end.

My fear is gone.  Today is the day that I step into the light knowing I have the greatest support system by my side, amazing friends who want to be apart of something out of this world.  Today is the day that I decide, it's my turn to make an impact.  It's my turn to take everyone with me and show that its never to late to follow your dreams and follow your heart.

As I have said before, it only takes one person to make a change.  It only takes that first step to reach for the stars.  Ambition has only the limits you set before it, it's when you decide to hit that wall running, swing that sledge hammer as hard as you can.  Tear it down, brick by brick.  Everyone has unlimited potential to do amazing things, but we are our only road block.  We are the ones who built that wall before us, we are the only ones who can tear it down.

Many of us don't realize the true support we have around us until the time is right.  Those who believe in us and our visions.  Those who support us are the ones we need by our side.  It's sad when you see how few in numbers that really is, but it will blow you away when you see that the sky is no longer your limit.  Inspiration is all around you, all you have to do is close your eyes, open your heart and your mind and your level of potential is only as limited as your desires.  Success, like death, doesn't wait for you to be ready.  How far you go all depends on how free you allow yourself to be when that moment arrives.

Never Stop Dreaming

A little over four years ago, a good buddy of mine and I were sitting inside a local bar, actually it's the one across the street from where Brandon and I are staying now.  Sitting at the bar we were just chillin and having a good time.  It was a calm night out, shortly after I had gotten done working on a television pilot that never got started.  It was a show about the Holocaust.  Sadly the show never got to film, but it was an amazing concept.

I have always been a fan of the entertainment world.  Not so much for the fame and fortune of it, but more for the creativity side.  To be able to take a concept stuck in your head and bring it to life, either on paper or on screen.  I have always considered myself a fairly creative person.  I have never really been one to let that side tame.  To have an imagination is to be forever young, once you let that creative side leave, what do  you really have left to offer?  In my opinion, you're about as dull as the guy sitting behind a desk.  This night was going to be the night to launch one of my biggest ideas.

My buddy Eric, the guy I was sitting with at the bar, and I have always had ideas.  Big ideas about where we wanted to go in life.  Never one to back down from a challenge, I have attempted them all.  Without success obviously, but hey at least I can say I tried, which is better than most.  Over the course of the night we were joking tossing around ideas about a new film idea.  An idea based on a character with a special need.  The character was going to be based off the set designer for the show I was working on.  It was going to become a very bloody Saw style horror/thriller.  It was one our biggest ideas to date.  

Over the span of four years, the film had been taken on and off the shelf so many times with hopes from one person or another of getting it made.  Finally after about two and half years, we shelved it for good, or so we thought.

Around October of 2012 I came across a special effects make up artist in Sioux City.  Around this time I had been secretly working on all forms of the film to get it made.  Everything from a book idea to a webshow (all of which I am still very interested in working on).  At the moment of our meeting I finally saw something promising in getting the film made.  We got together and really talked about it and the film took on a whole new route.  What was once a film based on a handicapped person had become a film about two gay men in a love triangle with a major emphasis on bullying and it's effects on a young child's mind as he develops into a man.

The film has finally be completely outlined and finished, well a rough draft at least.  Many people have loved the idea and other than getting no feedback from those involved in the creative process, I moved forward on getting it made.  Then came the house arrest and probation officer putting a final end to the film being made.  At the point of starting it up this last time, I had told myself this is the final shot.  At some point you have to realize that enough is enough and move on with life.

When this happened I was crushed.  To say I was crushed is really an understatement considering I had put so much time into getting it made this time.  I had profit sharing contracts and everything with many people, people who knew a lot of people, but wanted to see something start to come together.  Nothing ever happened.  It really brought me down to a level I haven't really gotten back up from.  I had worked so hard and put so many hours into getting these people on board.  I had a composer, make up artists, hair and costume people.  I had almost a full crew and the majority of my cast on board when it was all put to an end.  I was even to the point of having distributors waiting for a first shot look.

The call to come back to the Sioux City area was a killer.  It put me into a deep depression I never really told anyone about.  The plus side, I was in the middle so much other stress I guess I really put it on the back burner until recently.

As I have said I am a big fan of entertainment of all kinds.  I have went so far as to do drag just to entertain.  I am a big follower of a lot of major Hollywood sites on Facebook and recently with the new Summer films coming out and the end of a lot of shows this season and even bigger shows starting the new seasons, a lot of sites are putting up a lot of behind the scenes photos, videos and even trailer for everything. It has brought back the memory of what I had worked so hard on.  Many sleepless nights were spent on this film.

Though I have given up, it takes a lot of me not to pursue it again. When I get emails from cast and crew still interested, I drop.  I mask it with the stress of everything going on here and the mental promise to myself to still do fun videos as soon as the house arrest is over.

I understand this is a long story, and many are wondering where I am going with it.  Well I guess the most I can come out of with this is first inspiration comes from the most awkward places.  The most unexpected moments will bring out the best in us.  Who would have known that a night of being upset and deep conversation would have created a blog that has gone global so quickly bringing about over 100-200+ page views a day?  Who would have known that a writer would have come out of this?  But most of all, I never knew I would have inspired so many people that when there are talks of taking it down due to outside forces, people would come to me asking me not to stop writing, that what I write has made them a better person and helps bring a smile to their face each day.

But most of all I want everyone to know, never give up on your dreams.  Never stop pursuing something you love.  Never allow someone or something to tell you you can't do something.  I think this is why I have the desire so bad to continue the film when all is said and done.  I have given up though, and it was the hardest thing to do.  I have someone in my life that is more important to me then the amount of time the film will need focus on.  I have chosen to put him first and I am happy with it.  There are other avenues for creativity, even for the film.

Never allow yourself to stop dreaming.  I dream outrageous dreams that will never come true, but I allow myself to follow them and pursue them because without a dream, what do you have left?  What reason do you have to wake up each morning?  Without a dream, without creativity, you are just another corporate drone sitting behind a desk, doing what you are told to do.  With no ambition to better yourself, and no ambition to reach your true potential.  We all have the potential to be great, it's just where and how we go about it is up to us.  How far we want to take that potential is as high as the sky.

I have never dreamt of a life of fame and fortune, only to be able to survive doing what I love.  I love to be creative.  I love to see what's in my head come to life.  I have always said, if I could make $2,000 a month (take home) making films and videos and putting them on YouTube, I would be more than happy.  I don't need millions, nor do I want it.  I want to live comfortably, I want to inspire others to do better.  I want to be the one that someone says, "Tim helped me become what I am today.  Tim helped me realize that I was better than a minimum wage employee.  I did this because he has shown me that I am better than that."  Yes call me selfish, but knowing at the end of the day, I helped one person, I changed one life, it makes my life worth while.  Do I have dreams of being a film maker, yes, but not anything big.  Most of all, I have a new dream.  I dream to inspire others to see that they are better than what they allow themselves to be.  That their potential is higher than the roof they live under.  That the sky isn't the limit.  Your limit is only has high as your imagination will let it be.

*The last official meeting for the film at La Fiesta.

Brandon's First Blog

For everyone that has been waiting for me (Brandon) to write here I am. Sorry it has taken me away. I have been through a lot the last two months as I'm sure most of you know. Let's see where should I begin...

I was born with Cystic Fibrosis and my doctors found it when I was 6 weeks old. So as a baby I was very sick. At the time my birth mom and dad aren't able to take care of me nor did they have a car to drive me two hours away each time I needed a doctor. They tried there hardest but at the end they knew it was best for me to go into a better home so I could get better care. So at the age of two I was adopted. My adopted family has taken great care of me since than. I love them and I couldn't have ask for a better loving and caring family. My family didn't even know what Cystic Fibrosis(CF) was but yet they opened me with open arms. My mom was the best. She took great care of me. Don't take this wrong my dad was great as well. He was the one working and providing for the family everyday. I would wake up sick at 2AM and walk into my parents bedroom and tell them.  My mom would pack and be ready within 30 mins. We would then drive two hours to the hospital and in most causes I would be admitted for a week or two with mom never leaving me until I turned 18 years old. Even than she didn't want to leave me but I told her there was never needs for her to stay. She would still come stay with me on the weekend cuz hospital are dead on weekends.  I had great nurses and doctors. Some of witch are still great friends of mine. Oh before I forget. I was born and raised in SE Kansas in a small town of 9k and went two hours away to Kansas City, Ks to KU Medical Center. The hospital I went to for over 20 years.

When I hit about the age of 14 I was getting sicker and sicker. I was doing breathing treatments, 45 pills a day, in and out of the hospital. Around the age of 16 I wasn't eating as much as the doctors wanted so I ended up getting a feeding tube. They wanted me having around 6,000 calories a day. So with the feeding tube I was getting 2,000 during the night. From there around the age of 18/19 I was on 24 hours a day oxygen, doing feeding tube, 2 hours of breathing treatments, in the hospital more than I was out and my energy level was very weak. I would wake up some morning to take a shower and once I got out I would be back in bed for most of the day.

So I knew I was getting bad. So my mom and I drove to St. Louis to see about a double lung transplant. I'm not going to go into details on all of it but long story short St. Louis called and said they would list me. So I started raising money to help with the living cost and everything for me to stay in St. Louis. Three months after raising money mom and I moved there and I was listed. We met some of the greatest people while waiting for the call for new lungs. Thoughts people become family. After waiting about 3 1/2 months I started to get very sick. I was put into the hospital and they had to put me on life support. I was out for a week since they had the tube in my mouth. After a week they had to take it out and put in a trek through the neck. In that month and a half I learned to talk and eat around it. I was also walking the hallways. The nurses there told me I was the first one to do that in over 6 years there.

I won't go into a lot of detail in this post but I am a fighter. I don't and won't just give up in life. Life is to short for that. I live everyday like there is no tomorrow. I'm sure you're wondering how do I do it? My mom always told me you're going to be ok. We're going to get through this together. (as she would be holding my hand). But my thought was "ya" I might have it bad but there's someone else out there that has it worst than me and I was still happy I was alive. Like I said you have to be happy for everyday you have on this earth. "You never know what tomorrow could bring" And I also think that everything happens for a reason.
So after being on life support for 3 weeks (I think) we go a call they FOUND LUNGS. I was in tears, Mom was calling everyone she could as she was also in tears. tears of joy. Tears of her knowing her baby boy was going to be ok. The wait was over. They got me down to the OR. I signed a few things and than a doctor walked in. It wasn't going to be good. I could see it in his face. He said the lungs aren't any good. So mom and I was crushed. They moved me back up to my room. It wasn't long after that it was my birthday. March 9th. I was turning the BIG 21. In the hospital isn't the best place for birthdays, Christmas and other Holiday's. But let me tell you I had A LOT of them in hospitals. The nurses always tired there hardest to make it the best but still who ever wants to be in a hospital and let alone on holidays? But anyways on my 21st birthday I had friends decorate my room in a poker Theme. It made me smile. Knowing I had friend like that. So that night a few nurses come in and sing happy birthday to me and then gave me a beer. I'm sure none of you can say you been on life support, in the hospital and had nurses bring you beer on your birthday. haha. It was cool and it made my day. You have to look at everything positive.

March 18th 2010 came. The day after St. Patrick's day. We got the call at 4 AM they had found a match. This time it was different. Mom and I just called a hand full of people and we stayed calm. The doctors finely come in and said its a go. The lungs looked great and they're going to fit and work just fine. I want to say it was a six hour surgery. I came out of it great. The next day they had me up and walking. I was breathing on my own. It was the greatest but also the oddest feeling ever. I never knew what it was like or how it felt to breathe like a normal person. I had to learn how to just let my body do the work itself. I also had to learn how to re-cough, sneeze and do deep breathing. I felt like I was just in a dream. It was a dream that came true. Growing up I never knew I would be this health at the age of 24. Doctors didn't know a lot about CF when I was young. They didn't think I would make it past 5,16, 18 and so on. I thought I would have had to live at home all my life. The new lungs are my life. Without them I would not still be here today. It funny how many people think they have it so hard and then they hear my story and think different. But that makes me happy. I love helping other people. I have people with CF that come to me all the time and ask how I live an everyday life. First of all I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I feel like CF has made me the strong person I am today. I don't let very many things pull me down. I try to think and stay positive as I can. What do you get out of someone feeling sorry for you? Attention? I don't understand why people live an everyday life trying to find attention for themselves. After awhile you're going to stay feeling bad or/and get depressed because you're no longer getting it. I mean don't get me wrong everyone needs a little attention but to try to causes it your only going to start making yourself look bad.

Just hours after Transplant

Since the transplant 3 years ago I have been doing great. No more oxygen, feeding tube, breathing treatments or hospital stays. I do have diabetes and still have to take pills for after care transplant and the CF. I take about 45 pills a day and do shots for my diabetes. That to me is a walk in the park.

I also found out who my donor was and where his laid to rest. His name is Jacob and he is my Hero. He passed away at the age of 16. It's sad he lost his life but yet I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. Jacob was needed somewhere else. I feel like I'm here to spreed words. I have people come to me for help. I also try to be strong as I can. I'm thankful for everyday. I take care of myself the best I can.

I'll go into more detail about everything later on. I just wanted you to know a little bit about me and I didn't want to over whelm everyone at first. Another thing. I'm not good at spelling or writing. My last year of school was in 9th grade. I went 49 days (some of those being half days) out of 160 days. I was always sick or in the hospital. I think it was the stress of going to school as well. I started travailing after dropping out of school do to my health. I'll get into that at a later time as well.

 As I tell most people after writing them. "Breathe Easy". I never knew what it was like to "Breathe Easy" before my transplant. Try taking two cotton balls and putting them up your nose and that's what it felt like before the transplant. Thanks for taking your time and reading this. It means a lot to Tim and I. I know this blog was a lot but now you know a little more about me hopefully. Breathe Easy Everyone :-)

This blog is for Tim and I to vest, tell our stories,  help others and to do whatever Tim and I feel like doing. If you don't like what you see or you're going to judge us than don't read it. Nobody tells anyone they have to read it. Love us Hate us this is who we are and this is our story.

Weight Loss Support

Things change as time goes on, this is something that we all know and we all except, either consciously or subconsciously.  Our children grow and move out, we age and our body does things we don't want it to.  With the role models our children have today, outward physical appearance plays a big role in our every day life.  I am not saying that before it never did, but today it has a bigger impact than ever before.

Girls today are told that celebrities are the way to look.  With female celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Angelina Jolie, girls see these women as getting thinner and thinner.  With the Victoria Secret special each year presented on television, our young ladies are bombarded everyday with the idea that they need to be super thin to be sexy.  

As our parents were growing up, today's average was yester-year's sexy.  Having a little meat on the bones or an extra curve was ok.  Their role models were women such as Marilyn Monroe, someone who still demands respect from today's entertainment world.  

Today you see weight loss fad after weight loss fad after weight loss fad being advertised or flooding our Facebook walls.  Everyone jumping on the next big thing by either taking it and ranting and raving about how great you feel the first couple days.  Or someone who sees how great they feel the first week so they start flooding their Facebook selling the product themselves.  Then all of a sudden its gone.  Disappears as though nothing was ever different.

One of the recent fads was the Body by Vi.  As I talked to people about it (at the time I was able to run all the time and I can't wait to start up again) all I could do was laugh.  I saw people giving it to their seven year old children, I saw people using it to help cure ADD, I even saw people believing it was helping them with their diabetes.  I am not saying it didn't do any of that because I am not in the medical field, but by the time I was over it, I swear this weight loss supplement was the answer to everything except AIDS and old age.  I seriously heard it all.  After about a week or so I had enough, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.  I wanted to know why this miracle weight loss stuff wasn't on the market sooner if it was the answer to everything.  Funny thing, Body by Vi was just that, a weight loss supplement.  

Now the reason I preach about it, is because I have a serious issue with my weight.  I am utterly obsessed with my weight.  I have taken almost every single weight loss fad out there.  I have done it all in hopes to cure my obsession and to be where I wanted.  In the end, they were all a joke.  A weight loss supplement is used to cure your cravings until you are able to eat your next meal.  It is to take place of a meal if you can't eat.  A supplement is a meal supplement, not to be taken in place of a meal.  Weight plans that require you to take a pill or anything like that is nothing but a mind altering drug.  Designed to make you THINK you're not hungry.  Over time when you don't take in the proper calories and fat you need to survive each day, your body goes into starvation mode, which is what these weight loss plans are designed to do.  Your body thinks it isn't hungry so you don't eat.  As you take in less and less calories, your body starts to store all the food you eat as fat, which in the end, when you stop taking these supplements, your body continues to do and over time you are heavier than you planned.

When I came out, I was bombarded with more weight insecurities then I had originally had.  The gay community is very big on outward appearances.  You have to look a certain way, you have to dress a certain way, you have to part your hair a certain way (ok that last one isn't true, but I am honestly surprised).  You have to be practically perfect to even get noticed.  I was heavy at that time, nearly 180 pounds.  I started to binge and purge.  6 months I wouldn't eat hardly anything, had just enough to say I could survive, and then 6 months of just eating everything I could.  I did this for years.  Then I started to do some minor modeling in Lincoln which caused even more insecurities in my weight.  Add the constant need to be thin on top of the constant need to be perfect and you have a total mind "eff."  Then to top it all off I had some fairly good looking boyfriends, so I felt the need to look even better for them.  I was in a constant fear of not looking good enough.  This happened for years.  Then about a year or so ago, I couldn't handle my weight any longer.  

As I said, I have done almost every weight plan out there.  Pills, diets, mixes...I did it all.  When I was to this point I was about 200 pounds.  People see pictures and don't believe it, but being gay and needing to look good, I learned how to hide it well.  It was a fairly hot summer last year and I was working at the Hi-Lite in Le Mars.  It was a slow afternoon so I put my headphones in and I started walking.  I did lap after lap after lap every day.  No one would come in during the day so I would walk for hours.  After about two weeks I saw the weight shift a little bit.  So after my morning coffee I would walk to the golf course which was about 5 blocks from my house and I started to walk the 5k around the course on top of the walks in the bar.  Weight just kept dropping.  

Then I got myself a thin boyfriend.  Someone I was happy to take out and about and a new obsession kicked in.  I had to stay thin.  Rather than jumping on the current fad (Body by Vi), I did the logical thing, I hit the streets.  I started to run and I watched my portion sizes.  Yes yes yes I know it's a diet just like everything else, but it was the right one.  I munched on fruit, drank water, and I watched the AMOUNT of food I ate.  Not once have I ever denied myself anything except most fried foods and soda.  I still eat what I want when I want, I just watched how much.  And I started to run.  Everyday I would run. 

Everyone who I tell this to tells me the same thing, I can't run.  It's to exhausting.  My response to everyone has always been, everyone starts somewhere.  I started out running one block and walking two.  I was determined to get thin again.  I was gonna do it right.  As time went on and I did it everyday for a minimum of 30 mins a day, I got a mile, then two, then three.  By the time I moved to Omaha in December of last year I was up to 9 miles.  My next goal, 9 miles in 45 mins.  I was a running machine, and I started to love it.  I saw the results.  I was thin.  I was happy to have my shirt off, and boy did I show it off.  

Today I talk to people about how I lost my weight.  Am I still obsessed, of course.  I was "diagnosed," not officially, with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder).  Basically I see myself as fat no matter how thin I am.  Today I weigh about 140-150 depending on what I eat the day before and how active the house arrest will allow me to be, yet when I look at myself I see nothing but fat.  I know I am not, but mentally it is all I see.  It is a rare mental eating disorder.  I fit all the symptoms, but I won't get diagnosed.  My eating habits are healthy and as long as I don't have to buy new clothes I have it under control.  

I refuse to diet any other way then how I do it now.  My reasoning is because I do it in a healthy, though obsessive, way it is still healthy.  I don't deny myself anything except those two things, but I do it right.  I have had many friends come up to me and ask how I stay so thin and I tell them the exact same thing.  I run. No matter how busy I am I always run.  If you have time to spend in front of the computer or TV, you have time to spend 10 mins doing laps up and down a small flight of stairs as much as you can.  I then tell them if they want help I use two apps on my phone...MyFitnessPal and the Nike Running app.  I don't get obsessive when I put in my information, I eye ball everything.  As long as I don't get obsessive I feel great.  I keep my fat content and I keep my calories out of the red and I run everyday.  If I don't run I at least walk everyday.  I do something to keep somewhat active.  You do this and the body will take care of itself.  

These two apps have helped me with my obsession and my BDD.  I don't completely obsess, but I watch what I do.  I track everything this way I can, in a healthy manner, keep the BDD under control without medication.

Today's society is so bent on keeping thin, yet all we have time for is fast food.  Brandon and I hardly ever eat out.  We don't deny ourselves fast food, but we prefer a home cooked meal.  His body and health has gotten so much better since the sweets and grease has left the house for the most part.  We do have ice cream or cookies every now and then.  To help my metabolism I drink 16 oz of chocolate milk each day.  It's high in protein so it helps keep the muscles fresh and helps burn fat.  But I don't go over board.  I have always told people to add me to their MyFitnessPal accounts and to their Nike Running accounts. This way we can keep each other motivated, and I especially suggest everyone here to do it as well.  

It's funny how everything we are preached as a child for healthy bodies and eating, is actually what lost me my weight and made me look my best.  Exercise and a good balance of food.  It is seriously all it took.  I took out most fast food, I took out most fried food, and I took out soda.  Simple things that many of us live off of each day.  Switch it to healthy home cooked meals cooked with Pam and baked in the oven (I bake almost all my chicken and pork chops), and switch soda to water and you have a major weight loss right there.  Don't over eat and just have smaller portions more often and you will drop the pounds all in itself.  Top that off with 30 mins of walking or jogging and your waist line will drop.  (Below is a before and now photo to show you myself so you can see the results of doing what I did.)

Weight loss is a major issue with people today.  I can't stress enough how unhealthy it is to take those supplements the way people are.  It messes with your head and in time makes you look worse then you originally planned.  A healthy life is only as good as you allow it to be.  You shouldn't have to live your life denying yourself the food you enjoy, just enjoy it in a proper way.  Don't skip out on ice cream and pizza and a chocolate chip cookie.  Just don't go over board.  I give myself 2 fat days a month and I allow it on every holiday.  A fat day is a day where you eat whatever you want, whenever you want, how ever much you want with no second thoughts about anything.  Track it, but do it.  Eat it all.  Indulge.  Denying yourself is just as unhealthy because when you give into the cravings, you go overboard.  The fat days allow you to indulge because you have 28 days to work it all off.  Giving yourself one day and then back to the healthy stuff for 2 weeks, that one "fat day" won't hurt you the least bit.  

I encourage those who want help to talk, add the apps and add me.  You always need a support group to help you through the rough times.  I have helped many friends and they have found the results they needed.  And the best part is, I don't get paid for any of this, I just like to see people live a happy healthy life, something that took me 32 years to figure out.  Many people who are ill out there is caused my weight problems.  It's never to late to get yourself back on track and live a long happy life.  It's just up to you to take that first step.  And with a helping hand with a support group, that step is a lot easier to take.  Lets talk, lets help each other.  As with anything else, its up to you to take that fist step.  

*disclaimer - this is not meant to preach, but with all the health issues I see in the news, I figured I would give my little bit of advice on how I did it and leave it up to you to take what you want from it.

The Media

recently i read a news article about a woman who was shopping and she came out to a note on her car.  wrapped in side the note was not only $10 or $20, but $50 worth of cash for what i believed was a crack in her windshield, i may be wrong about this considering i don't fully remember the article from a few days ago, but that isn't really the point.  the note basically said, "i have been there before, i hope this helps out," or something a long those lines.  give me credit, i tried to remember.  the point i'm getting at was it was a complete stranger saw someone in a point of need and took it upon them self to help out, without any need or concern for repayment.

today we are so focused on ourselves and our own needs we seem to sometimes forget what our own family needs.  we are so focused on pushing ourselves ahead that we depend on others, and in many times the media, to raise our own children.  despite how negative that may sound, if you really think about it, it is true.  kids these days are brought up on the couch either watching television or playing video games.  we blame the media so many times on the negative impact it has on our children, yet we don't take the time to teach them right from wrong.  we don't take the time to teach them about sex at a proper age, yet we blame the schools for teaching it younger and younger.

today our media is attacked on a daily basis about its role in people's lives, yet those who blame the media refuse to acknowledge the cause of the negative impact.  video games seem to get rougher and rougher, with more blood and shooting, as Hollywood seems to get thinner and thinner.  our boys today see that violence is the answer to many problems because the games they are focused on become more and more violent.  our daughters gain disorders as people like Kim Kardashian and the likes seem to get thinner and thinner.

we sit at the table, or go to conferences, and complain and moan and groan that our society is getting worse and worse.  even today i go to work at the restaurant i work at, and listen to people complain about how the media is getting worse and worse and how it is rotting our younger generation to the core.  to be honest it takes a lot out of me to keep my mouth shut.  i have never been one to keep my opinions to myself, but at times i have to, this is one of those times.  when i hear this i want to pull up a chair and ask, "what is it you do all day?  when was the last time you sat down and played a board game and actually spent quality time with your child?"  i don't do this because i know i will loose my job seeing as people take their parenting skills as a direct attack on them, as they should.

parents today refuse to take responsibility for the way their child is raised.  know one sends a direct paycheck to the media for babysitting their child, yet we expect the media to raise them properly and teach them right from wrong.  who are we to blame the media when the media was never given the proper background check to make sure they are ok to raise a child?

i no way am i condoning the show "Honey Boo-Boo" or whatever it is.  in no way i am i condoning their way of life.  i am not one to judge as i don't like to be judged myself.  people, even myself, talked down on them because they are the poster family for "red-neck white trash."  (FYI I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A NEGATIVE WAY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, I JUST CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER WAY TO PUT IT.)  to be completely honest though, i have to say, Hollywood did not in anyway take over their life. they still live like they did before, they still have their same values, the only negative thing i can say about that family (and you can't say you wouldn't do the same thing), they cashed in on their fame because they knew it wouldn't last long.

there is two positive things i can say about that family, 1) they are a true family.  from the episodes i have seen, they are what i talk about.  they spend time together, they love each other, they do things as a family.  2) the mother never cashed in financially in a negative way.  from the reports i have heard, she has stashed the money away for her daughter's schooling.  how many of us would have done that living in their situation?  i can probably say, very few of us would have been that responsible.

today the media has a negative impact on everything we say and do, and i will have future blogs talking about this, from fashion to physical appearance.  the sad part is, we all fall for all of it, but today we blame a lot of our children's behavior on the media rather than taking the responsibilities ourselves.  i know people who have raised their children on video games, yet are upset because that is all they do.  we blame the ever growing children having children problems on the media such as MTV and such, but yet we refuse to sit down and talk about the birds and the bees because it takes to much out of our time, and God forbid we take a moment to talk to our children.

this blog is probably one of the more negative ones i have written, yet i see so much negativity thrown around, yet we refuse to take responsibility for the negativity we have caused.  when i was growing up, we had shows such as Boy Meets World, Who's The Boss, The Wonder Years.  comedies that were directed towards family time such like today's Big Bang Theory, and.....sadly i can't think of to many family directed shows.  we are so negative with shows like Two And A Half Men, Teen Mom and stuff like that, things directed towards the younger crowd and less towards family.

we blame the media for shows that are directed towards teens, yet they are the ones watching them.  we blame the media for the negative shows, yet we refuse to sit down and watch them with them.  today the media knows there is less family time and more "we are the babysitter" so the direct TV towards the group watching it.  we can't blame the media for being a horrible babysitter, when we never did a back ground check on it to begin with.  i guess my question is, if you won't let someone into your home to watch your kids without a proper back ground check or references or asking someone about them, then why do you let the media (who is worse then the teenage girl you brought in) watch them for you?

*disclaimer - this was not meant as a negative attack on anyone

Dinners Together

Brandon and i have many things we do on a daily basis.  things we do to keep the relationship fresh and a live.  we have our moments each day where we shut out the outside world and focus on one another.  phones are put away, TV is off, and it's just us.  moments where we can focus on things we need to focus on as a couple.

each day Brandon and i make it a point to put everything away, sit on the couch, cuddle in the bed, sit at the table and we talk.  one thing about our relationship that everyone notices is that we have amazing 100% communication.  we talk, about everything.  there are no secrets between us which makes the rest of the relationship a breeze.  don't get me wrong, we still have our ups and downs, on almost a daily basis, but we know that all issues need to be talked about by the end of the day.  

one of my favorite things that we do, and i am almost positive it is one of his, is our dinners.  we make it a point each and every day to sit at the table together, phones away (unless we are waiting for some call from his doctor) and enjoy each others company.  it sounds odd to say that talking at dinner is one of my favorite things considering we spend a lot of time talking each and everyday, but the time at dinner is different.  we shut off the world and focus on just the two of us.  we talk about our day, we talk about things we have been discussing through out the day or past few days.  most importantly, its our time.  its a way for us to forget about stresses, fights, disagreements, or any negativity that is around us.

one thing i have noticed that is really over looked is that we never leave the dinner table with out a smile on our face.  we make the time to hold each others hand off and on, give each other a kiss, and most importantly, thank each other for what they did to prepare the meal.  it all seems simple and sappy, but at the same time it's all very important part of a relationship.  

as much as we can, we try and prepare dinner together.  if he is cooking i try and put together the sides.  even if it is just throwing the veggies in the microwave.  if he has all that done i try and set the table.  dinner is our time where we connect, and are just us.  

looking at it from an outside perspective it all seems so childish and so "fresh relationship," yet looking at it from that way point of view, i see it's what keeps our relationship fresh and alive.  we never prepare a meal without giving each other a kiss and saying i love you.  we never sit down at a meal without holding each others hand, leaning across and to give a kiss and say thank you for what you did.

today people forget about the importance of creating a simple meal together.  they forget about the bonding experience between two people, or better yet a family that something as simple as creating dinner together can do.  as you are in the kitchen preparing the food, setting the table, think about how you feel.  think about the emotions shared between you two.  nine times out of ten its smiles, laughter, and happiness.  a feeling many of us miss in our daily lives, but until seen through someone else's eyes, we don't really realize exactly what is missing.  

in our lives we make things so complicated.  we make something that should be so simple, so hard and so outrageous that we don't want to take the time to do it.  one thing i love about Brandon and i is that we are very simple and down to earth.  we understand you don't need a main course with 15 sides to make a meal.  something as simple as an open faced salisbury steak dinner with mashed potatoes is all a couple needs to pull them together. 

i would be sitting there making the mashed potatoes as he is mixing the gravy and he would lean over with a smile on his face and give me a kiss and tell me how much he loves me.  as he pulls the rest of the meal out of the oven i am setting the table.  he dishes everything out into the containers as i put the finishing touches on the table as he brings the food over.  we would sit down he would grab my hand and at the same time, not planned mind you, and we would say thank you for dinner as we lean in with a smile on our faces and give each other a kiss.  

something that seems so mushy and lovey-dovey to most, is one thing that keeps us alive and fresh in our relationship.  maybe it's because we have been through so much in such a short time that we don't over look the little things, but i feel its something that keeps a relationship, and even a family, alive and well.

time together is very important in any relationship.  be it family, loved ones, or even just friends.  doing the simple things in life such as preparing and eating dinner together at the table, are so much more important than going out to eat.  preparing and eating dinner together has the ability to bridge that gap between people. sitting down and enjoying something you prepared together with your own hands has a way to remind everyone involved that you can find enjoyment in something so simple. 

today we spend out times in front of electronics.  be it the phone, TV, or computer.  we don't spend the time to visit any more.  we don't spend the time getting to know each other.  people tell me that Brandon and i act as though we have been friends forever.  they ask how we can have a relationship like that in such a short time.  i feel its the simple times like this were all that happened.  we don't take the little things for granted, we relish in them.  we live for them each and every day.  the half our in the afternoon laying down on the bed together, phones put aside, where we focus on each other and issues we need to talk about.  we make sure each and every day we get our time together where the outside world is no longer a part of our lives.  where the stress and hassles no longer mean anything.  

as you sit here and read this i am sure many people have thought about the last time they sat down at the dinner table and ate as a family.  i am sure many people have sat here and thought about how much they miss that.  many of you are in the other room thinking about your table now full of papers and bills and trash.  things that it's not intended for.  today i want you to walk over there, clean it off, and prepare it for tonight.  i want you to go to the store, pull out some chicken and let it thaw.  tonight you are going to make dinner for your family.  tonight you are all going to put everything away and just rekindle that relationship you once had.  tonight you are going to build a bridge to bring you back together.  

i know many of you have loved ones in the hospital for one reason or another.  so rather than do that you are going to make dinner, pack up some silverware and plates.  you are going to go to the hospital room and set up your own dinner table there.  you are going to shut off the TV and enjoy each others company.  because when you set that home cooked meal in front of them, they will forget about the wires and tubes for just a moment and remember what it was like to be a family.  with today's world the way it is, you need this more than anything.  you need this time together more than your iPhone, more than CSI, more than Facebook.  you need to rekindle what you once had to remember just how important each of you are to each other.  when you're done make sure you leave with a smile.  make sure to say thank you to the ones who deserve it.  be sure to lean across the table through out the meal for that simple kiss and i love you.  it will go further and mean more than you will ever imagine.  and as you pull away with a smile on your face, embrace that feeling. embrace the happiness inside and don't ever let it go.  

The Refreshing Power of Rain

i am a huge advocate about the little things in life.  anyone who keeps up on the blogs knows that i don't fancy myself with the big things in life.  things such as shopping, going to see films all the time (i honestly don't remember what the last film i saw in theaters was, though i know my next is going to be the new Superman and Iron Man films when i get off house arrest), spending money on an array of video games, or even monthly subscriptions to things such as Warcraft.

i prefer the cheaper things in life.  going for walks or just sitting down with loved ones and friends playing card/board games.  don't get me wrong when it comes to Brandon i do splurge every now and then.  not on anything like a ton of clothes or anything expensive, but i will every now and then get him something small i know he has been wanting for awhile, or my favorite, showing up at the house with a small bouquet of flowers.  it's something we both can look at and enjoy while it sits on the counter or table.

this morning i woke up to the gentle pitter patter of rain drops gently falling outside.  it's 5 a.m. so in this small town the plus side to it is there is very little traffic outside.  to be honest, since i know it's happening, sitting here writing this really sucks because i would rather crawl back into bed with him, gently wrap my arms around him as he sleeps and just lay there and cuddle.  i'm a major cuddle bug, so any chance i have when a setting is like this, i like to cash in on it.

the rain is a great excuse for two people to cuddle.  i used to know this elderly couple, this was years ago, that were romantic to each other until their last days together.  when they would wake and it would be a gentle rain like this, they would sit on their porch under a blanket, he would wrap his arms around her, and they would sit there in silence as the rain gently fell.  they wouldn't say a word.  i asked them one day how they could sit there for hours and not say a word, mind you i was a lot younger than i am now when i said this.  the man just looked at me and said, "it's the time you spend together that matters most in a relationship. the things you do, not the things you say.  we have sat out there like that every time it has rained since we got married, because it rained on our first date."  he then looked over at her and grabbed her hand and looked back at me.  "we were supposed to go to the movies that night.  i showed up and she was all dressed up ready to go and there i was with a blanket wrapped around my arm."  a smile came across her face as she told me this story.  "i looked at her and said, 'let's just enjoy this for awhile.'"  that's when she looked at me and said, "from that moment on, each time it rains we sit on the porch like we did that night.  he would hold under the blanket and we would just sit there."  of course being a young kid at the time i asked what film they say and she looked down and said, "we never left the house."

as a couple the rain as this amazing ability to wash away all our troubles and all our worries.  all the stress that has built up until that point is washed away.  a gentle rain fall, for a couple, is like God's way of saying, "stay strong.  take this time to forget about everything and just reunite, even if only for a moment."

don't get me wrong, it's not just for couples either.  the rain can do the same for anyone single, couple, friends, or even sitting out doors with your pets.  last year when i had a porch at the house i was living in, i would sit outside with my little kitten Nalla and we would just sit out there for hours as the rain fell around us.  she could curl up on my lap or on my shoulders and fall asleep.  with a pet, sitting out doors at a moment like this, has a major bonding effect.  like in some magical way it takes the two of you, pet,loved one, friends, it doesn't matter, and brings you and them closer together spiritually.

though as a child you viewed a time like this as fun.  you would run around dancing, laughing and playing, looking for earth worms, all the while your mom is standing inside getting more and more angry cause she knew no matter what she said, you were going to come in and track mud in the house.  she didn't know where or how, she just new she was going to find it somewhere.  it's the time you spent together with them, the bonding experience you two or group had.  yeah you did stuff together all the time, at the park or at school, but think about it just for a moment.  think about how everything disappeared when you were out playing in the rain.  think about how there was no stress, no problems, no school, it was all there at the moment.  it was all then and nothing else mattered.

to me the rain is very therapeutic and i am almost sure everyone will agree.  it is why there are a lot of items on the market that mimic the sound of rain, yet nothing can quite pin it down like the actual rain can.  the sound of a gentle rain fall has the ability to make you forget everything around you.  like when you were a child, the rain makes you forget your worries, even for a moment.  as you sit there and listen to it fall around you, you get caught in the moment.  you get caught in the memories of your childhood when you would go find those earthworms.  watching them crawl up out of the ground and ever so slowly inch their way across the side walk.  it was one of the most mesmerizing things watching them slowly inch their way threw life.  yet you couldn't help but laugh and poke and then after a moment, you would crouch down (because even as a kid the earth worm has a way of making you forget the fun your having) and just watch.  you had to.  one end stretching out and the rest retract back pulling itself back together.  (don't tell me you didn't picture it happening in your mind as you read that)  it amazed you.  you wondered how it happened, yet always forgot to ask your teacher.

the rain, like the earth worm, is an amazing creation by God.  one of the few things in life we really can't explain because they are so simple and so plain, yet so breath taking.  if you allow them, if you open yourself up to the thought of a child, even for a moment, they both allow you to forget life even for just a second and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.  i bet right now you are thinking, "i never thought of it that way."  many people don't.  i talk about how busy we are in life these days that we forget about the simple things, the little things that are so astounding they can remind us how great life really is.

next time you are home, and the rain begins to fall, i urge you to grab your loved ones and pull out a blanket and shut off the lights.  grab some hot cocoa or your favorite childhood beverage and sit on the porch sit near an open window.  those ill and in a hospital bed, call the nurse and ask her to close the door, shut the lights off and open a window.  get out of the bed or have them push you as close as those hoses and wires will let you.  if you're there alone ask your favorite nurse to hop into bed with you or sit next to you.   everyone get under the blanket and allow yourself to get close to one another again.  quietly sit there for a moment, take in some deep breaths.  allow the fresh air to over come you.  enjoy it and embrace it.  and just sit there.  let the moment take you in, allow yourself to escape from life.  allow yourselves to go on a journey together.  create a memory that will last a life time because when your daughter gets older, when your son has a child of his own, or those with illnesses that will be stuck in a hospital bed in the future, this is the moment you will talk about.  this is the moment that will bring a smile on your face the next time you hear the rain fall outside the window, this will be the moment that will bring tears to your eyes because this will be the moment that will mean the most to you.  it will be that moment where the two, three, four, or who knows how many of you sat and allowed yourself to bond.  you allowed yourself to forget about life for awhile and bond, to become one.  it's that moment that will last a life time and beyond

We Do It As A Couple

as a gay man we all hear the crazy coming out stories, both good and bad.  the stories about how friends and family already knew, but they were just waiting for the person to finally do it.  or the friends that welcomed them with open arms, practically throwing them a party because they are so happy that they are so comfortable with themselves they can finally tell someone.  then there are those negative stories you hear about.  friends cornering his old buddy at the end of the school day in the alley behind the building beating the hell out of him.  or someone coming out to their family and the dad beating the hell out of his son as the mother stands backs and watches in fear, still loving her son, but to afraid to do anything or say anything and just watches as her son is kicked out of the house.  then there is the stories of the ones who come from the most loving home, but the moment they come out, their family turns their heads away and disowns them.  as a gay man i have heard all of these stories, but never did i ever feel i would have one of my own.

i came from an amazing family.  they instilled on me and my sister from a young age, the importance of working hard and earning what you get.  nothing is ever just given to you and its up to you the impact you have on the world.  you only get one shot, so don't blow it.  i came out a couple years after high school.  i don't have the most positive story, and it's not one i am going to share today, but over time my family grew to except me.  that was my biggest worry, that i was going to be one of those negative statistics you hear about.  lucky enough over a span of about six months, i didn't have to worry about that...or so i thought.

Brandon and i are perfect for each other, and the sad part is we know it.  we aren't cocky about it by any means, but when you know you know.  i have had people tell me we look like great together, we are cute together.  the girls i work with find it cute that we aren't afraid to kiss each other in public, not that we make out or anything, but a quick goodbye kiss when he drops me off at work isn't bad.  many have told me it's refreshing to see two guys who care for each other as much as we do be ok with showing our affection in public, holding hands and stuff like that.  we don't do any over the top PDA, but i'm a firm believer that if it's ok for straight people to do it then it's ok for me.  i'm no different than anyone else, but that is not what this blog is about.

Brandon and i are comfortable with each other.  we ask each other often why we are the way we are to each other.  we ask each other often why we feel like we have known each other forever, why we act as if we have been friends forever.  i now believe when you find the one you just know it.  everything meshes great, you look great, and no matter what happens during the day or time of day, in the end you still have each other and the two of you know it.  that is what Brandon and i have.  again, not to sound cocky, but we have the perfect relationship.

despite how perfect it may be, to say we have it easy is a complete understatement.  since the day we met and started talking or relationship has been nothing but up hill.  it has put such a strain on our relationship even i wonder how we are still together.  it's because of our love and communication that we are able to stand strong at the end of the day, hand in hand, knowing that we have each other and that is what matters.

when we moved to Iowa, i figured the majority of our stress would be gone.  i figured other than my house arrest and my probation it would basically be smooth sailing from here.  don't get me wrong i knew we would have our relationship issues that everyone has, but nothing like what we have encountered to this point.

i have always been great full to my family for what they have done.  they have picked me up and dusted me off more times then i could ever imagine.  to hear anything negative kind of bothers me after all these years.  coming to Iowa my family and friends knew it wasn't going to be just me.  was it a last minute move, yes by all means it was.  Brandon and i were loading the last armful of stuff into our place in Lincoln when i got the call that i had to move back.  we were frantic on what to do.  it was a complete roller coaster up until the final day.  but again the boy never left my side and i still am completely blown away he left his own place to come here with me.

moving here with him i thought things would be great.  i would spend my house arrest with him, i would get to grow our relationship together, what could possibly go wrong.  again, another pot hole in the road of our relationship comes from my family.  don't get me wrong it's nothing bad.  nothing that we couldn't handle, but more of something i didn't see coming.  like the sudden move our of our ex's place.  it blind sided us and we had to learn quick to adapt.

it has been like walking on egg shells half the time we have been here and it has only been just over two weeks now.  we have six weeks from tomorrow to go.  sad part is, last night was almost the last straw.

we have dealt with stupid stuff beyond belief up to this point.  Brandon doesn't "tech" live here, he tells the kids that he leaves late at night and comes back early in the morning to look as though he isn't staying here, Brandon can't wear a robe around the apartment.  things we have to be careful about so that he wouldn't have to lie to his kids.  stuff that a normal person under normal situations would be like "get over it."  but Brandon keeps a smile on his face because i am here and he wants to make things work for the next month and a half.  how he does it is beyond me.  don't get me wrong, i love my family, i just find it difficult to deal with at times, but it is his apartment so it is his rules.

we are currently living with a religious family member of mine.  he goes to church every now and then.  not completely devoted to his faith, but enough that he can say he is religious....i think.  i don't know how all that works.  we all have our beliefs and i understand that and i don't and won't judge anyone by it.  his kids were here for the weekend and Brandon was in a robe and shorts, we were informed that he shouldn't be dressed like this in front of a 12 and 14 year old (ages approx.) because to them he doesn't live here.  their dad doesn't want them to know he is my boyfriend, though the kids already called him out on it.  his stuff is here, his food is here, his bike is here.  it's not like they can't look around and see he is here.  it wasn't anything bad for them to see, it was just him comfortable around the house.  i nearly lost it.  i had almost had enough at this point.  to know everything we have seen and been told to this point is outrageously STUPID.  how loud we can talk, what we can say, what we can do, it's literally as i said, on egg shells half the time it seems.

Brandon of course, as i said, held his head high and walked away.  didn't change by no means, but just walked away like the bigger man he is.  to except me, is to except the person i choose to be with.  to except me is to except the man i'm with as family.  to disrespect the man i'm with is to disrespect me.  the struggles we face as a gay couple, i never thought we would face like this.  i never thought it would come from my own family when we live in a small midwestern town.  i don't think it's the gay thing that bothers my family member so much, as the fact that it is going on in the house.  he thought he was ok with the fact that i'm gay and i have my boyfriend with me, but when slapped with it in his face, i think his religion and beliefs are really tested.  it's not something i planned to happen, yet he did know what was coming when he agreed to this.

to except family is to except the choices they make.  to except who they bring into their life good or bad.  it's up to you how you react to the situation.  i have always said family is important to me.  family is who is there for you in the end.  never in a million years would i turn my back on family, but then again never in a million years would i put my family in a situation they are uncomfortable with, especially in a situation where they have no choice but to except what you say and do.  Brandon and i are in that situation.  for the next six weeks i am stuck.  other than going to work i have no place to go and nothing i can do about it.  i am stuck here in the apartment.  don't get me wrong i am ok with that, but i am not ok with the fact that my boyfriend is being treated the way he is.

as a gay couple we will have struggles with society all the time.  it's something we know and it's something we except.  we refuse to bow down to the communities and be who society thinks we should be.  we didn't choose to go threw this hell, as many of you may think (then again name someone who would choose this).  as a gay couple we take on the stress of every day life because we love each other.  we stand strong together taking on the world knowing that with each other we can get threw it all.  we have gotten threw what we have so far, we can withstand it all.

as a couple, gay or straight, life is never easy.  you will always have those that look down on you for any reason.  as a couple you have to realize you will need to depend on each other to see you through the hard times.  it's how you react to them when they are presented to you that mean the most.  its how you react to the moment that will depend on how strong your relationship is.  to be able to stand strong against it all, you need to believe in what you two have.  you need to believe that no matter what, in the end, you still have each other and that you want to have each other.  even the slightest down will put a weak spot in what you have.  there is no doubt in my mind how i feel about Brandon, and from what he has shown me, there seems to be none in his.

we take on each challenge head strong, though his seems to be stronger than mine at this time.  we realize that life will never be easy for us, but we also realize that in the end, it's these moments that will make me strong for him when he is at his weakest.  as a couple you need to be prepared to take on the unexpected.  you need to be able to say i am to weak to handle this, please hold me up.  as a couple you need to be able to depend on each other, because at the end of the day, that's all your relationship has.  as a couple you have the ability to take the world by the neck and show it that no matter what it want's to throw at you, no matter the stress, and arguments, and fights, you are able to say you are mine and you have shown me one more time that is true.

as a couple we battle every day life, we battle family issues, we battle relationship issues.  on top of all of that, as a couple we battle the struggles of living a life as a gay couple in a society that still partially shuns us for who we are.  and if that is not enough, as a couple we battle the stress of his cystic fibrosis and diabetes and everything that comes with those.  at the end of the day, at the end of it all, the most important thing is we do it as a couple, because we know going at it alone would be far harder than it is doing it together.

We Never Know Our Impact

once again, we have lost another to the hateful Cystic Fibrosis disease.  as i sit here right now brainstorming on where to go with the newest blog, i came across something she wrote.  it has really hit me to know just how selfish some people can be, but yet how selfless others are to ones needs.

up until about December of last year, i can honestly say i was a sick and dark person.  i wouldn't say sick in a bad way, but in a way that i was very very selfless.  i didn't care who i hurt along the way, i didn't care who i used to get what i needed, just as long as i got to the spot in life i wanted to be in.  trust me it was a very dark path.  i was lucky enough to meet some amazing people along the way, but i never really understood it for what it was meant to be.  rather i grabbed them, soaked up all i could, and tossed each one of them aside as soon as i got what i wanted out of them.

i won't lie when i say it was a very dark and lonely path, but at the time you are on it, you don't see it.  everyone is around you because you have everything they want.  you don't realize that everyone is using you like you were using them.  to you, life is one big party, and party i did.  and its crazy how one little incident can send someone down that dark path....a story i promised i would never tell, but something that must be told....

about four years ago i was with a guy.  a guy no one knew about because he wasn't out, and at the time had no intention of coming out.  it was a hard relationship to be in, having to keep everything about us secret, but behind closed doors he was amazing.  at that time, i thought i knew what love was.  he knew exactly what i meant when i said the little things mean the most in life.  after a double shift at work he would be at my apartment with a tub of hot water waiting for me so i can just sit and relax.  he would have the apartment cleaned for me so i wouldn't have to worry about it on my days off.  he would have a single rose delivered to me at work, just because he was thinking about me.  it was all the little things he could do without letting it out that he was gay.  in reality it was him who taught me that the little things in life mean the most.

the hardest part for me was when we were out with his friends.  he would be this big macho straight guy with all his buddies, but every now and then he would glance over at me in that special way out of the corner of his eye and send off a little wink.  it was our way when we were out he would say i love you.  its things like that which made all the hell we went through worth it.  knowing we had our own little middle school way to hide what we were.

i went on with the relationship as long as he could.  he told me that he really had no intention of coming out and that he was sorry, but he couldn't.  his family was completely against the gay life and he was afraid if he ever came out they would leave him, and it was not a chance he was going to take.  i completely understood.  i have always preached that is something that someone needs to decide and do on their own.  no one should ever force someone when or how to come out to anyone.  that is a choice we make on our own in our own time.  i won't lie when i say life with him was hard, but when you care for someone you honor their wishes, so i fought on.  i kept everything about us a secret, to everyone.  it wasn't until i met Brandon that anyone ever found out about him.

one night it just got to be to much.  he was at home and i got a text from him.  its one of those texts you never forget.....

"i love you Tim.  i hope you know just how much you mean to me.  you have been a strong and amazing man and i am sorry for everything i have put you threw.  you have done so much for me and kept us quiet just like i asked, and yet i don't feel like i have done anything for you.  please don't ever change.  you deserve only the best and a guy who will treat you just as great as you treat them.  please promise me that no matter what happens, we will always stay a secret.  it would devastate my mom if she ever found out."

reading that i figured he was just drunk and emotional for some reason so i of course laughed it off and said i loved him as well and that our secret is safe with me.  i asked if he wanted company and he said no he just needed some time alone.  so i told him i would see him in the morning.  the next morning i kept texting and calling.  it wasn't like him to sleep in to late because he always liked to hit the gym early.  he loved to be there and just go when few people were there.  when i got no response by 9 am i got worried so i went over to his apartment.  upon opening the door i found him laying there in the middle of the living room floor with a bottle of pills laying next to him.  he had OD'ed.  my heart fell.  i of course rushed over to him and with no response called 911.  sitting there next to him, i lost it.  it was one of the hardest things i have ever dealt with.  the worst part was i had to deal with it alone.  i had made a promise to never let our story out because it was what was best for him.

the next four years was a blur.  i would spend thousands of dollars on partying.  i lived alone at the time so no one really knew what was going on.  i would play it off when people would ask but it was bad.  it was a dark place for me.  people knew i was partying and drinking and people figured it was all a good time, but deep down i was bottling up a horrible loss i didn't know how to deal with.  so i drank, and i drank a lot.  i had a job making great money so why not use it to bury all the pain?

then Brandon came along.  at this point in my life i was really at my lowest.  people didn't really see it because i masked it with the movie i was making and a ton of happiness.  i had just moved to omaha and was using a friend of mine to "get back on my feet."  just one more person i used and tossed under the bus.  i was at the bars constantly.  i was drinking and just loosing it all the time.  i blamed it on one reason or the next never really letting out what was wrong.  i was drinking hard.  i had been smoking pot for almost two years at that point, but Brandon had become my savior.

we had started talking and we talked a lot, all the time actually.  we grew close and i began to feel i could trust him.  something i hadn't felt in a long time.  one way early morning, something i was used to doing since i was with Wade, we were texting.  i was laying on my bed and the conversation was pretty basic really, i just told him about my guy.  i told him everything.  i sent text after text after text about him for about an hour and a half and Brandon just listened....well read.  he would ask questions here and there, but mainly just let me go.  i don't know why i told him, even to this day, but i did.

as we grew closer the story kept coming up because Brandon had questions about him.  i didn't mind, i am an open book as long as you ask the questions, and he told me that once i start moving in with him and Bil, those times of my life were over.  he didn't want me drinking or smoking due to the situation i was in.  i was ok with that.  March 9, 2013 was the day i took the off ramp off the dark freeway i was headed down.

today i have been clean of everything.  today i am on a path i haven't been on since before i met my friend.  today i can honestly say i feel better than ever before.  its crazy how something so small as a conversation can make such an amazing impact on our lives.

as we go threw our day and as as we run into everyone, we don't understand just how big of an impact we have on the people's lives around us.  we don't understand how something small as a few words can turn someone's life inside out.  sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.  it's up to us to realize what we do for someone.  it's up to us to realize that we can have a positive impact on someone's life if we really want to.

reading Alexandria's post that was on my Facebook from a friend today made me realize how little we do for someone can do so much for them.  lending a quiet ear to give them a chance to vent, something as simple as a hug when they are down, or a text saying i love you, can do so much for someone.  we all try to do so much by go so overboard that we forget that those are the things we want the least.  we forget that those are the things that will tear us away from those who need us the most.  going overboard is greatful at first, but in the end those who we think we are helping, just look at us as someone who doesn't really care.  to sit next to them, to be there when they call at 3 in the morning, or to run over for a hug when we can shows so much more.

the impact we have on one's life is up to us.  how we go about it is something we need to take into consideration.  taking your best friend for a blizzard on their birthday is better than buying them a new outfit.  taking your daughter to the park and pushing her on the swing can mean more to her in her teen years than taking her to an amusement park.  don't get me wrong, those close to us remember all of that, but when you sit back and think, what were the biggest impacts of your life?  sure the films, and the rides, and the shopping was great, but what about the conversations during long car rides, what about the trips to the beach, what about mother and daughter doing each other's nails while you talk about boys?  sit back and think, if you were to pick the top 3 best moments of your life with those close to you...how much money did you spend to create those major impacts in your life?  remember, its the time you spend together that impact you more than the times at the store.

Moving Forward

Recently we attempted to move the blog to its own website.  Thought the move was new and still very young, we have taken it down to focus more on where the traffic was really headed and easier to watch.  I was happy with the start of the site, though the movement from one to the other was slow.  It was hard to see the number not where they were here.

On the site we were averaging about 34 views a day where here our average was 75 a day since we started.  Due to the attempted move, those numbers have dropped.  It was hard to see everything here on a more global scale, views from places such as the U.K, Finland, Australia, Russia and so many others.  On the site we didn't get to see those stats.  I would def like to say thanks to those who have viewed us all over the globe.

Before anyone says anything negative, I would like to take this time to say we know the site wasn't given ample time to become what it could have, but to many there were personal issues that were addressed to us, which I want to make many of those issues clear here today so that the blog can move forward to do what it was intended.  We feel that our time would be best used if it was focused here for now with a new possible site in the future.  This is not our goodbye to the site, but a see you in the future kind of thing.

Today I intend to explain what this blog was intended for and some of the concerns that have been brought to my attention about.  Before going any further I would like to point out that this current blog IS NOT intended to be a personal attack on anyone, and all information in this blog was ran past Brandon before it was publicized.  Again this is not intended to be a personal attack on anyone, just a little more inside into the blog to clear up a few points, or concerns, that were brought to my attention.

One of the biggest concerns is the name of the blog, Endless Struggle.  This was not the original name of the blog.  The original name was Breathe Easy, But due to some issues that arose after the first blog was posted, Brandon and I had intended to go our own way and I had come up with this one.  Yes I will agree that the name Breathe Easy was a better name, but that was before the blog grew to be what it is today.  Endless Struggle is not, nor was it ever intended, to be a negative name.  And honestly to those who view it as such, I feel sorry for you.  To not be able to look past the name and see more than its negative connotation, in my opinion shows ignorance.  Life is not, nor will it ever be, easy...for anyone.  Life is and always will be on on going, endless struggle.

The blog was originally intended for people with cystic fibrosis and those close to them.  We wanted to show everyone that though life was hard and got you down, there is always a light at the end and that those who love you will always stick by you.  We then started to blog on this account and realized that we can do so much more and help so many more if we expanded our reach and hit more broad topics that not only focused on those with CF, but also those who are in similar situations, as many people can relate to everything we go through.  So the name, Endless Struggle, became a blog about LIFE's endless struggle.  And in my opinion, that is exactly what it has been about, dealing with life's struggles and how Brandon and I over come them in hopes our readers can find a way to relate our hard learned lessons to their lives.

In past blogs I have brought up Bil.  From what I am told new comers to our lives have been confused, though he has only been a brief passing in writing, as to who he is.  Not to be negative, and in past writings I never thought I was except in my personal opinions which I tried to state, but he is an ex boyfriend of mine and Brandon's.  Many issues that Brandon and I have had to over come were caused during our brief time with him.  He is a recent past of both of ours that has caused many problems for us.  Many of our life lessons are still being taught to us as we move on with our lives together at this time.  I would go further into detail about who he is, but that is a story that doesn't need to be told here at this time, not until Brandon and I see fit to tell it in the proper context as to not make anyone look bad, but yet keep the truth intact the way it should be.

I do want to say that this blog is not intended to be just my words.  I believe, and I don't speak for him, Brandon does intend to begin writing.  I am not sure if it will be here or not, but know that the words that are written are not his but mine.  I try and run all posts by him, as I was just informed that I have missed a few.  I try and get his ok before anything goes public, or to far in that editing is hard to do.  His opinion does matter and I try to get it as much as possible.  As with anyone, I only know what he tells me and as far as I know he has been ok with everything that has been said.  He is my boyfriend and I do respect his opinion on things.

 I would like to take the time to state, any issues with what is written or talked about should be brought to me since I am the one writing them.  As I have told brandon, he only knows what I write.  He doesn't know why I write what I do or the feelings behind what I say.  He can only give the insight to what I tell him.  That is why there is comments below the blogs, for your thought, questions or concerns.

Nothingnhere has ever been intended to be a direct attack on anyone today, just a way to clear up a couple concerns.  This blog was not intended to be a look at me, feel sorry for me kind of thing.  It was not intended to hurt anyone, but to help people find hope when they have none.  Many of you feel I have used Brandon's illness as a way to gain "celebrity" via the blog seeing as how fasting has grown in such a short time.  Everyone needs to know that we went into this together and I feel we are a part of this together.  We are a couple and all decisions are made together.  He does intend to blog, but when he feels the time is right.  That is not my decision to make, but his and his alone.

Despite what many think, I know the blog has done good and has helped many people as I get the comments from them quite often.  Through it many people have found hope to find a relationship like ours.  Many have found hope in finding someone who cares for them as I do for Brandon.  From this blog it has opened many people's eyes as to how their families have wanted to help them as they have pushed them away not wanting to be a burden.

I personally feel that the blog has done good and because of it I intended to move forward with it.  I intended to continue to help those looking for it as long as people continue to search for it.  The Facebook page continues to grow, and our followers continue to grow.  People continue to use it to see that life is not as bad as they feel and because of it they help others.  To make a change is hard, to help someone through the hard times is harder.  It only takes one to make a change and do something good.  It only takes one to show that life is not as hard as it seems and to show someone that theyare not alone and that someone does want to lend a helping hand.

Time Together

so many times i sit here and preach about the little things in life that people remember most.  or the time spent together and how important it is to any relationship be it family, a loved one, or even just a close friend.  i am a simple man with simple needs.  something that was hard for Brandon to grasp when we first met.  he was so used to the "upper class" life style that Bil thought he could give him, that he forgot just what it was like to live a simple, non materialistic kind of life.

when i first met Brandon i was in the process of making a movie.  something i really wish would have been able to get off the ground, but every time that almost happened something came up.  needless to say, after 4 years of trying i gave it up.  it was hard this last time around, ill be honest.  we had a killer script that was in the process of being revised for a final time.  it was a script about a love triangle with a major emphasis on bullying and its effects on a young child's mind as he grows up.

Brandon was a very "materialistic" kind of guy at that time.  not to say anything about him, but he was.  he came off on a very bad way.  this was all because of the 3.5 year long relationship he had with Bil.  he was used to basically getting whatever he wanted when he wanted.  he got stuff given to him all the time from Bil. then i come in the picture.  a man who doesn't like people spending money on me.  a man who would rather save the money than spend it.  it was very hard to show Brandon that i wasn't the kind of man his "husband," or whatever he was, was.  i was a very down to Earth, plain kind of guy.  i really do like the small simple things in life.  my most fond memories come from times i spent with nothing.  i had nothing and i needed nothing to be happy.  i never needed a fancy dinner when i could go take a blanket with a basket of sandwiches and sit under the stars in the middle of no where.

over time Brandon began to see my way of thinking.  many days we would spend laying on the couch while Bil was at work and would just talk.  (don't think of that in a negative way, there was a reason we did this and that is for a whole nother blog.  it was nothing hidden from Bil, it was a situation we were in which would later be what brought Brandon and i together).  as we would lay there during the day, or sit on the couch watching the news sipping our coffee, he slowly began to realize that you didn't need to spend money to be happy.  he realized you didn't need to go to high class places and drive hours away to have a good time.  he began to realize that the time spent together is worth so much more than the time spent together spending money.

over time Brandon began to want more of this and a lot less of the materialistic.  in his defense he tried and tried and tried to get Bil in on it and Bil would always shut him down.  Bil always saw it as a waste of time, not time spent together.  this is one of the things that slowly brought Brandon and i together.

last night was another one of those moments.  Brandon and i had an early morning and just wanted to relax before making dinner.  being on house arrest right now due to a stupid DUI i spend a lot of time just messing with stuff.  we laid down and cuddled.  one of the reasons i love doing this is because it is a major bonding experience for a couple.  i feel many relationships would be saved if given the chance to spend time like this together.  to lay down, or even sit next to each other and hold each other while the TV is off and the music is off, allows a couple to reconnect.  allows a couple to go back to what brought them together in the first place.

Brandon and i do this about 5-6 times a week.  we will lay on the bed and just talk.  not about problems, or concerns, or stress, but just talk about anything.  anything and everything.  we really do have a sick relationship when i think of some of the stuff we talk about, but that is what makes our relationship so fresh.  communication is such an important part of any relationship, that moments like this keeps that window open. it keeps the flow alive.  with communication comes the pillar of honesty and trust.  with all three of those strong any relationship can withstand any situation.

though laying in bed doesn't work with every relationship.  sitting with coffee, sitting at the couch, or one of my favorite places that i did with my mom would be on the porch, early in the morning with a cup of coffee as the sun rises.  there is nothing more calming or soothing then a nice conversation with your own mother or father listening to nature all around you having a heart to heart.

something people don't do these days is take the time out of their busy day to reconnect.  to rebuild that level of communication in a relationship.  the world has so many calming soothing moments that we let pass us by because we feel like we have to get everything done now.  these moments are the best moments for us to reconnect not only with ourselves, but those closest to us.  it is the one thing i love about Brandon and i's relationship, we are NEVER to busy to reconnect on a daily basis.  we spend our mornings over coffee usually talking at the table or watching the news while talking.

morning is the best time to talk.  the best moments to connect.  thoughts are fresh in your mind, the outside would stays there.  there is nothing to distract you from hearing what your loved ones have to say.  maybe this is the reason so many people connect in a coffee shop.  when you walk in doors, its as if the outside world never existed.  despite how many people are in there, it always seems to be the most calming places on earth.