Faith

There have been many times lately I have asked myself, "why do you even get out of bed in the morning?"  To say the last few months have been a rollercoaster is beyond an understatement at this point.  My trust in others has been shaken, my relationship has been more than tested, those who I thought were close to me have turned a blind eye on caring what is going on, and many who I never thought would step up to bat have taken the mound and hit a home run (yes I do know some sports lingo).  Sadly enough, at this point, what I felt I had strong and deep within me has slowly been chipped away to nearly nothing.

Everyone at some point must come to terms with their morality.  How you do it and how you get there is your own path and your own story.  We all must come to terms our own way.  Some sooner than others.  My time has long since happened, and for many years I held my faith strong and true.  Despite what people may see, it was something I held on to just never talked about, that is my relationship to have and not something that must be shared, though others feel differently.  I have always believed I am here to do something, I just don't know what.  After a serious car accident I was in I ask myself many times why I am here.  Recently that faith has been taken away, one spiritual brick at a time, to the point I am not sure what is left.  

About a month and a half or so ago, I posted a blog titles something like "Is there a God ". At that point Brandon and I had just moved into our apartment in Lincoln and as we literally carried out last arm full of stuff up to the third floor, I got the call that my probation transfer to Nebraska was not excepted and that I ha a week to get home.. The Hell we had been through to that point was already unreal and to add this to it was a slap in the face.  Hadn't we already been through enough to this point?  We were forced to not only decide what to do with Brandon, but also where to go with our relationship.  As always Brandon stood tall and strong and refused to let me walk away, which I thought was best for him.  

As time goes forward it has been one road block away from happiness after another.  Yesterday we get one more as we find out there are many things that could be standing in our way from moving out to a farm we want to go to.  I know many are thinking to just go to another place, well as always life isn't that simple.  The farm is great, quiet and piece full, but it wasn't meant just for us.  We have friends and family in need of help, so the good people we are, we want to open the doors to help where we can.  Something any good faith believing person should do.  We put others before us.

Any other couple would have just pushed it aside and moved on, not us.  These people were there when we needed them so we want to be there for them.  All we asked was just a short amount of time to get ourselves together, which all were ok with.  Of course, as is with our relationship, a block is put before us.  There has been one issue over another with us going there.  One rule after another.  I ask myself, "how much can one relationship take before the stress and road locks become to much?"

Today I sit here as the sun rises, the birds chirp, and people go boundlessly in their day.  Today I wake up wondering what problems come before us to put another stop in moving forward together.  Today I wonder, is this the day it all crashes down?  To say I have faith in anything anymore is a joke.  My faith has been broken I Ed the last few months.  We have hardly had time to each other, yet we still put. Others first, something I always thought was the right thing to do.  Each time we try something comes a long to put a stop to it.  Are we not supposed to help?  Are we supposed to be selfish and make them fix it themselves?  That's not who I am not is it who he is.  

Today we stand strong with each other as always, refusing to allow life to tear us apart.  Today he stands tall with faith someone or something will see us through.  Today I stand next to Brandon a broken faithless man.  A man whose foundation that was built over many years of confusion and wonder, yet with a promise it will all work out, broken and crumbled.  Today I feel half a man.  As I watch the world turn around me, I wonder, how does someone's faith in life and what's right and wrong be returned when it has all been taken away?

Ambition

Most of us are not gifted with the ability to have or do what we want in our lives.  Many of us must work hard and save for the little enjoyments life offers.  A nice vacation, a new car, or something as simple as a nice fancy dinner at a very elegant restaurant.

Personally I am one of these people.  I work my tail off each and every day to give myself the life I have.  Until the last few months I never had to worry about anything.  I had a great job making an amazing amount of money in a short amount of time, and I blew it all away.  It's moments like this depression sets in and you realize just how much of life I took for granted.

People today truly depress me.  As I sit here on house arrest, one of the causes of my ability to blow through money, I get to see people as they truly are.  How people take the gifts and abilities given to them for granted.

Take my sister for one, she has so much potential to be anywhere she wants to be in life, one of the smartest people I know, yet she squanders it away worrying about other people's families.  She has an amazing eye for photography, yet does nothing with it (mine and Brandon's pics were just a quick shoot she threw together).

Each day I feel like I live life like my sister.  I live it knowing there is so much more out there for me, yet I am not living up to my potential.  For the last few years I have been so hell bent on a life in entertainment.  Not to be rich or famous because that was never my intention, but to live a life doing what I enjoy.  I love to entertain, to make people forget about their worries and life for even just a moment, and see there is a little ray of sunshine in their cloudy day.  Not all of us are gifted with the ability to have a bright sunshiny day each day.

Today I sat at home, alone, on my day off and just thought about life and the direction Brandon and I as headed.  The boy has an amazing gift he is willing to use when the opportunity arises, yet I am a server at a nobody style restaurant making minimum wage at best.  It's very depressing to say the least.  That's when that feeling hits me, that moment when something comes over you and you realize your better than this.  Your meant for something greater, something amazing.  That's when I'm forced to ask what my dare to be great moment is.  What is it that I am meant to do with my life?

Everyone is meant for something great.  Everyone is meant to be extraordinary.  Everyone is meant to change the world in some fashion, it's if we have the guts to put envy thing aside and go for it.  To put aside all fears and doubts and remember, everything works out in the end.

My fear is gone.  Today is the day that I step into the light knowing I have the greatest support system by my side, amazing friends who want to be apart of something out of this world.  Today is the day that I decide, it's my turn to make an impact.  It's my turn to take everyone with me and show that its never to late to follow your dreams and follow your heart.

As I have said before, it only takes one person to make a change.  It only takes that first step to reach for the stars.  Ambition has only the limits you set before it, it's when you decide to hit that wall running, swing that sledge hammer as hard as you can.  Tear it down, brick by brick.  Everyone has unlimited potential to do amazing things, but we are our only road block.  We are the ones who built that wall before us, we are the only ones who can tear it down.

Many of us don't realize the true support we have around us until the time is right.  Those who believe in us and our visions.  Those who support us are the ones we need by our side.  It's sad when you see how few in numbers that really is, but it will blow you away when you see that the sky is no longer your limit.  Inspiration is all around you, all you have to do is close your eyes, open your heart and your mind and your level of potential is only as limited as your desires.  Success, like death, doesn't wait for you to be ready.  How far you go all depends on how free you allow yourself to be when that moment arrives.

Never Stop Dreaming

A little over four years ago, a good buddy of mine and I were sitting inside a local bar, actually it's the one across the street from where Brandon and I are staying now.  Sitting at the bar we were just chillin and having a good time.  It was a calm night out, shortly after I had gotten done working on a television pilot that never got started.  It was a show about the Holocaust.  Sadly the show never got to film, but it was an amazing concept.

I have always been a fan of the entertainment world.  Not so much for the fame and fortune of it, but more for the creativity side.  To be able to take a concept stuck in your head and bring it to life, either on paper or on screen.  I have always considered myself a fairly creative person.  I have never really been one to let that side tame.  To have an imagination is to be forever young, once you let that creative side leave, what do  you really have left to offer?  In my opinion, you're about as dull as the guy sitting behind a desk.  This night was going to be the night to launch one of my biggest ideas.

My buddy Eric, the guy I was sitting with at the bar, and I have always had ideas.  Big ideas about where we wanted to go in life.  Never one to back down from a challenge, I have attempted them all.  Without success obviously, but hey at least I can say I tried, which is better than most.  Over the course of the night we were joking tossing around ideas about a new film idea.  An idea based on a character with a special need.  The character was going to be based off the set designer for the show I was working on.  It was going to become a very bloody Saw style horror/thriller.  It was one our biggest ideas to date.  

Over the span of four years, the film had been taken on and off the shelf so many times with hopes from one person or another of getting it made.  Finally after about two and half years, we shelved it for good, or so we thought.

Around October of 2012 I came across a special effects make up artist in Sioux City.  Around this time I had been secretly working on all forms of the film to get it made.  Everything from a book idea to a webshow (all of which I am still very interested in working on).  At the moment of our meeting I finally saw something promising in getting the film made.  We got together and really talked about it and the film took on a whole new route.  What was once a film based on a handicapped person had become a film about two gay men in a love triangle with a major emphasis on bullying and it's effects on a young child's mind as he develops into a man.

The film has finally be completely outlined and finished, well a rough draft at least.  Many people have loved the idea and other than getting no feedback from those involved in the creative process, I moved forward on getting it made.  Then came the house arrest and probation officer putting a final end to the film being made.  At the point of starting it up this last time, I had told myself this is the final shot.  At some point you have to realize that enough is enough and move on with life.

When this happened I was crushed.  To say I was crushed is really an understatement considering I had put so much time into getting it made this time.  I had profit sharing contracts and everything with many people, people who knew a lot of people, but wanted to see something start to come together.  Nothing ever happened.  It really brought me down to a level I haven't really gotten back up from.  I had worked so hard and put so many hours into getting these people on board.  I had a composer, make up artists, hair and costume people.  I had almost a full crew and the majority of my cast on board when it was all put to an end.  I was even to the point of having distributors waiting for a first shot look.

The call to come back to the Sioux City area was a killer.  It put me into a deep depression I never really told anyone about.  The plus side, I was in the middle so much other stress I guess I really put it on the back burner until recently.

As I have said I am a big fan of entertainment of all kinds.  I have went so far as to do drag just to entertain.  I am a big follower of a lot of major Hollywood sites on Facebook and recently with the new Summer films coming out and the end of a lot of shows this season and even bigger shows starting the new seasons, a lot of sites are putting up a lot of behind the scenes photos, videos and even trailer for everything. It has brought back the memory of what I had worked so hard on.  Many sleepless nights were spent on this film.

Though I have given up, it takes a lot of me not to pursue it again. When I get emails from cast and crew still interested, I drop.  I mask it with the stress of everything going on here and the mental promise to myself to still do fun videos as soon as the house arrest is over.

I understand this is a long story, and many are wondering where I am going with it.  Well I guess the most I can come out of with this is first inspiration comes from the most awkward places.  The most unexpected moments will bring out the best in us.  Who would have known that a night of being upset and deep conversation would have created a blog that has gone global so quickly bringing about over 100-200+ page views a day?  Who would have known that a writer would have come out of this?  But most of all, I never knew I would have inspired so many people that when there are talks of taking it down due to outside forces, people would come to me asking me not to stop writing, that what I write has made them a better person and helps bring a smile to their face each day.

But most of all I want everyone to know, never give up on your dreams.  Never stop pursuing something you love.  Never allow someone or something to tell you you can't do something.  I think this is why I have the desire so bad to continue the film when all is said and done.  I have given up though, and it was the hardest thing to do.  I have someone in my life that is more important to me then the amount of time the film will need focus on.  I have chosen to put him first and I am happy with it.  There are other avenues for creativity, even for the film.

Never allow yourself to stop dreaming.  I dream outrageous dreams that will never come true, but I allow myself to follow them and pursue them because without a dream, what do you have left?  What reason do you have to wake up each morning?  Without a dream, without creativity, you are just another corporate drone sitting behind a desk, doing what you are told to do.  With no ambition to better yourself, and no ambition to reach your true potential.  We all have the potential to be great, it's just where and how we go about it is up to us.  How far we want to take that potential is as high as the sky.

I have never dreamt of a life of fame and fortune, only to be able to survive doing what I love.  I love to be creative.  I love to see what's in my head come to life.  I have always said, if I could make $2,000 a month (take home) making films and videos and putting them on YouTube, I would be more than happy.  I don't need millions, nor do I want it.  I want to live comfortably, I want to inspire others to do better.  I want to be the one that someone says, "Tim helped me become what I am today.  Tim helped me realize that I was better than a minimum wage employee.  I did this because he has shown me that I am better than that."  Yes call me selfish, but knowing at the end of the day, I helped one person, I changed one life, it makes my life worth while.  Do I have dreams of being a film maker, yes, but not anything big.  Most of all, I have a new dream.  I dream to inspire others to see that they are better than what they allow themselves to be.  That their potential is higher than the roof they live under.  That the sky isn't the limit.  Your limit is only has high as your imagination will let it be.

*The last official meeting for the film at La Fiesta.

Brandon's First Blog

For everyone that has been waiting for me (Brandon) to write here I am. Sorry it has taken me away. I have been through a lot the last two months as I'm sure most of you know. Let's see where should I begin...

I was born with Cystic Fibrosis and my doctors found it when I was 6 weeks old. So as a baby I was very sick. At the time my birth mom and dad aren't able to take care of me nor did they have a car to drive me two hours away each time I needed a doctor. They tried there hardest but at the end they knew it was best for me to go into a better home so I could get better care. So at the age of two I was adopted. My adopted family has taken great care of me since than. I love them and I couldn't have ask for a better loving and caring family. My family didn't even know what Cystic Fibrosis(CF) was but yet they opened me with open arms. My mom was the best. She took great care of me. Don't take this wrong my dad was great as well. He was the one working and providing for the family everyday. I would wake up sick at 2AM and walk into my parents bedroom and tell them.  My mom would pack and be ready within 30 mins. We would then drive two hours to the hospital and in most causes I would be admitted for a week or two with mom never leaving me until I turned 18 years old. Even than she didn't want to leave me but I told her there was never needs for her to stay. She would still come stay with me on the weekend cuz hospital are dead on weekends.  I had great nurses and doctors. Some of witch are still great friends of mine. Oh before I forget. I was born and raised in SE Kansas in a small town of 9k and went two hours away to Kansas City, Ks to KU Medical Center. The hospital I went to for over 20 years.

When I hit about the age of 14 I was getting sicker and sicker. I was doing breathing treatments, 45 pills a day, in and out of the hospital. Around the age of 16 I wasn't eating as much as the doctors wanted so I ended up getting a feeding tube. They wanted me having around 6,000 calories a day. So with the feeding tube I was getting 2,000 during the night. From there around the age of 18/19 I was on 24 hours a day oxygen, doing feeding tube, 2 hours of breathing treatments, in the hospital more than I was out and my energy level was very weak. I would wake up some morning to take a shower and once I got out I would be back in bed for most of the day.

So I knew I was getting bad. So my mom and I drove to St. Louis to see about a double lung transplant. I'm not going to go into details on all of it but long story short St. Louis called and said they would list me. So I started raising money to help with the living cost and everything for me to stay in St. Louis. Three months after raising money mom and I moved there and I was listed. We met some of the greatest people while waiting for the call for new lungs. Thoughts people become family. After waiting about 3 1/2 months I started to get very sick. I was put into the hospital and they had to put me on life support. I was out for a week since they had the tube in my mouth. After a week they had to take it out and put in a trek through the neck. In that month and a half I learned to talk and eat around it. I was also walking the hallways. The nurses there told me I was the first one to do that in over 6 years there.

I won't go into a lot of detail in this post but I am a fighter. I don't and won't just give up in life. Life is to short for that. I live everyday like there is no tomorrow. I'm sure you're wondering how do I do it? My mom always told me you're going to be ok. We're going to get through this together. (as she would be holding my hand). But my thought was "ya" I might have it bad but there's someone else out there that has it worst than me and I was still happy I was alive. Like I said you have to be happy for everyday you have on this earth. "You never know what tomorrow could bring" And I also think that everything happens for a reason.
So after being on life support for 3 weeks (I think) we go a call they FOUND LUNGS. I was in tears, Mom was calling everyone she could as she was also in tears. tears of joy. Tears of her knowing her baby boy was going to be ok. The wait was over. They got me down to the OR. I signed a few things and than a doctor walked in. It wasn't going to be good. I could see it in his face. He said the lungs aren't any good. So mom and I was crushed. They moved me back up to my room. It wasn't long after that it was my birthday. March 9th. I was turning the BIG 21. In the hospital isn't the best place for birthdays, Christmas and other Holiday's. But let me tell you I had A LOT of them in hospitals. The nurses always tired there hardest to make it the best but still who ever wants to be in a hospital and let alone on holidays? But anyways on my 21st birthday I had friends decorate my room in a poker Theme. It made me smile. Knowing I had friend like that. So that night a few nurses come in and sing happy birthday to me and then gave me a beer. I'm sure none of you can say you been on life support, in the hospital and had nurses bring you beer on your birthday. haha. It was cool and it made my day. You have to look at everything positive.

March 18th 2010 came. The day after St. Patrick's day. We got the call at 4 AM they had found a match. This time it was different. Mom and I just called a hand full of people and we stayed calm. The doctors finely come in and said its a go. The lungs looked great and they're going to fit and work just fine. I want to say it was a six hour surgery. I came out of it great. The next day they had me up and walking. I was breathing on my own. It was the greatest but also the oddest feeling ever. I never knew what it was like or how it felt to breathe like a normal person. I had to learn how to just let my body do the work itself. I also had to learn how to re-cough, sneeze and do deep breathing. I felt like I was just in a dream. It was a dream that came true. Growing up I never knew I would be this health at the age of 24. Doctors didn't know a lot about CF when I was young. They didn't think I would make it past 5,16, 18 and so on. I thought I would have had to live at home all my life. The new lungs are my life. Without them I would not still be here today. It funny how many people think they have it so hard and then they hear my story and think different. But that makes me happy. I love helping other people. I have people with CF that come to me all the time and ask how I live an everyday life. First of all I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I feel like CF has made me the strong person I am today. I don't let very many things pull me down. I try to think and stay positive as I can. What do you get out of someone feeling sorry for you? Attention? I don't understand why people live an everyday life trying to find attention for themselves. After awhile you're going to stay feeling bad or/and get depressed because you're no longer getting it. I mean don't get me wrong everyone needs a little attention but to try to causes it your only going to start making yourself look bad.

Just hours after Transplant

Since the transplant 3 years ago I have been doing great. No more oxygen, feeding tube, breathing treatments or hospital stays. I do have diabetes and still have to take pills for after care transplant and the CF. I take about 45 pills a day and do shots for my diabetes. That to me is a walk in the park.

I also found out who my donor was and where his laid to rest. His name is Jacob and he is my Hero. He passed away at the age of 16. It's sad he lost his life but yet I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. Jacob was needed somewhere else. I feel like I'm here to spreed words. I have people come to me for help. I also try to be strong as I can. I'm thankful for everyday. I take care of myself the best I can.

I'll go into more detail about everything later on. I just wanted you to know a little bit about me and I didn't want to over whelm everyone at first. Another thing. I'm not good at spelling or writing. My last year of school was in 9th grade. I went 49 days (some of those being half days) out of 160 days. I was always sick or in the hospital. I think it was the stress of going to school as well. I started travailing after dropping out of school do to my health. I'll get into that at a later time as well.

 As I tell most people after writing them. "Breathe Easy". I never knew what it was like to "Breathe Easy" before my transplant. Try taking two cotton balls and putting them up your nose and that's what it felt like before the transplant. Thanks for taking your time and reading this. It means a lot to Tim and I. I know this blog was a lot but now you know a little more about me hopefully. Breathe Easy Everyone :-)

This blog is for Tim and I to vest, tell our stories,  help others and to do whatever Tim and I feel like doing. If you don't like what you see or you're going to judge us than don't read it. Nobody tells anyone they have to read it. Love us Hate us this is who we are and this is our story.

Weight Loss Support

Things change as time goes on, this is something that we all know and we all except, either consciously or subconsciously.  Our children grow and move out, we age and our body does things we don't want it to.  With the role models our children have today, outward physical appearance plays a big role in our every day life.  I am not saying that before it never did, but today it has a bigger impact than ever before.

Girls today are told that celebrities are the way to look.  With female celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Angelina Jolie, girls see these women as getting thinner and thinner.  With the Victoria Secret special each year presented on television, our young ladies are bombarded everyday with the idea that they need to be super thin to be sexy.  

As our parents were growing up, today's average was yester-year's sexy.  Having a little meat on the bones or an extra curve was ok.  Their role models were women such as Marilyn Monroe, someone who still demands respect from today's entertainment world.  

Today you see weight loss fad after weight loss fad after weight loss fad being advertised or flooding our Facebook walls.  Everyone jumping on the next big thing by either taking it and ranting and raving about how great you feel the first couple days.  Or someone who sees how great they feel the first week so they start flooding their Facebook selling the product themselves.  Then all of a sudden its gone.  Disappears as though nothing was ever different.

One of the recent fads was the Body by Vi.  As I talked to people about it (at the time I was able to run all the time and I can't wait to start up again) all I could do was laugh.  I saw people giving it to their seven year old children, I saw people using it to help cure ADD, I even saw people believing it was helping them with their diabetes.  I am not saying it didn't do any of that because I am not in the medical field, but by the time I was over it, I swear this weight loss supplement was the answer to everything except AIDS and old age.  I seriously heard it all.  After about a week or so I had enough, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.  I wanted to know why this miracle weight loss stuff wasn't on the market sooner if it was the answer to everything.  Funny thing, Body by Vi was just that, a weight loss supplement.  

Now the reason I preach about it, is because I have a serious issue with my weight.  I am utterly obsessed with my weight.  I have taken almost every single weight loss fad out there.  I have done it all in hopes to cure my obsession and to be where I wanted.  In the end, they were all a joke.  A weight loss supplement is used to cure your cravings until you are able to eat your next meal.  It is to take place of a meal if you can't eat.  A supplement is a meal supplement, not to be taken in place of a meal.  Weight plans that require you to take a pill or anything like that is nothing but a mind altering drug.  Designed to make you THINK you're not hungry.  Over time when you don't take in the proper calories and fat you need to survive each day, your body goes into starvation mode, which is what these weight loss plans are designed to do.  Your body thinks it isn't hungry so you don't eat.  As you take in less and less calories, your body starts to store all the food you eat as fat, which in the end, when you stop taking these supplements, your body continues to do and over time you are heavier than you planned.

When I came out, I was bombarded with more weight insecurities then I had originally had.  The gay community is very big on outward appearances.  You have to look a certain way, you have to dress a certain way, you have to part your hair a certain way (ok that last one isn't true, but I am honestly surprised).  You have to be practically perfect to even get noticed.  I was heavy at that time, nearly 180 pounds.  I started to binge and purge.  6 months I wouldn't eat hardly anything, had just enough to say I could survive, and then 6 months of just eating everything I could.  I did this for years.  Then I started to do some minor modeling in Lincoln which caused even more insecurities in my weight.  Add the constant need to be thin on top of the constant need to be perfect and you have a total mind "eff."  Then to top it all off I had some fairly good looking boyfriends, so I felt the need to look even better for them.  I was in a constant fear of not looking good enough.  This happened for years.  Then about a year or so ago, I couldn't handle my weight any longer.  

As I said, I have done almost every weight plan out there.  Pills, diets, mixes...I did it all.  When I was to this point I was about 200 pounds.  People see pictures and don't believe it, but being gay and needing to look good, I learned how to hide it well.  It was a fairly hot summer last year and I was working at the Hi-Lite in Le Mars.  It was a slow afternoon so I put my headphones in and I started walking.  I did lap after lap after lap every day.  No one would come in during the day so I would walk for hours.  After about two weeks I saw the weight shift a little bit.  So after my morning coffee I would walk to the golf course which was about 5 blocks from my house and I started to walk the 5k around the course on top of the walks in the bar.  Weight just kept dropping.  

Then I got myself a thin boyfriend.  Someone I was happy to take out and about and a new obsession kicked in.  I had to stay thin.  Rather than jumping on the current fad (Body by Vi), I did the logical thing, I hit the streets.  I started to run and I watched my portion sizes.  Yes yes yes I know it's a diet just like everything else, but it was the right one.  I munched on fruit, drank water, and I watched the AMOUNT of food I ate.  Not once have I ever denied myself anything except most fried foods and soda.  I still eat what I want when I want, I just watched how much.  And I started to run.  Everyday I would run. 

Everyone who I tell this to tells me the same thing, I can't run.  It's to exhausting.  My response to everyone has always been, everyone starts somewhere.  I started out running one block and walking two.  I was determined to get thin again.  I was gonna do it right.  As time went on and I did it everyday for a minimum of 30 mins a day, I got a mile, then two, then three.  By the time I moved to Omaha in December of last year I was up to 9 miles.  My next goal, 9 miles in 45 mins.  I was a running machine, and I started to love it.  I saw the results.  I was thin.  I was happy to have my shirt off, and boy did I show it off.  

Today I talk to people about how I lost my weight.  Am I still obsessed, of course.  I was "diagnosed," not officially, with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder).  Basically I see myself as fat no matter how thin I am.  Today I weigh about 140-150 depending on what I eat the day before and how active the house arrest will allow me to be, yet when I look at myself I see nothing but fat.  I know I am not, but mentally it is all I see.  It is a rare mental eating disorder.  I fit all the symptoms, but I won't get diagnosed.  My eating habits are healthy and as long as I don't have to buy new clothes I have it under control.  

I refuse to diet any other way then how I do it now.  My reasoning is because I do it in a healthy, though obsessive, way it is still healthy.  I don't deny myself anything except those two things, but I do it right.  I have had many friends come up to me and ask how I stay so thin and I tell them the exact same thing.  I run. No matter how busy I am I always run.  If you have time to spend in front of the computer or TV, you have time to spend 10 mins doing laps up and down a small flight of stairs as much as you can.  I then tell them if they want help I use two apps on my phone...MyFitnessPal and the Nike Running app.  I don't get obsessive when I put in my information, I eye ball everything.  As long as I don't get obsessive I feel great.  I keep my fat content and I keep my calories out of the red and I run everyday.  If I don't run I at least walk everyday.  I do something to keep somewhat active.  You do this and the body will take care of itself.  

These two apps have helped me with my obsession and my BDD.  I don't completely obsess, but I watch what I do.  I track everything this way I can, in a healthy manner, keep the BDD under control without medication.

Today's society is so bent on keeping thin, yet all we have time for is fast food.  Brandon and I hardly ever eat out.  We don't deny ourselves fast food, but we prefer a home cooked meal.  His body and health has gotten so much better since the sweets and grease has left the house for the most part.  We do have ice cream or cookies every now and then.  To help my metabolism I drink 16 oz of chocolate milk each day.  It's high in protein so it helps keep the muscles fresh and helps burn fat.  But I don't go over board.  I have always told people to add me to their MyFitnessPal accounts and to their Nike Running accounts. This way we can keep each other motivated, and I especially suggest everyone here to do it as well.  

It's funny how everything we are preached as a child for healthy bodies and eating, is actually what lost me my weight and made me look my best.  Exercise and a good balance of food.  It is seriously all it took.  I took out most fast food, I took out most fried food, and I took out soda.  Simple things that many of us live off of each day.  Switch it to healthy home cooked meals cooked with Pam and baked in the oven (I bake almost all my chicken and pork chops), and switch soda to water and you have a major weight loss right there.  Don't over eat and just have smaller portions more often and you will drop the pounds all in itself.  Top that off with 30 mins of walking or jogging and your waist line will drop.  (Below is a before and now photo to show you myself so you can see the results of doing what I did.)

Weight loss is a major issue with people today.  I can't stress enough how unhealthy it is to take those supplements the way people are.  It messes with your head and in time makes you look worse then you originally planned.  A healthy life is only as good as you allow it to be.  You shouldn't have to live your life denying yourself the food you enjoy, just enjoy it in a proper way.  Don't skip out on ice cream and pizza and a chocolate chip cookie.  Just don't go over board.  I give myself 2 fat days a month and I allow it on every holiday.  A fat day is a day where you eat whatever you want, whenever you want, how ever much you want with no second thoughts about anything.  Track it, but do it.  Eat it all.  Indulge.  Denying yourself is just as unhealthy because when you give into the cravings, you go overboard.  The fat days allow you to indulge because you have 28 days to work it all off.  Giving yourself one day and then back to the healthy stuff for 2 weeks, that one "fat day" won't hurt you the least bit.  

I encourage those who want help to talk, add the apps and add me.  You always need a support group to help you through the rough times.  I have helped many friends and they have found the results they needed.  And the best part is, I don't get paid for any of this, I just like to see people live a happy healthy life, something that took me 32 years to figure out.  Many people who are ill out there is caused my weight problems.  It's never to late to get yourself back on track and live a long happy life.  It's just up to you to take that first step.  And with a helping hand with a support group, that step is a lot easier to take.  Lets talk, lets help each other.  As with anything else, its up to you to take that fist step.  

*disclaimer - this is not meant to preach, but with all the health issues I see in the news, I figured I would give my little bit of advice on how I did it and leave it up to you to take what you want from it.

The Media

recently i read a news article about a woman who was shopping and she came out to a note on her car.  wrapped in side the note was not only $10 or $20, but $50 worth of cash for what i believed was a crack in her windshield, i may be wrong about this considering i don't fully remember the article from a few days ago, but that isn't really the point.  the note basically said, "i have been there before, i hope this helps out," or something a long those lines.  give me credit, i tried to remember.  the point i'm getting at was it was a complete stranger saw someone in a point of need and took it upon them self to help out, without any need or concern for repayment.

today we are so focused on ourselves and our own needs we seem to sometimes forget what our own family needs.  we are so focused on pushing ourselves ahead that we depend on others, and in many times the media, to raise our own children.  despite how negative that may sound, if you really think about it, it is true.  kids these days are brought up on the couch either watching television or playing video games.  we blame the media so many times on the negative impact it has on our children, yet we don't take the time to teach them right from wrong.  we don't take the time to teach them about sex at a proper age, yet we blame the schools for teaching it younger and younger.

today our media is attacked on a daily basis about its role in people's lives, yet those who blame the media refuse to acknowledge the cause of the negative impact.  video games seem to get rougher and rougher, with more blood and shooting, as Hollywood seems to get thinner and thinner.  our boys today see that violence is the answer to many problems because the games they are focused on become more and more violent.  our daughters gain disorders as people like Kim Kardashian and the likes seem to get thinner and thinner.

we sit at the table, or go to conferences, and complain and moan and groan that our society is getting worse and worse.  even today i go to work at the restaurant i work at, and listen to people complain about how the media is getting worse and worse and how it is rotting our younger generation to the core.  to be honest it takes a lot out of me to keep my mouth shut.  i have never been one to keep my opinions to myself, but at times i have to, this is one of those times.  when i hear this i want to pull up a chair and ask, "what is it you do all day?  when was the last time you sat down and played a board game and actually spent quality time with your child?"  i don't do this because i know i will loose my job seeing as people take their parenting skills as a direct attack on them, as they should.

parents today refuse to take responsibility for the way their child is raised.  know one sends a direct paycheck to the media for babysitting their child, yet we expect the media to raise them properly and teach them right from wrong.  who are we to blame the media when the media was never given the proper background check to make sure they are ok to raise a child?

i no way am i condoning the show "Honey Boo-Boo" or whatever it is.  in no way i am i condoning their way of life.  i am not one to judge as i don't like to be judged myself.  people, even myself, talked down on them because they are the poster family for "red-neck white trash."  (FYI I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A NEGATIVE WAY IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, I JUST CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER WAY TO PUT IT.)  to be completely honest though, i have to say, Hollywood did not in anyway take over their life. they still live like they did before, they still have their same values, the only negative thing i can say about that family (and you can't say you wouldn't do the same thing), they cashed in on their fame because they knew it wouldn't last long.

there is two positive things i can say about that family, 1) they are a true family.  from the episodes i have seen, they are what i talk about.  they spend time together, they love each other, they do things as a family.  2) the mother never cashed in financially in a negative way.  from the reports i have heard, she has stashed the money away for her daughter's schooling.  how many of us would have done that living in their situation?  i can probably say, very few of us would have been that responsible.

today the media has a negative impact on everything we say and do, and i will have future blogs talking about this, from fashion to physical appearance.  the sad part is, we all fall for all of it, but today we blame a lot of our children's behavior on the media rather than taking the responsibilities ourselves.  i know people who have raised their children on video games, yet are upset because that is all they do.  we blame the ever growing children having children problems on the media such as MTV and such, but yet we refuse to sit down and talk about the birds and the bees because it takes to much out of our time, and God forbid we take a moment to talk to our children.

this blog is probably one of the more negative ones i have written, yet i see so much negativity thrown around, yet we refuse to take responsibility for the negativity we have caused.  when i was growing up, we had shows such as Boy Meets World, Who's The Boss, The Wonder Years.  comedies that were directed towards family time such like today's Big Bang Theory, and.....sadly i can't think of to many family directed shows.  we are so negative with shows like Two And A Half Men, Teen Mom and stuff like that, things directed towards the younger crowd and less towards family.

we blame the media for shows that are directed towards teens, yet they are the ones watching them.  we blame the media for the negative shows, yet we refuse to sit down and watch them with them.  today the media knows there is less family time and more "we are the babysitter" so the direct TV towards the group watching it.  we can't blame the media for being a horrible babysitter, when we never did a back ground check on it to begin with.  i guess my question is, if you won't let someone into your home to watch your kids without a proper back ground check or references or asking someone about them, then why do you let the media (who is worse then the teenage girl you brought in) watch them for you?

*disclaimer - this was not meant as a negative attack on anyone

Dinners Together

Brandon and i have many things we do on a daily basis.  things we do to keep the relationship fresh and a live.  we have our moments each day where we shut out the outside world and focus on one another.  phones are put away, TV is off, and it's just us.  moments where we can focus on things we need to focus on as a couple.

each day Brandon and i make it a point to put everything away, sit on the couch, cuddle in the bed, sit at the table and we talk.  one thing about our relationship that everyone notices is that we have amazing 100% communication.  we talk, about everything.  there are no secrets between us which makes the rest of the relationship a breeze.  don't get me wrong, we still have our ups and downs, on almost a daily basis, but we know that all issues need to be talked about by the end of the day.  

one of my favorite things that we do, and i am almost positive it is one of his, is our dinners.  we make it a point each and every day to sit at the table together, phones away (unless we are waiting for some call from his doctor) and enjoy each others company.  it sounds odd to say that talking at dinner is one of my favorite things considering we spend a lot of time talking each and everyday, but the time at dinner is different.  we shut off the world and focus on just the two of us.  we talk about our day, we talk about things we have been discussing through out the day or past few days.  most importantly, its our time.  its a way for us to forget about stresses, fights, disagreements, or any negativity that is around us.

one thing i have noticed that is really over looked is that we never leave the dinner table with out a smile on our face.  we make the time to hold each others hand off and on, give each other a kiss, and most importantly, thank each other for what they did to prepare the meal.  it all seems simple and sappy, but at the same time it's all very important part of a relationship.  

as much as we can, we try and prepare dinner together.  if he is cooking i try and put together the sides.  even if it is just throwing the veggies in the microwave.  if he has all that done i try and set the table.  dinner is our time where we connect, and are just us.  

looking at it from an outside perspective it all seems so childish and so "fresh relationship," yet looking at it from that way point of view, i see it's what keeps our relationship fresh and alive.  we never prepare a meal without giving each other a kiss and saying i love you.  we never sit down at a meal without holding each others hand, leaning across and to give a kiss and say thank you for what you did.

today people forget about the importance of creating a simple meal together.  they forget about the bonding experience between two people, or better yet a family that something as simple as creating dinner together can do.  as you are in the kitchen preparing the food, setting the table, think about how you feel.  think about the emotions shared between you two.  nine times out of ten its smiles, laughter, and happiness.  a feeling many of us miss in our daily lives, but until seen through someone else's eyes, we don't really realize exactly what is missing.  

in our lives we make things so complicated.  we make something that should be so simple, so hard and so outrageous that we don't want to take the time to do it.  one thing i love about Brandon and i is that we are very simple and down to earth.  we understand you don't need a main course with 15 sides to make a meal.  something as simple as an open faced salisbury steak dinner with mashed potatoes is all a couple needs to pull them together. 

i would be sitting there making the mashed potatoes as he is mixing the gravy and he would lean over with a smile on his face and give me a kiss and tell me how much he loves me.  as he pulls the rest of the meal out of the oven i am setting the table.  he dishes everything out into the containers as i put the finishing touches on the table as he brings the food over.  we would sit down he would grab my hand and at the same time, not planned mind you, and we would say thank you for dinner as we lean in with a smile on our faces and give each other a kiss.  

something that seems so mushy and lovey-dovey to most, is one thing that keeps us alive and fresh in our relationship.  maybe it's because we have been through so much in such a short time that we don't over look the little things, but i feel its something that keeps a relationship, and even a family, alive and well.

time together is very important in any relationship.  be it family, loved ones, or even just friends.  doing the simple things in life such as preparing and eating dinner together at the table, are so much more important than going out to eat.  preparing and eating dinner together has the ability to bridge that gap between people. sitting down and enjoying something you prepared together with your own hands has a way to remind everyone involved that you can find enjoyment in something so simple. 

today we spend out times in front of electronics.  be it the phone, TV, or computer.  we don't spend the time to visit any more.  we don't spend the time getting to know each other.  people tell me that Brandon and i act as though we have been friends forever.  they ask how we can have a relationship like that in such a short time.  i feel its the simple times like this were all that happened.  we don't take the little things for granted, we relish in them.  we live for them each and every day.  the half our in the afternoon laying down on the bed together, phones put aside, where we focus on each other and issues we need to talk about.  we make sure each and every day we get our time together where the outside world is no longer a part of our lives.  where the stress and hassles no longer mean anything.  

as you sit here and read this i am sure many people have thought about the last time they sat down at the dinner table and ate as a family.  i am sure many people have sat here and thought about how much they miss that.  many of you are in the other room thinking about your table now full of papers and bills and trash.  things that it's not intended for.  today i want you to walk over there, clean it off, and prepare it for tonight.  i want you to go to the store, pull out some chicken and let it thaw.  tonight you are going to make dinner for your family.  tonight you are all going to put everything away and just rekindle that relationship you once had.  tonight you are going to build a bridge to bring you back together.  

i know many of you have loved ones in the hospital for one reason or another.  so rather than do that you are going to make dinner, pack up some silverware and plates.  you are going to go to the hospital room and set up your own dinner table there.  you are going to shut off the TV and enjoy each others company.  because when you set that home cooked meal in front of them, they will forget about the wires and tubes for just a moment and remember what it was like to be a family.  with today's world the way it is, you need this more than anything.  you need this time together more than your iPhone, more than CSI, more than Facebook.  you need to rekindle what you once had to remember just how important each of you are to each other.  when you're done make sure you leave with a smile.  make sure to say thank you to the ones who deserve it.  be sure to lean across the table through out the meal for that simple kiss and i love you.  it will go further and mean more than you will ever imagine.  and as you pull away with a smile on your face, embrace that feeling. embrace the happiness inside and don't ever let it go.  

The Refreshing Power of Rain

i am a huge advocate about the little things in life.  anyone who keeps up on the blogs knows that i don't fancy myself with the big things in life.  things such as shopping, going to see films all the time (i honestly don't remember what the last film i saw in theaters was, though i know my next is going to be the new Superman and Iron Man films when i get off house arrest), spending money on an array of video games, or even monthly subscriptions to things such as Warcraft.

i prefer the cheaper things in life.  going for walks or just sitting down with loved ones and friends playing card/board games.  don't get me wrong when it comes to Brandon i do splurge every now and then.  not on anything like a ton of clothes or anything expensive, but i will every now and then get him something small i know he has been wanting for awhile, or my favorite, showing up at the house with a small bouquet of flowers.  it's something we both can look at and enjoy while it sits on the counter or table.

this morning i woke up to the gentle pitter patter of rain drops gently falling outside.  it's 5 a.m. so in this small town the plus side to it is there is very little traffic outside.  to be honest, since i know it's happening, sitting here writing this really sucks because i would rather crawl back into bed with him, gently wrap my arms around him as he sleeps and just lay there and cuddle.  i'm a major cuddle bug, so any chance i have when a setting is like this, i like to cash in on it.

the rain is a great excuse for two people to cuddle.  i used to know this elderly couple, this was years ago, that were romantic to each other until their last days together.  when they would wake and it would be a gentle rain like this, they would sit on their porch under a blanket, he would wrap his arms around her, and they would sit there in silence as the rain gently fell.  they wouldn't say a word.  i asked them one day how they could sit there for hours and not say a word, mind you i was a lot younger than i am now when i said this.  the man just looked at me and said, "it's the time you spend together that matters most in a relationship. the things you do, not the things you say.  we have sat out there like that every time it has rained since we got married, because it rained on our first date."  he then looked over at her and grabbed her hand and looked back at me.  "we were supposed to go to the movies that night.  i showed up and she was all dressed up ready to go and there i was with a blanket wrapped around my arm."  a smile came across her face as she told me this story.  "i looked at her and said, 'let's just enjoy this for awhile.'"  that's when she looked at me and said, "from that moment on, each time it rains we sit on the porch like we did that night.  he would hold under the blanket and we would just sit there."  of course being a young kid at the time i asked what film they say and she looked down and said, "we never left the house."

as a couple the rain as this amazing ability to wash away all our troubles and all our worries.  all the stress that has built up until that point is washed away.  a gentle rain fall, for a couple, is like God's way of saying, "stay strong.  take this time to forget about everything and just reunite, even if only for a moment."

don't get me wrong, it's not just for couples either.  the rain can do the same for anyone single, couple, friends, or even sitting out doors with your pets.  last year when i had a porch at the house i was living in, i would sit outside with my little kitten Nalla and we would just sit out there for hours as the rain fell around us.  she could curl up on my lap or on my shoulders and fall asleep.  with a pet, sitting out doors at a moment like this, has a major bonding effect.  like in some magical way it takes the two of you, pet,loved one, friends, it doesn't matter, and brings you and them closer together spiritually.

though as a child you viewed a time like this as fun.  you would run around dancing, laughing and playing, looking for earth worms, all the while your mom is standing inside getting more and more angry cause she knew no matter what she said, you were going to come in and track mud in the house.  she didn't know where or how, she just new she was going to find it somewhere.  it's the time you spent together with them, the bonding experience you two or group had.  yeah you did stuff together all the time, at the park or at school, but think about it just for a moment.  think about how everything disappeared when you were out playing in the rain.  think about how there was no stress, no problems, no school, it was all there at the moment.  it was all then and nothing else mattered.

to me the rain is very therapeutic and i am almost sure everyone will agree.  it is why there are a lot of items on the market that mimic the sound of rain, yet nothing can quite pin it down like the actual rain can.  the sound of a gentle rain fall has the ability to make you forget everything around you.  like when you were a child, the rain makes you forget your worries, even for a moment.  as you sit there and listen to it fall around you, you get caught in the moment.  you get caught in the memories of your childhood when you would go find those earthworms.  watching them crawl up out of the ground and ever so slowly inch their way across the side walk.  it was one of the most mesmerizing things watching them slowly inch their way threw life.  yet you couldn't help but laugh and poke and then after a moment, you would crouch down (because even as a kid the earth worm has a way of making you forget the fun your having) and just watch.  you had to.  one end stretching out and the rest retract back pulling itself back together.  (don't tell me you didn't picture it happening in your mind as you read that)  it amazed you.  you wondered how it happened, yet always forgot to ask your teacher.

the rain, like the earth worm, is an amazing creation by God.  one of the few things in life we really can't explain because they are so simple and so plain, yet so breath taking.  if you allow them, if you open yourself up to the thought of a child, even for a moment, they both allow you to forget life even for just a second and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.  i bet right now you are thinking, "i never thought of it that way."  many people don't.  i talk about how busy we are in life these days that we forget about the simple things, the little things that are so astounding they can remind us how great life really is.

next time you are home, and the rain begins to fall, i urge you to grab your loved ones and pull out a blanket and shut off the lights.  grab some hot cocoa or your favorite childhood beverage and sit on the porch sit near an open window.  those ill and in a hospital bed, call the nurse and ask her to close the door, shut the lights off and open a window.  get out of the bed or have them push you as close as those hoses and wires will let you.  if you're there alone ask your favorite nurse to hop into bed with you or sit next to you.   everyone get under the blanket and allow yourself to get close to one another again.  quietly sit there for a moment, take in some deep breaths.  allow the fresh air to over come you.  enjoy it and embrace it.  and just sit there.  let the moment take you in, allow yourself to escape from life.  allow yourselves to go on a journey together.  create a memory that will last a life time because when your daughter gets older, when your son has a child of his own, or those with illnesses that will be stuck in a hospital bed in the future, this is the moment you will talk about.  this is the moment that will bring a smile on your face the next time you hear the rain fall outside the window, this will be the moment that will bring tears to your eyes because this will be the moment that will mean the most to you.  it will be that moment where the two, three, four, or who knows how many of you sat and allowed yourself to bond.  you allowed yourself to forget about life for awhile and bond, to become one.  it's that moment that will last a life time and beyond