Faith

There have been many times lately I have asked myself, "why do you even get out of bed in the morning?"  To say the last few months have been a rollercoaster is beyond an understatement at this point.  My trust in others has been shaken, my relationship has been more than tested, those who I thought were close to me have turned a blind eye on caring what is going on, and many who I never thought would step up to bat have taken the mound and hit a home run (yes I do know some sports lingo).  Sadly enough, at this point, what I felt I had strong and deep within me has slowly been chipped away to nearly nothing.

Everyone at some point must come to terms with their morality.  How you do it and how you get there is your own path and your own story.  We all must come to terms our own way.  Some sooner than others.  My time has long since happened, and for many years I held my faith strong and true.  Despite what people may see, it was something I held on to just never talked about, that is my relationship to have and not something that must be shared, though others feel differently.  I have always believed I am here to do something, I just don't know what.  After a serious car accident I was in I ask myself many times why I am here.  Recently that faith has been taken away, one spiritual brick at a time, to the point I am not sure what is left.  

About a month and a half or so ago, I posted a blog titles something like "Is there a God ". At that point Brandon and I had just moved into our apartment in Lincoln and as we literally carried out last arm full of stuff up to the third floor, I got the call that my probation transfer to Nebraska was not excepted and that I ha a week to get home.. The Hell we had been through to that point was already unreal and to add this to it was a slap in the face.  Hadn't we already been through enough to this point?  We were forced to not only decide what to do with Brandon, but also where to go with our relationship.  As always Brandon stood tall and strong and refused to let me walk away, which I thought was best for him.  

As time goes forward it has been one road block away from happiness after another.  Yesterday we get one more as we find out there are many things that could be standing in our way from moving out to a farm we want to go to.  I know many are thinking to just go to another place, well as always life isn't that simple.  The farm is great, quiet and piece full, but it wasn't meant just for us.  We have friends and family in need of help, so the good people we are, we want to open the doors to help where we can.  Something any good faith believing person should do.  We put others before us.

Any other couple would have just pushed it aside and moved on, not us.  These people were there when we needed them so we want to be there for them.  All we asked was just a short amount of time to get ourselves together, which all were ok with.  Of course, as is with our relationship, a block is put before us.  There has been one issue over another with us going there.  One rule after another.  I ask myself, "how much can one relationship take before the stress and road locks become to much?"

Today I sit here as the sun rises, the birds chirp, and people go boundlessly in their day.  Today I wake up wondering what problems come before us to put another stop in moving forward together.  Today I wonder, is this the day it all crashes down?  To say I have faith in anything anymore is a joke.  My faith has been broken I Ed the last few months.  We have hardly had time to each other, yet we still put. Others first, something I always thought was the right thing to do.  Each time we try something comes a long to put a stop to it.  Are we not supposed to help?  Are we supposed to be selfish and make them fix it themselves?  That's not who I am not is it who he is.  

Today we stand strong with each other as always, refusing to allow life to tear us apart.  Today he stands tall with faith someone or something will see us through.  Today I stand next to Brandon a broken faithless man.  A man whose foundation that was built over many years of confusion and wonder, yet with a promise it will all work out, broken and crumbled.  Today I feel half a man.  As I watch the world turn around me, I wonder, how does someone's faith in life and what's right and wrong be returned when it has all been taken away?